Been listening to a lot of pitches lately! And I have a couple suggestions if you're heading for a conference or a meeting with an editor/agent soon.
First, read Theresa's seminal series on Tweeting your pitch. This works for log-lines in query letters or synopses too!
Then my thoughts:
1) Don't be nervous. Or don't be nervous about being nervous. Almost everyone is nervous in this kind of situation. The editor or agent won't hold that against you! And if you need to read the pitch, go ahead and read. A couple pitchers made a nice little apology, no big deal, that worked as a good lead-in for the pitch. "I'm sorry. I have to read this."
2) Pitching in person might require a bit different a log-line than a written query does. You have to speak it aloud. Say it several times to several people to trim it and make sure it's not an unspeakable mouthful. The editor/agent should not be the first person to hear you say this out loud! A friend can listen and tell you what word could be trimmed and what can be emphasized.
3) What do you do after the pitch log-line? That might take just a moment. What if you have 7 more minutes to fill? Prepare for that. Think about what the editor or agent needs to know. For example, how long is the book? Is it complete (tell if it is complete-- wait to be asked if not :)? Do you have other publications, and who is your agent if you have one?
4) Do not, please, fill the time with a retelling of your plot. The editor or agent is unlikely to be able to follow this, and to tell you the truth, Gone with the Wind would sound dull recited in summary like that. Find a way to talk about your story that is not a recitation of events.
5) How, you ask? Well, first, keep in mind that this is a STORY, not just a plot. What are the major elements of story? Plot, yes, but character too. Setting. Conflict. Action. Emotion. Think about concentrating (at least to start) on any one of these. That is, instead of presenting your story as a series of events, consider starting with one of the other elements (whichever is more intriguing or prominent). You might, for example, talk about "Hagerton, the quaint little southern town with the dangerous big secrets," and sketch out the setting contrasts (the placid county square where the lynching had taken place, the graceful steeple of the church where the young men had sought sanctuary only to be betrayed by the saintly minister) or the characters and their contradictions (the charming old man who had led the dawn raid, the bored teenagers at the high school today who discover a hideous photograph in the school archives....). That is, tell the story through another approach than "this happened, then this happened." This is something you'd probably have to figure out ahead of time.
6)Think of talking not about what happens, but what changes. You can bring in what happened, but the focus would be on "what changed." Danny and his girlfriend Kelsey love their little town, and why not? They are both the youngest of prominent founding families of Hagerton, and they're proud of their heritage. Not that they'd boast about it. They don't need to. Everyone in school already looks up to them. They're the golden couple, homecoming court, prom king and queen. And their future looks just as bright. Kelsey's up for a big scholarship at the state university, and to flesh out her application with community service, she decides to write a history of the town. Danny agrees to help her go through the old photos in the school archives. And what they find shakes their complacent sense of their place in the town and their trust in their neighbors. You can tell what happens as a way to explain what changes. But start with how things are going to change-- an overview, not a summary.
7) Keep focused on, "What is my story about?" Whenever you find yourself veering into plot summary, slow down. Talk about some other aspect of the story. "The theme is--" "The main character--" "The conflict is--" Really, any of those will be more interesting than "And then this happened." But this is something you might plan out beforehand. Most pitchers practice their logline, but the pitch is more than that. Before you go into the session, sit down with a friend and try to get through at least five minutes of talking coherently and intriguingly about your story. You don't have to memorize that, but do have several "overview" approaches worked out in your mind. Figure out what your theme is, what your conflict is, what the character journey is, how the world of the book changes. Then you'll have those aspects available to talk about.
8) If you finish early, don't feel you have to talk more. Ask the editor/agent questions about the market, about the publisher or agency, about what she/he really likes in a book, about what sort of proposal is desired and whether to send a submission electronically or snail mail. If you don't have any more to say, just quiet down. Let the editor/agent take the lead there at the end (because you do want to hear, "Send this to me"). If the editor doesn't say that, and you're feeling bold, you could ask, "Does this sound like something you'd want to see?"
9) If the editor/agent doesn't ask to see the story, stay cool. Just smile and shake hands and leave. (Or if you have another book, and there's still time, pitch that.) It's painful to be rejected right there, and it's going to feel like it's YOU being rejected, not the book. But if you present your story well, the editor/agent can decide then if it's right for the publisher or agency. There are all sorts of reasons why it might not be right, and there's really no arguing with that. If this is an angel book and they are no longer looking for those, the best pitch in the world probably won't make a difference. You want to present your book in the clearest and most intriguing way, but it is what it is. You just don't want the pitch to be rejected because the editor thinks it sounds convoluted or boring (when it isn't!). Do your best to represent what the book is about and why it's good, and if that's not what the editor/agent is looking for, say thanks and don't take it personally.
10) There's nothing wrong with asking something like, "If I write something that's more up your alley, can I send it to you?" But put it better. "Now I've really got a good sense of what you are interested in. I'm going to start a new book, now that this one is done, and I'll be incorporating some of those elements. Can I send it to you when I'm done?" The editor/agent will probably say yes, and then you kind of have an open invitation to submit in the future and put "requested manuscript" on the envelope or subject heading.
11) And the editor/agent does understand that you are an author, not a TV informercial host. You won't be graded on whether your voice quavers or your hands shake. Sure, those who are experienced at pitching business tend to do better in these appointments, but it's not so much their confident manner as their understanding of how to present the "product". They know what to focus on and what to leave out. You can't instantly acquire the sort of confidence that lets you fearlessly recite a memorized speech and make it sound spontaneous. But you can have prepared a comprehensive sense of your story and several ways to explain it. You can be ready with a few intelligent questions that can show you know what's important and make the editor say, "Go ahead and send me this book (or your next book)." So if you've represented your story well, no beating up on yourself! Don't think you were rejected because your voice wasn't strong enough or your gaze wavered. The editor is going to try to figure out from whatever you say if this is a book that might work for the publisher. And your job is not wowing her/him with your zowie personality and great public-speaking skills, but rather explaining your book well and cogently.
The point of this pitch isn't to sell the book. (That probably won't happen right there.) It's to vault over the query stage and get the editor to look at your actual story. That's quite valuable. But it's not your only option, so don't ever assume a "Sorry, I don't want it" is a rejection of you as an author. You can always send an email afterwards thanking the editor/agent for listening to your pitch or meeting with you. And then, when you have another project, you might already have a bit of a relationship with the editor/agent to build on.
