Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Minor fix

Creating fake summary paper introductions for a class, and came across a "need to fix" sentence, or rather I wrote it.

The "On the Road" gallery displays in a glass case part of the 120-foot long paper scroll Kerouac used to type his story, and includes the old Olivetti typewriter he used to type it.

Okay, too much used to type! Quick fix to eliminate some of the redundancy:

The "On the Road" gallery displays in a glass case part of the 120-foot long paper scroll Kerouac used to type his story, and includes his old Olivetti typewriter.

Now generally I like to put the longest element in a list last, so I might revise to:

The "On the Road" gallery displays in a glass case Kerouac's old Olivetti typewriter and part of the 120-foot long paper scroll he used for the story.

Just another in a long series of fascinating glimpses into my motley career.

Oh, notice that whatever comes first, that's when I have "Kerouac's," and I have "his" second. That is, I identify the name and then replace it with the pronoun. I really wanted to end "scroll he typed the story on..." but you know that blamed preposition. I must fiddle some more.

Will even one student appreciate my obsessiveness? Probably not. I also don't like "displays in a glass case," but I need to get the glass case in there because, see, in this imaginary paper I'm not going to write (I'm just teaching introductions here), there's a whole section on the glass case. I must stay true to the imaginary paper!

I don't, however, have to put all this into one sentence. Must remember that. Pixels on the screen: Not so expensive as diamonds. Can waste them.
Alicia

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Okay, so I know I should know this, but really, why can't you end with a preposition? Sometimes fixing it makes a sentence sound so pretentious. And there's that whole legend that Winston Churchill said something along the lines of "This is the sort of English up with which I will not put." I agree with him.

Edittorrent said...

Anon, yes and no. Ending with a preposition is still frowned upon in academic writing. There's a bit more flexibility in fiction writing.

But remember, sometimes a preposition acts as an adverb. It's okay to end with an adverb.

Theresa

Adrian said...

Overall, it's a big improvement. Moving the longer phrase to the end of the list really helps anchor it.

But there are aspects of the original version I miss. In particular, it's no longer absolutely clear that the Olivetti typewriter is the one he used for On the Road.

I'm tempted to move "in a glass case" to the beginning of the sentence to get it out of the way. It seems almost parenthetical, and I stumble over it every time I try to read the sentence aloud.

"Old" seems superfluous. Is it an antique? Was it old when he used it? "Long" also seems to get in the way. Would anybody think it would be a 120-foot wide paper scroll?

In a glass case, the "On the Road" gallery displays Kerouac's Olivetti typewriter and part of the 120-foot paper scroll he used for the manuscript.

Is it any wonder that it takes me forever to finish a manuscript and that my word count is always low?

Edittorrent said...

Yeah, "In a glass case" in the start of the sentence might be good. I like starting a sentence with that sort of detail.

It is important it's an "old" typewriter. Well, all typewriters are old now, I guess. :) I had a manual Olivetti once. I remember in college a friend of mine bought one (already obsolete) because what if the power went off when he was typing a paper?

Me, I'd quit trying to type a paper. "The power went out!" is a good excuse for a late paper.

Anon, here's a post where I think we talked about ending on a preposition:
http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/2009/10/that-is-impertinence-up-with-which-i.html

Here's my thought:
1) Prepositions are usually weak words to end on. Look! I ended on a preposition! And truly, I wasn't trying.

2) When I'm writing for students, I always try to follow every blessed rule to the max, because I really don't want any of them in the future saying to another professor, "Well, Mrs. Rasley ended a sentence on a preposition, so it can't be all that bad!" They tend to idealize me. Okay. They don't. They just tend to look for excuses to do what they want to do wrong, and I don't want to be their excuse.

Anyway, usually it's easy to recast a sentence to end otherwise, but sometimes even that much effort gives me a headache. Today is one of those days. :)

Alicia

Edittorrent said...

Don't be fooled by her modesty. They idealize her.

T

Edittorrent said...

Theresa, "idealize" isn't really as good as "idolize". Can we go with them idolizing me?
Alicia the Idol

green_knight said...

The "On the Road" gallery displays - in a glass case - Kerouac's Olivetti typewriter and part of the 120-foot long paper scroll he used to type his story on.

If I was the writer, I might consider a dozen possible changes - what's important about this - the glass case, the typewriter, the sheer endless scroll? With my copy editor's hat on, I'd try to preseve the memorable phrases of the text. (I could have done a slightly less invasive version, but I liked it less:

The "On the Road" gallery displays - in a glass case - part of the 120-foot long paper scroll Kerouac typed his story on, as well as the Olivetti typewriter he used.

The two sentence version would have something along the lines of 'It also contains his Olivetti typewriter.'

Edittorrent said...

Well, GK, that's the problem with creating examples for teaching-- I'm trying to demonstrate specific things and can't always have freedom to state it the way I please!
A

green_knight said...

Alicia, I quite enjoy the challenges of working within fairly narrow confines. (I'm now seeing the whole set of comments, which makes it even more challenging.)

To deal with the glass case, consider changing the subject: instead of 'the gallery displays' what about 'A glass case contains'? And if you're unfond of the _scroll he typed the story on_, ('used for the story' is ambiguous, it sounds more as if it plays a role in the story than than the physical manuscript), so maybe 'scroll that formed his original manuscript' or something along those lines?