And it really is true: "Not right for us" doesn't mean any more than that. It doesn't mean, "Burn that manuscript!" or "Give up your dreams of being an author!" Send the book elsewhere. Pitch it to someone else. The pitch-taker hasn't read a word of your story, so he/she isn't rejecting it, and can't (and won't) comment on your skill as a writer. Do listen, but understand that, "This sounds really convoluted," might mean that your story is convoluted, or alternatively, that you have presented it in a way that's hard to understand (as is very likely if you try to recite the plot). If the pitch isn't successful, take a few moments afterwards to review what happened. Do you think that you didn't present the story well? That the story wasn't right for this place? A couple things you can't assume from a rejection: 1) the editor/agent hates you, and 2) there's necessarily something wrong with your book. Either might be true (well, the first is unlikely), but a pitch-rejection doesn't mean either of those. Don't change yourself or your book solely on the rejection of a pitch. :)
So do prepare, but prepare your explanation of the story. You can't transform your personality in an hour ahead of time (and you shouldn't want to), but you can make sure that you have the understanding of your book-- of what it's about, of what changes-- that will help you present it in the clearest and most intriguing way.
Alicia
Showing posts with label pitching. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pitching. Show all posts
Monday, August 9, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Business Cards and Other Trappings
JT sent us an email with a whole slew of business-related questions. We're going to take her questions in stages, starting with one about business cards. (Don't forget -- you can email us at edittorrent@ gmail dot com with questions, or just post them in the comments.)
So, let's start with the basic proposition that writers don't use business cards the same way that, for example, an attorney or salesman would use them. In those professions, business cards are used to try to connect with new clients. Basic contact information is included, maybe a logo, and that's it. The professional hands out hundreds of cards over the course of a year. Every new encounter is a chance for a new business connection.
Authors can use business cards in the same way to promote new releases or backlist. Wherever you go, you meet potential new fans, and passing out a little reminder in the form of a business card is probably a cheap and easy way to promote your books. Bookmarks might be a bit more friendly, but it won't hurt to have business cards with your pen name and releases listed, your website url, your twitter or facebook profiles, and that sort of thing. You can select graphics that build your brand, and you can use the front and back side of the card to include more graphics or blurbs.
But you wouldn't want to hand out your phone number to strangers in the checkout line, would you? So in that case, you might leave off some of your contact information, just for privacy's sake.
And in that case, the card won't do you much good at an industry conference. When you're at a conference and you hand your card to an agent or editor, we want it to have contact information. In fact, it's the main thing we want, plus something that will help us remember you when we're thinking back over the hundreds of people we met. I frequently jot notes on the backs of business cards indicating where I met the author, who introduced us, hair color, details of the conversation, anything that might trigger my memory when I pick up the card later.
Notice that I do actually make use of these cards. I know some folks will toss them after the conference, but I tend to keep them. Not always, though. The ones I toss are the ones from casual encounters (not pitches or other formal meetings) where there was no place for me to write my notes. The card may be beautiful, with glossy roses and swirly text and stars and rainbows and all good things. But if it doesn't help me remember my particular encounter with the author, it's not serving my purpose.
A very smart author once came into a pitch and handed me a very ordinary business card together with a fancy bookmark with all her book covers on it. That impressed me right out of the starting gate. It told me she understood the difference between promoting herself to readers and interacting with other professionals. I was able to use the card to make my notes, and you better believe that one of my notes was about her pretty bookmark.
Another author handed me a somewhat fancier card with her log line pitch pre-printed on the back. This was during a pitch, and that approach made a lot of sense. But outside of a pitching environment, it might not be as effective. And the logistics are a bit confounding. How many pitch cards do you have printed? Do you still get regular cards, too, or just go with bookmarks? I don't know the answers to those questions, but perhaps Team Comments will have better insights.
Another author once handed me a postcard with her book cover and jacket copy on it, and as we were talking, she peeled a sticker off a label sheet and affixed it to the card. The label had her contact information. I thought that was clever, and I'm surprised more people don't do something like that. It let her get around the problem of whether to get different kinds of business cards printed, or whether to spend her money on promotional items or cards or both.
That said, I appreciate business cards more than bookmarks or postcards, mainly because they're easier for me to index and store. I have a plastic case for them. They're alphabetized for search purposes, though I run into problems sometimes with the whole pen name/real name thing. I'm bad with names to begin with, and it's a new fresh hell to have to remember two names for everyone. Please consider putting all your various names on your cards. This won't help me with my indexing system, but it will help me connect your names and brands to the person I met in the bar.
Another helpful thing -- put something like Author or Freelance Writer or something on your card. I keep my author cards in a separate place from all the cards for typesetters, e-book designers, web designers, freelance editors, cover artists, SEO specialists, publicists, booksellers, distributor reps, printers, and all the other non-author business types I encounter. I don't care what job title you assign yourself, though my weird personal quirk is that I tend to read "Author" as someone already published and "Writer" as someone at the beginning of their career. I don't know if this is universal, but I doubt it. And I have no idea where I absorbed that particular distinction.
So that's my take on author business cards. If you have particular questions or tips, please do post them in the comments.
Theresa
So, let's start with the basic proposition that writers don't use business cards the same way that, for example, an attorney or salesman would use them. In those professions, business cards are used to try to connect with new clients. Basic contact information is included, maybe a logo, and that's it. The professional hands out hundreds of cards over the course of a year. Every new encounter is a chance for a new business connection.
Authors can use business cards in the same way to promote new releases or backlist. Wherever you go, you meet potential new fans, and passing out a little reminder in the form of a business card is probably a cheap and easy way to promote your books. Bookmarks might be a bit more friendly, but it won't hurt to have business cards with your pen name and releases listed, your website url, your twitter or facebook profiles, and that sort of thing. You can select graphics that build your brand, and you can use the front and back side of the card to include more graphics or blurbs.
But you wouldn't want to hand out your phone number to strangers in the checkout line, would you? So in that case, you might leave off some of your contact information, just for privacy's sake.
And in that case, the card won't do you much good at an industry conference. When you're at a conference and you hand your card to an agent or editor, we want it to have contact information. In fact, it's the main thing we want, plus something that will help us remember you when we're thinking back over the hundreds of people we met. I frequently jot notes on the backs of business cards indicating where I met the author, who introduced us, hair color, details of the conversation, anything that might trigger my memory when I pick up the card later.
Notice that I do actually make use of these cards. I know some folks will toss them after the conference, but I tend to keep them. Not always, though. The ones I toss are the ones from casual encounters (not pitches or other formal meetings) where there was no place for me to write my notes. The card may be beautiful, with glossy roses and swirly text and stars and rainbows and all good things. But if it doesn't help me remember my particular encounter with the author, it's not serving my purpose.
A very smart author once came into a pitch and handed me a very ordinary business card together with a fancy bookmark with all her book covers on it. That impressed me right out of the starting gate. It told me she understood the difference between promoting herself to readers and interacting with other professionals. I was able to use the card to make my notes, and you better believe that one of my notes was about her pretty bookmark.
Another author handed me a somewhat fancier card with her log line pitch pre-printed on the back. This was during a pitch, and that approach made a lot of sense. But outside of a pitching environment, it might not be as effective. And the logistics are a bit confounding. How many pitch cards do you have printed? Do you still get regular cards, too, or just go with bookmarks? I don't know the answers to those questions, but perhaps Team Comments will have better insights.
Another author once handed me a postcard with her book cover and jacket copy on it, and as we were talking, she peeled a sticker off a label sheet and affixed it to the card. The label had her contact information. I thought that was clever, and I'm surprised more people don't do something like that. It let her get around the problem of whether to get different kinds of business cards printed, or whether to spend her money on promotional items or cards or both.
That said, I appreciate business cards more than bookmarks or postcards, mainly because they're easier for me to index and store. I have a plastic case for them. They're alphabetized for search purposes, though I run into problems sometimes with the whole pen name/real name thing. I'm bad with names to begin with, and it's a new fresh hell to have to remember two names for everyone. Please consider putting all your various names on your cards. This won't help me with my indexing system, but it will help me connect your names and brands to the person I met in the bar.
Another helpful thing -- put something like Author or Freelance Writer or something on your card. I keep my author cards in a separate place from all the cards for typesetters, e-book designers, web designers, freelance editors, cover artists, SEO specialists, publicists, booksellers, distributor reps, printers, and all the other non-author business types I encounter. I don't care what job title you assign yourself, though my weird personal quirk is that I tend to read "Author" as someone already published and "Writer" as someone at the beginning of their career. I don't know if this is universal, but I doubt it. And I have no idea where I absorbed that particular distinction.
So that's my take on author business cards. If you have particular questions or tips, please do post them in the comments.
Theresa
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Ted's logline
From Ted:
After reading your blog post on creating loglines, I had a ton of fun introducing the idea to my monthly writing group. Within a few minutes, the group helped me come up with this logline for my most recent manuscript:
A brilliant neoclassical composer is lured into a shadowy underworld of corrupt implant software and drug-induced raves, revealing ominous secrets about his employer that threaten to ruin his career and force him to take drastic steps to protect the woman he loves.
I'd enjoy getting a few words of critique from you. Thanks!
Ted
--
You're right-- crafting log lines is a great group activity! Now I'll bet they'll all want your help on their log lines.
This is a one-sentence log line, very packed. I probably wouldn't be upset if you went with two sentences. Or you could trim out the words that aren't needed and see if it's shorter then. I really enjoy stories where some innocent is pulled into a honeytrap or whatever, and ends up triumphing over the bad guys.
Let's take it in pieces:
A brilliant neoclassical composer
I'd probably cut "brilliant"-- I at least assume if you're a neoclassical composer, you're probably brilliant. :) But also, it's not interesting, and feels like padding/bragging. As he's going to get lured into something nefarious, I'd think of setting up a conflict with an adjective, like "naive" or "introspective," something that actually says something about who he is that he might get lured into something.
is lured into a shadowy underworld of corrupt implant software and drug-induced raves,
I like the word "lured"-- that really is precisely the "luring" word, drawing the reader in and hinting at the process that will be developed more fully in the story. Also I think it indicates a more cerebral villain, which is a plus.
into a shadowy underworld of corrupt implant software and drug-induced raves,
Okay, here you lose me. I don't know what you mean. I'm with Jewel Tones (commenter) on this-- "implant" means breasts to most of us. What is a term that non-technical types (that includes most editors) can understand? Computer viruses? And "drug-induced raves" -- you mean raves like a music rave? Or a crazy person ranting on the street corner? And what does his being a composer have to do with it? I wonder if it might be better if you could actually write out what happens to him and then start to boil it down. It's the right idea, but how software, raves, and neoclassical music link up isn't clear and can't be explained in a log line. What's his conflict? He's lured into something bad by bad guys. It might actually be more important what about him-- his naivete, his vanity, whatever-- makes him vulnerable to this, or maybe why they bother. I mean, I value neoclassical as much as the next guy, but it's hard to believe a composer is worth much to a villain. What is it that makes him valuable to the bad guy? That's important,and we don't get anything about that.
(I know it sounds like I'm telling you to add to an already long sentence, and I am, but when you have a complex plot, I think you should explain it all and then boil it down. Remember what Hitchcock called "the McGuffin," the object of desire-- he didn't think he had to explain what it was. There was a priceless moment in his Notorious when finally Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman locate what they've been looking for, and she asks what is it, and he replies, "Some kind of ore." That is, the details don't matter much when the action is hot and the emotion is intense.)
Also, I'd probably just go with "underworld". I like "shadowy," but I think you really have to trim this if you want to have it all in one sentence.
revealing ominous secrets about his employer
Do composers have employers? I know, you probably mean his day job. I actually knew a neoclassical composer once, and he made his living as a computer programmer. He did say that a lot of composers did find work writing music for cartoons. (Now I guess it's videogames.) Anyway, I assume you mean his day job employer, but the only profession we've heard of is the composing. Do you need to make that clearer? Is it important who the employer is? I mean, say it's the CIA. That's important. But you might want to hint at what the secrets are. I think you're using modifiers instead of information-- ominous secrets-- and it might be that the information, or at least a hint of it, is what we need here. Not much-- "national security secrets" or "sexual secrets" or "criminal secrets" or "corrupt secrets" or "industrial espionage secrets"-- just something that hints at what the nature of the secrets is.
I'm all for creating an atmosphere with words. But you don't have much room here, and you don't want to be redundant. If the noun says it, you don't need to replicate it with a modifier (brilliant composer, ominous secrets). I wouldn't have any problem with that except I think you're skimping on the important stuff, like what is happening.
that threaten to ruin his career and force him to take drastic steps to protect the woman he loves.
Here are the stakes, which is good, but they're not actually equal-- his career (which one? composing or other?) and the woman he loves. The first kind of feels trivial after such a big buildup-- you mean, it's just his career at stake? I'd probably delete that and go with the woman he loves-- that's more high-stakes.
Watch for cliches that don't say much, like "take drastic steps". What does he have to do? I don't mean actual actions, but can you characterize what he has to do, like "betray his country" or "turn the tables" or "betray his values" or "risk all"?
So... the story sounds really intriguing (of course, I do love this sort of story), but I'd suggest trimming the extras from this and then getting more informative. I truly don't know what the danger is or why he's in danger, or what about him gets him into this situation.
And remember-- two sentences, okay. :)
Alicia
After reading your blog post on creating loglines, I had a ton of fun introducing the idea to my monthly writing group. Within a few minutes, the group helped me come up with this logline for my most recent manuscript:
A brilliant neoclassical composer is lured into a shadowy underworld of corrupt implant software and drug-induced raves, revealing ominous secrets about his employer that threaten to ruin his career and force him to take drastic steps to protect the woman he loves.
I'd enjoy getting a few words of critique from you. Thanks!
Ted
--
You're right-- crafting log lines is a great group activity! Now I'll bet they'll all want your help on their log lines.
This is a one-sentence log line, very packed. I probably wouldn't be upset if you went with two sentences. Or you could trim out the words that aren't needed and see if it's shorter then. I really enjoy stories where some innocent is pulled into a honeytrap or whatever, and ends up triumphing over the bad guys.
Let's take it in pieces:
A brilliant neoclassical composer
I'd probably cut "brilliant"-- I at least assume if you're a neoclassical composer, you're probably brilliant. :) But also, it's not interesting, and feels like padding/bragging. As he's going to get lured into something nefarious, I'd think of setting up a conflict with an adjective, like "naive" or "introspective," something that actually says something about who he is that he might get lured into something.
is lured into a shadowy underworld of corrupt implant software and drug-induced raves,
I like the word "lured"-- that really is precisely the "luring" word, drawing the reader in and hinting at the process that will be developed more fully in the story. Also I think it indicates a more cerebral villain, which is a plus.
into a shadowy underworld of corrupt implant software and drug-induced raves,
Okay, here you lose me. I don't know what you mean. I'm with Jewel Tones (commenter) on this-- "implant" means breasts to most of us. What is a term that non-technical types (that includes most editors) can understand? Computer viruses? And "drug-induced raves" -- you mean raves like a music rave? Or a crazy person ranting on the street corner? And what does his being a composer have to do with it? I wonder if it might be better if you could actually write out what happens to him and then start to boil it down. It's the right idea, but how software, raves, and neoclassical music link up isn't clear and can't be explained in a log line. What's his conflict? He's lured into something bad by bad guys. It might actually be more important what about him-- his naivete, his vanity, whatever-- makes him vulnerable to this, or maybe why they bother. I mean, I value neoclassical as much as the next guy, but it's hard to believe a composer is worth much to a villain. What is it that makes him valuable to the bad guy? That's important,and we don't get anything about that.
(I know it sounds like I'm telling you to add to an already long sentence, and I am, but when you have a complex plot, I think you should explain it all and then boil it down. Remember what Hitchcock called "the McGuffin," the object of desire-- he didn't think he had to explain what it was. There was a priceless moment in his Notorious when finally Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman locate what they've been looking for, and she asks what is it, and he replies, "Some kind of ore." That is, the details don't matter much when the action is hot and the emotion is intense.)
Also, I'd probably just go with "underworld". I like "shadowy," but I think you really have to trim this if you want to have it all in one sentence.
revealing ominous secrets about his employer
Do composers have employers? I know, you probably mean his day job. I actually knew a neoclassical composer once, and he made his living as a computer programmer. He did say that a lot of composers did find work writing music for cartoons. (Now I guess it's videogames.) Anyway, I assume you mean his day job employer, but the only profession we've heard of is the composing. Do you need to make that clearer? Is it important who the employer is? I mean, say it's the CIA. That's important. But you might want to hint at what the secrets are. I think you're using modifiers instead of information-- ominous secrets-- and it might be that the information, or at least a hint of it, is what we need here. Not much-- "national security secrets" or "sexual secrets" or "criminal secrets" or "corrupt secrets" or "industrial espionage secrets"-- just something that hints at what the nature of the secrets is.
I'm all for creating an atmosphere with words. But you don't have much room here, and you don't want to be redundant. If the noun says it, you don't need to replicate it with a modifier (brilliant composer, ominous secrets). I wouldn't have any problem with that except I think you're skimping on the important stuff, like what is happening.
that threaten to ruin his career and force him to take drastic steps to protect the woman he loves.
Here are the stakes, which is good, but they're not actually equal-- his career (which one? composing or other?) and the woman he loves. The first kind of feels trivial after such a big buildup-- you mean, it's just his career at stake? I'd probably delete that and go with the woman he loves-- that's more high-stakes.
Watch for cliches that don't say much, like "take drastic steps". What does he have to do? I don't mean actual actions, but can you characterize what he has to do, like "betray his country" or "turn the tables" or "betray his values" or "risk all"?
So... the story sounds really intriguing (of course, I do love this sort of story), but I'd suggest trimming the extras from this and then getting more informative. I truly don't know what the danger is or why he's in danger, or what about him gets him into this situation.
And remember-- two sentences, okay. :)
Alicia
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Kelley's log line
Kelley's---
I found your site through The Query Shark, and would love to get involved in the ER community. It looks like fun.
Aldon “Crash” Dally is a carefree hobo and leader of Chicago’s Shantytown. When teenage runaway Mary Burns stumbles into his realm, suddenly the police are everywhere. IMary has a secret that could destroy a powerful politican, and the two must run hard and fast to save her life, and put an end to the violent tent city shakedowns.
I like the first sentence. It describes him well, though "leader" is a bit weak for an outlaw type. See if you can find a stronger leadership word, because his outsiderness is your hook there.
I'd also suggest giving a sense of the time period. You can put that after "Chicago's", like Chicago's Depression-era shantytown.
That's the sort of insertion that doesn't get a lot of conscious notice, but is absorbed by the reader.
The second line:
When teenage runaway Mary Burns stumbles into his realm, suddenly the police are everywhere.
This is suddenly not about Crash, and you're losing some vitality. You could start with something like "His power is threatened when..." or "His realm is threatened when..." That is, don't lose your focus here.
With the last line, I think you're compressing too much and yet adding too much detail. We don't need to know why her secret is dangerous. What we need to know is why Crash is willing to risk all to save her. That is, when you say that a politician is threatened, that's about the pol's motivation. What's Crash's? That is, in this tight paragraph, you'll create more drama if you keep it unified on Crash.
Great idea! I love the Shantytown angle.
Alicia
I found your site through The Query Shark, and would love to get involved in the ER community. It looks like fun.
Aldon “Crash” Dally is a carefree hobo and leader of Chicago’s Shantytown. When teenage runaway Mary Burns stumbles into his realm, suddenly the police are everywhere. IMary has a secret that could destroy a powerful politican, and the two must run hard and fast to save her life, and put an end to the violent tent city shakedowns.
I like the first sentence. It describes him well, though "leader" is a bit weak for an outlaw type. See if you can find a stronger leadership word, because his outsiderness is your hook there.
I'd also suggest giving a sense of the time period. You can put that after "Chicago's", like Chicago's Depression-era shantytown.
That's the sort of insertion that doesn't get a lot of conscious notice, but is absorbed by the reader.
The second line:
When teenage runaway Mary Burns stumbles into his realm, suddenly the police are everywhere.
This is suddenly not about Crash, and you're losing some vitality. You could start with something like "His power is threatened when..." or "His realm is threatened when..." That is, don't lose your focus here.
With the last line, I think you're compressing too much and yet adding too much detail. We don't need to know why her secret is dangerous. What we need to know is why Crash is willing to risk all to save her. That is, when you say that a politician is threatened, that's about the pol's motivation. What's Crash's? That is, in this tight paragraph, you'll create more drama if you keep it unified on Crash.
Great idea! I love the Shantytown angle.
Alicia
Amber's log line
Another one!
Hi. Here are my two loglines for my dark fantasy: 1. An innocent boy and his emotionless protector struggle for survival when a powerful demon becomes interested in the boy's destiny.
2. An innocent boy is caught in a violent tug-a-war between humans and demons when both sides believes he is their prophesized messiah.
Thank you. - Amber (you may use my name)
I like the second one more because I like the "tug-of-war"-- that so precisely describes what's happening. Notice though that you have "both"(plural) with "believes" (singular). "Each" might actually be better.
Is "prophesized" the word? Prophesied?
You're really using conflict words here-- tug of war, violent, between. That's good-- it's kind of bristly.
Alicia
Hi. Here are my two loglines for my dark fantasy: 1. An innocent boy and his emotionless protector struggle for survival when a powerful demon becomes interested in the boy's destiny.
2. An innocent boy is caught in a violent tug-a-war between humans and demons when both sides believes he is their prophesized messiah.
Thank you. - Amber (you may use my name)
I like the second one more because I like the "tug-of-war"-- that so precisely describes what's happening. Notice though that you have "both"(plural) with "believes" (singular). "Each" might actually be better.
Is "prophesized" the word? Prophesied?
You're really using conflict words here-- tug of war, violent, between. That's good-- it's kind of bristly.
Alicia
Monday, May 25, 2009
Rasheeda's log line
Rasheeda's line:
When psychic with a conscience Jasmine Winters warns her worst enemy of an impending serial killer attack, she learns that killer may be closer than she thinks and now he's after her.
OR Psychic Jasmine Winters is about to find out which is harder: saving her worst enemy from a serial killer; learning someone she loves might be that serial killer; or finding out she's a target of that killer.
I like the second one because I like that list (though you need commas, not semicolons, in the list). And I'd maybe go with a dash for a pause before the last one, just so there's that breath of finality.
Psychic Jasmine Winters is about to find out which is harder: saving her worst enemy from a serial killer, learning someone she loves might be that serial killer-- or finding out she's a target of that killer.
Just a couple thoughts: I like "psychic with a conscience" and if you go with the second line, I'd use that before her name. And consider putting in some action-- you have "is about to find out," but that's pretty passive. Is about to discover might be stronger. Must discover? You have "Find out" twice in the sentence, and you don't want that.
And think about definite articles -- "a target" is indefinite, sort of formless. THE target sounds more focused, more critical. (And yeah, maybe he's got more than one target. Who cares? She's still THE target. Don't water down the danger.:)
Anyway, I do like that list! Think about strengthening the first part of that line. Does she find out through her psychic ability? Or some other way? You could add on something to the beginning, like "The crystal ball is telling Jasmine ..."
Again, experiment, and aim for precision and focus. But I do like the list! I think it's clever and sets up her conflicts in an intriguing way.
Alicia
When psychic with a conscience Jasmine Winters warns her worst enemy of an impending serial killer attack, she learns that killer may be closer than she thinks and now he's after her.
OR Psychic Jasmine Winters is about to find out which is harder: saving her worst enemy from a serial killer; learning someone she loves might be that serial killer; or finding out she's a target of that killer.
I like the second one because I like that list (though you need commas, not semicolons, in the list). And I'd maybe go with a dash for a pause before the last one, just so there's that breath of finality.
Psychic Jasmine Winters is about to find out which is harder: saving her worst enemy from a serial killer, learning someone she loves might be that serial killer-- or finding out she's a target of that killer.
Just a couple thoughts: I like "psychic with a conscience" and if you go with the second line, I'd use that before her name. And consider putting in some action-- you have "is about to find out," but that's pretty passive. Is about to discover might be stronger. Must discover? You have "Find out" twice in the sentence, and you don't want that.
And think about definite articles -- "a target" is indefinite, sort of formless. THE target sounds more focused, more critical. (And yeah, maybe he's got more than one target. Who cares? She's still THE target. Don't water down the danger.:)
Anyway, I do like that list! Think about strengthening the first part of that line. Does she find out through her psychic ability? Or some other way? You could add on something to the beginning, like "The crystal ball is telling Jasmine ..."
Again, experiment, and aim for precision and focus. But I do like the list! I think it's clever and sets up her conflicts in an intriguing way.
Alicia
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Linda's log line
Linda says:
Here are my two. You are welcome to use my name. In my case, Monster Mash is very appropriate!
Well, I'm obviously a sucker for odd things, but I immediately perked up with the first one because it had B-movie monsters and papparazzi. The second is serviceable but didn't fire any jets for me.
The term "celebrity assassin" was confusing-- that's one of those glitches in English, where you're not sure whether the first is a modifier (a famous assassin), or part of the noun (an assassin of celebrities). Either way, the question is-- if he's an assassin, why would he work so hard to prevent an assassination? I'm assuming he has a reason. So why not say? ...to stop the assassination of his favorite porn star? to stop the assassination of the movie producer who expressed interest in his screenplay? The goal needs motivation. Why does he want to accomplish this?
The second one has more motivation (though fewer Alicia-inciting buzzwords)-- this weapon is going to destroy his country. (By assassinating someone? Who?) Actually, though the stakes are clearly higher-- destruction of a country vs. an assassination-- killing a person FEELS more stakey than ho-hum, another country destroyed (it's actually very, very hard to destroy a country, after all, and takes so long). Maybe if you make it clear who is to be assassinated, you can give a sense of the danger to the country?
Experiment, and let's see. :)
Alicia
Here are my two. You are welcome to use my name. In my case, Monster Mash is very appropriate!
1. When a celebrity assassin discovers the existence of a deadly weapon from the past, he has to dodge magic, B-movie monsters, and paparazzi to stop an assassination.
2. When a celebrity assassin discovers a map painted in magic in a painting, he is plunged into a desperate search for a weapon that could destroy his country.
Thank you very much for posting the original list. J It turned out that thinking about a couple of the elements helped me figure out a better ending for the book.
Linda Adams
Well, I'm obviously a sucker for odd things, but I immediately perked up with the first one because it had B-movie monsters and papparazzi. The second is serviceable but didn't fire any jets for me.
The term "celebrity assassin" was confusing-- that's one of those glitches in English, where you're not sure whether the first is a modifier (a famous assassin), or part of the noun (an assassin of celebrities). Either way, the question is-- if he's an assassin, why would he work so hard to prevent an assassination? I'm assuming he has a reason. So why not say? ...to stop the assassination of his favorite porn star? to stop the assassination of the movie producer who expressed interest in his screenplay? The goal needs motivation. Why does he want to accomplish this?
The second one has more motivation (though fewer Alicia-inciting buzzwords)-- this weapon is going to destroy his country. (By assassinating someone? Who?) Actually, though the stakes are clearly higher-- destruction of a country vs. an assassination-- killing a person FEELS more stakey than ho-hum, another country destroyed (it's actually very, very hard to destroy a country, after all, and takes so long). Maybe if you make it clear who is to be assassinated, you can give a sense of the danger to the country?
Experiment, and let's see. :)
Alicia
Jeannie's log line, because she has my mother's name :)
Jeannie says:
I see you are starting up with the loglines. I have since changed my book. Here are the old log lines
To create his perfect mate, Lucifer not only must first turn a frustrated artist into a vampire, but must convince her to give up her false notions about him, vampires and the universe, or he faces rejection...again. Fallen from Grace, now fallen in love, Lucifer discovers turning a frustrated artist into a vampire is only the beginning of a journey that will lead him to confront a merciless God, insatiable vampires and ultimately his own feelings of rejection.
Here are the new ones:
Clues found in mysterious rituals and ancient writings show a frustrated artist she's the reincarnation of a divine spirit destined to redeem the original fallen angel and bring peace, but first she must survive the vampires who will do anything to stop her. Vampires hunt a woman mentioned throughout ancient writings who's destined to redeem the first fallen angel and bring peace.
Thanks for doing this.
Hi, Jeanie.I like the first one because it's personal, because it shows a character who has a goal and a conflict. And I happen to have always had a secret hankering for Lucifer (the legacy of a Catholic girlhood :), so my interest was quickened just like that!
The second one is interesting, but very distant. Notice that you start with an impersonal noun (Clues) and you also have the last line, the conflict line, start impersonally, with vampires, not either major character. I'd go with the first-- It's strong on character and also has the buzz of Lucifer, and that great line about "fallen". Personal = high stakes.
For either, I'd give the frustrated artist a name, and since "frustrated" sounds sort of trivial, I'd go with a stronger, more conflict-filled adjective, like "Annie, a despairing artist/a failed artist/ a disillusioned artist...." Heck, I'm a frustrated artist. That is truly not as cool as a fallen angel. :)
Which do you like best?
Alicia
I see you are starting up with the loglines. I have since changed my book. Here are the old log lines
To create his perfect mate, Lucifer not only must first turn a frustrated artist into a vampire, but must convince her to give up her false notions about him, vampires and the universe, or he faces rejection...again. Fallen from Grace, now fallen in love, Lucifer discovers turning a frustrated artist into a vampire is only the beginning of a journey that will lead him to confront a merciless God, insatiable vampires and ultimately his own feelings of rejection.
Here are the new ones:
Clues found in mysterious rituals and ancient writings show a frustrated artist she's the reincarnation of a divine spirit destined to redeem the original fallen angel and bring peace, but first she must survive the vampires who will do anything to stop her. Vampires hunt a woman mentioned throughout ancient writings who's destined to redeem the first fallen angel and bring peace.
Thanks for doing this.
Hi, Jeanie.I like the first one because it's personal, because it shows a character who has a goal and a conflict. And I happen to have always had a secret hankering for Lucifer (the legacy of a Catholic girlhood :), so my interest was quickened just like that!
The second one is interesting, but very distant. Notice that you start with an impersonal noun (Clues) and you also have the last line, the conflict line, start impersonally, with vampires, not either major character. I'd go with the first-- It's strong on character and also has the buzz of Lucifer, and that great line about "fallen". Personal = high stakes.
For either, I'd give the frustrated artist a name, and since "frustrated" sounds sort of trivial, I'd go with a stronger, more conflict-filled adjective, like "Annie, a despairing artist/a failed artist/ a disillusioned artist...." Heck, I'm a frustrated artist. That is truly not as cool as a fallen angel. :)
Which do you like best?
Alicia
Monday, May 18, 2009
Log Lines, or, Picking Up Where We Left Off
Once, in the ladies room at a conference, I overheard an author complaining about her editor. "She takes forever to read anything. I think it's because she spends all day blogging and twittering."
Clearly, that author was not talking about me, despite my sometimes slow reading response times. Apologies for my recent lack of blogging, but blogging is for fun, and work does come first. The good news is that we've got two new acquisitions editors hard at work on our backlog, my injuries from the car wreck are about 98% healed, the Red Sage 15th Anniversary celebration is more or less planned, and there are fewer than 80 pending manuscripts in my inbox. Things are starting to feel almost normal again. (knock wood)
So. Where were we? Oh, right. Log lines.
Here's a pair from Beth, who blogged about finding our blog through Janet Reid's blog. Bet you can't say that five times fast.
After a teen girl who's been cryogenically frozen on a generation space ship is woken up fifty years before the ship's due to land on a new planet, she must work with the future leader of the ship to find the person who is unplugging (and thereby killing) the other cryogenically frozen people...before her parents are unplugged.
After two teens on a generation space ship discover a plot to kill the cryogenically frozen people on board, they also discover a terrible secret about the ship, and must decide whether it's better to tell the truth or let everyone else live in happy ignorance.
Anybody know what a generation space ship is?
My first thought is that I want to play mix and match with this pair. In no particular order, here are the things that jump out at me.
If we scramble the bits, we might end up with something like,
After a teen girl on a generation space ship discovers a plot to kill the cryogenically frozen people on board, she must work with the future leader of the ship to find the person who is killing the other cryogenically frozen people...before her parents are unplugged.
Still not perfect. Teen girl is okay because it signals YA, but I'd like something that indicates character. Throw me an adjective. Lonely teen girl. Or a character tag. Prom queen.
But it does now sound like an interesting story, doesn't it? I can easily imagine wanting to read this one. What does everyone think?
Theresa
Clearly, that author was not talking about me, despite my sometimes slow reading response times. Apologies for my recent lack of blogging, but blogging is for fun, and work does come first. The good news is that we've got two new acquisitions editors hard at work on our backlog, my injuries from the car wreck are about 98% healed, the Red Sage 15th Anniversary celebration is more or less planned, and there are fewer than 80 pending manuscripts in my inbox. Things are starting to feel almost normal again. (knock wood)
So. Where were we? Oh, right. Log lines.
Here's a pair from Beth, who blogged about finding our blog through Janet Reid's blog. Bet you can't say that five times fast.
After a teen girl who's been cryogenically frozen on a generation space ship is woken up fifty years before the ship's due to land on a new planet, she must work with the future leader of the ship to find the person who is unplugging (and thereby killing) the other cryogenically frozen people...before her parents are unplugged.
After two teens on a generation space ship discover a plot to kill the cryogenically frozen people on board, they also discover a terrible secret about the ship, and must decide whether it's better to tell the truth or let everyone else live in happy ignorance.
Anybody know what a generation space ship is?
My first thought is that I want to play mix and match with this pair. In no particular order, here are the things that jump out at me.
- I want the teen girl instead of two teens, because it gives a clear protagonist.
- The whole fifty years thing seems like a distraction.
- The plot to kill the other cryogenically frozen people is interesting. And probably is the plot.
- Her parents. There's your stakes.
- How can the others live in happy ignorance if they're being picked off in their sleep?
If we scramble the bits, we might end up with something like,
After a teen girl on a generation space ship discovers a plot to kill the cryogenically frozen people on board, she must work with the future leader of the ship to find the person who is killing the other cryogenically frozen people...before her parents are unplugged.
Still not perfect. Teen girl is okay because it signals YA, but I'd like something that indicates character. Throw me an adjective. Lonely teen girl. Or a character tag. Prom queen.
But it does now sound like an interesting story, doesn't it? I can easily imagine wanting to read this one. What does everyone think?
Theresa
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Ian's log lines
1. Three young mercenaries trapped in dead-end jobs get the opportunity for one shot at fortune and glory, so long as they can avoid getting killed in the pursuit of a fragile and highly-prized collectible.
I like this one better too, I think because the protagonists are immediately identified, and the first verbal is strong ("trapped"). I would suggest trimming and intensifying that "Get the opportunity"-- maybe "risk all" or "gamble all"? Go for high stakes terms to show the urgency, and be wary of the stacked verbs (can avoid getting killed). Try " ... so long as they don't get killed pursuing a ..."
Also, if it's important, maybe say what the collectible is?
Good work-- just watch those "wriggle words" in your verb phrases.
Alicia
I like this one better too, I think because the protagonists are immediately identified, and the first verbal is strong ("trapped"). I would suggest trimming and intensifying that "Get the opportunity"-- maybe "risk all" or "gamble all"? Go for high stakes terms to show the urgency, and be wary of the stacked verbs (can avoid getting killed). Try " ... so long as they don't get killed pursuing a ..."
Also, if it's important, maybe say what the collectible is?
Good work-- just watch those "wriggle words" in your verb phrases.
Alicia
Monday, April 20, 2009
Log Lines #5
I'm exhausted from the mad dash to prepare for RT, but I faithfully promised Ian that we would post his log lines today. And there's still about 40 minutes left of today in my time zone, so we're getting it in just under the wire.
So, with no further ado:
1. Three young mercenaries trapped in dead-end jobs get the opportunity for one shot at fortune and glory, so long as they can avoid getting killed in the pursuit of a fragile and highly-prized collectible.
2. With only three collectible bottles left in the entire world, it will take the best wits and skills of three young mercenaries to retrieve one and destroy the other two when it seems like the entire world is allayed against them.
I really like the first one. We could say that "liking" something is purely subjective, but remember, I've heard a lot of pitches over the years. I'll sit through four hours' worth this week alone, and that's not counting the elevator-and-bathroom stalker pitches, the casual mingling-in-the-bar pitches, the you've-got-to-hear-about-my-friend's-book pitches -- really, there's an almost infinite variety of pitches at conferences. It's part of what makes a conference fun.
So I tend to trust my subjective responses because they've been honed by repeat exposure to the pitching process. That said, subjective responses are still, um, subjective.
But once we start to pick apart the sentences, we can see distinct differences between them that might give rise to that knee-jerk subjective response. The first one, for example, starts off with people. Most readers want a story about people, about characters, rather than about concepts or objects. (There are exceptions. Remember that movie that followed a dollar bill around for a day? There were people in it, interesting people even, but it was pretty much a story about the adventures of a piece of green paper.)
The second log line winds through 19 words before we get to the people. By comparison, it feels a bit disembodied and maybe even a little flat. This could be intentional, though.
I also prefer the verb choices in the first one. Not just the verbs, but the verbals. Look at how gritty they are and the way they set up a theme. Trapped, dead, shot, killed. (No, dead's not a verb or a verbal, but it fits the theme. These characters are in Oh Crap Big Trouble.)
In the second, what do we have? Retrieved. Allayed. Seems. Eh. Throw in some wits and skills (what kind?), and it begins to take on a mildly cerebral feeling.
In one sense, that almost detached feeling in the second log line works in its favor. I keep thinking about that bottle. It's the most concrete and tangible object in the log line, so it jumps out at me. Why a bottle? It's just an old bottle, and there are hundreds to be found in every landfill. Right? But then I realized that this sentence might be setting us up to understand that the bottle itself isn't all that important -- the sentence creates distance, right, so we can remain a bit detached from the bottle as a physical object and just accept it as a concept. Think of it like a plain gold ring. It's important because of what it stands for, and this sentence is already training me to think of that bottle as a symbolic object like a wedding band. So if this is a mildly cerebral book about a symbolic object, the second log line might be the better option.
But I still like the first log line better.
What do all of you think? I'm barely awake right now, so I could be missing some obvious details. And Ian needs our help. He'll be pitching this book soon. Let's help him get ready.
Theresa
So, with no further ado:
1. Three young mercenaries trapped in dead-end jobs get the opportunity for one shot at fortune and glory, so long as they can avoid getting killed in the pursuit of a fragile and highly-prized collectible.
2. With only three collectible bottles left in the entire world, it will take the best wits and skills of three young mercenaries to retrieve one and destroy the other two when it seems like the entire world is allayed against them.
I really like the first one. We could say that "liking" something is purely subjective, but remember, I've heard a lot of pitches over the years. I'll sit through four hours' worth this week alone, and that's not counting the elevator-and-bathroom stalker pitches, the casual mingling-in-the-bar pitches, the you've-got-to-hear-about-my-friend's-book pitches -- really, there's an almost infinite variety of pitches at conferences. It's part of what makes a conference fun.
So I tend to trust my subjective responses because they've been honed by repeat exposure to the pitching process. That said, subjective responses are still, um, subjective.
But once we start to pick apart the sentences, we can see distinct differences between them that might give rise to that knee-jerk subjective response. The first one, for example, starts off with people. Most readers want a story about people, about characters, rather than about concepts or objects. (There are exceptions. Remember that movie that followed a dollar bill around for a day? There were people in it, interesting people even, but it was pretty much a story about the adventures of a piece of green paper.)
The second log line winds through 19 words before we get to the people. By comparison, it feels a bit disembodied and maybe even a little flat. This could be intentional, though.
I also prefer the verb choices in the first one. Not just the verbs, but the verbals. Look at how gritty they are and the way they set up a theme. Trapped, dead, shot, killed. (No, dead's not a verb or a verbal, but it fits the theme. These characters are in Oh Crap Big Trouble.)
In the second, what do we have? Retrieved. Allayed. Seems. Eh. Throw in some wits and skills (what kind?), and it begins to take on a mildly cerebral feeling.
In one sense, that almost detached feeling in the second log line works in its favor. I keep thinking about that bottle. It's the most concrete and tangible object in the log line, so it jumps out at me. Why a bottle? It's just an old bottle, and there are hundreds to be found in every landfill. Right? But then I realized that this sentence might be setting us up to understand that the bottle itself isn't all that important -- the sentence creates distance, right, so we can remain a bit detached from the bottle as a physical object and just accept it as a concept. Think of it like a plain gold ring. It's important because of what it stands for, and this sentence is already training me to think of that bottle as a symbolic object like a wedding band. So if this is a mildly cerebral book about a symbolic object, the second log line might be the better option.
But I still like the first log line better.
What do all of you think? I'm barely awake right now, so I could be missing some obvious details. And Ian needs our help. He'll be pitching this book soon. Let's help him get ready.
Theresa
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Log Lines #4
Here's a single log line from Wes. Some of you may remember Wes's powerful and evocative opening paragraph from previous exercises. He's definitely got a way with words.
A young man from Missouri must survive the alien ways of New Mexico in 1821 to become a Santa Fe trader and marry his love, a provocative Mexican woman.
This is clean and tight and I don't get lost in any confusing phrases or unclear terms. So right away, I'm inclined to like this sentence. Remember, when you pitch, I have to process the information with my ears. If I have to pause to untangle a strange phrasing, I might lose the next few words from your pitch. Neither of us wants that.
So insofar as this is lucid and linear, it's a good opening sentence. And it's got a few other things going for it, too -- clearly delineated time and place, a hint of a story arc, a suggestion of world-building.
That said, it could be improved with a few tweaks here and there. I'd like something more evocative than "a young man," which is a bit generic. Well, maybe it hints that this is a coming of age story, but even so, we could do with a more vivid character tag. Untried idealist? Scrappy runaway? Either could be true at this point because we don't really know anything about this character other than that he is young, male, moves from one place to another, and eventually creates an adult life.
Also, I'd like a stronger sense of obstacles or conflict. Must survive the alien ways isn't all bad, especially with strongly dramatic words like survive and alien. But it's not concrete, is it? Maybe this is just me, but one of my first thoughts was that in 1821, Missouri and New Mexico were both more or less frontier areas. New Mexico had a bit more Spanish and native influence, right? So is that what makes it alien? That it's got different cultural influences?
I don't know. What does everyone think? Should he replace must survive the alien ways with something like must learn a new language and a new culture? It's more concrete, but these things feel more like tasks than obstacles.
Wes, what are the obstacles? What is it in the beginning that keeps the young man from becoming a trader and marrying the Mexican woman?
One other point. I assume this is a coming-of-age tale because this log line sets up that notion. In fact, this is one of the purposes of using a broad summary statement like this to open your pitch -- it gives us a frame through which we can view the details presented in the rest of the pitch. Between this line and what I remember of the opening paragraph we saw, er, last summer or so, I'm already thinking in terms of a more genfic version of a Cormac McCarthy story. Fewer literary fillips, more straightforward storytelling, with strong and clean language. Is that accurate?
The reason I ask -- and this may be obvious, but sometimes the most obvious points could use an airing, too -- is that everything you say to me during a pitch softens the soil for your later submission. If you pitch a "Cormac lite" coming-of-age tale, and submit a High Noon-style sheriffs-and-posses story, it's going to shade the way I view your viability as a career writer. I may love the book you submit. I may even buy it. But I'm going to wonder if you understand your own writing well enough to deliver a second publishable manuscript. (Not you specifically, Wes. Though I do specifically want you to tell me if this is a bildungsroman, and what form the obstacles take.)
A special note to commenters and lurkers
I had a private conversation tonight with someone I respect who confessed to being a bit shy about posting in the comments here. I hope this is an isolated case! Honestly, I think the comments are a key part of this blog. Please don't be shy about speaking up. We like a workshop environment around here, and this means everyone is welcome to participate. Our commenters are respectful, smart, insightful, witty, gracious people -- believe me, this is a group you can be proud to join.
Theresa
A young man from Missouri must survive the alien ways of New Mexico in 1821 to become a Santa Fe trader and marry his love, a provocative Mexican woman.
This is clean and tight and I don't get lost in any confusing phrases or unclear terms. So right away, I'm inclined to like this sentence. Remember, when you pitch, I have to process the information with my ears. If I have to pause to untangle a strange phrasing, I might lose the next few words from your pitch. Neither of us wants that.
So insofar as this is lucid and linear, it's a good opening sentence. And it's got a few other things going for it, too -- clearly delineated time and place, a hint of a story arc, a suggestion of world-building.
That said, it could be improved with a few tweaks here and there. I'd like something more evocative than "a young man," which is a bit generic. Well, maybe it hints that this is a coming of age story, but even so, we could do with a more vivid character tag. Untried idealist? Scrappy runaway? Either could be true at this point because we don't really know anything about this character other than that he is young, male, moves from one place to another, and eventually creates an adult life.
Also, I'd like a stronger sense of obstacles or conflict. Must survive the alien ways isn't all bad, especially with strongly dramatic words like survive and alien. But it's not concrete, is it? Maybe this is just me, but one of my first thoughts was that in 1821, Missouri and New Mexico were both more or less frontier areas. New Mexico had a bit more Spanish and native influence, right? So is that what makes it alien? That it's got different cultural influences?
I don't know. What does everyone think? Should he replace must survive the alien ways with something like must learn a new language and a new culture? It's more concrete, but these things feel more like tasks than obstacles.
Wes, what are the obstacles? What is it in the beginning that keeps the young man from becoming a trader and marrying the Mexican woman?
One other point. I assume this is a coming-of-age tale because this log line sets up that notion. In fact, this is one of the purposes of using a broad summary statement like this to open your pitch -- it gives us a frame through which we can view the details presented in the rest of the pitch. Between this line and what I remember of the opening paragraph we saw, er, last summer or so, I'm already thinking in terms of a more genfic version of a Cormac McCarthy story. Fewer literary fillips, more straightforward storytelling, with strong and clean language. Is that accurate?
The reason I ask -- and this may be obvious, but sometimes the most obvious points could use an airing, too -- is that everything you say to me during a pitch softens the soil for your later submission. If you pitch a "Cormac lite" coming-of-age tale, and submit a High Noon-style sheriffs-and-posses story, it's going to shade the way I view your viability as a career writer. I may love the book you submit. I may even buy it. But I'm going to wonder if you understand your own writing well enough to deliver a second publishable manuscript. (Not you specifically, Wes. Though I do specifically want you to tell me if this is a bildungsroman, and what form the obstacles take.)
A special note to commenters and lurkers
I had a private conversation tonight with someone I respect who confessed to being a bit shy about posting in the comments here. I hope this is an isolated case! Honestly, I think the comments are a key part of this blog. Please don't be shy about speaking up. We like a workshop environment around here, and this means everyone is welcome to participate. Our commenters are respectful, smart, insightful, witty, gracious people -- believe me, this is a group you can be proud to join.
Theresa
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Log Lines #3
Here's a pair from Julie.
The second one gives me a lot of questions. Who made the hit list? Someone evil, right? So does it start in the hands of one evil creature and "fall into" another's? The phrase, the hands of a dark realm, confuses me a little. Are we talking about henchmen or kingpins? And notice that the demon is now a demon relic hunter. What does that mean? Is it a demon who hunts relics? Or a hunter of demon relics?
So I get a little lost in the second log line. But there are a couple of ideas contained in it that strike me as important, and that ought to be included somewhere in a pitch. First, she's the only human on the list. This seems important. Second, her power is untapped, which hints at transformation plot. Third, her power is unknown, yes, but more important, the ultimate effects of her power are unknown. Could be good, could be ultimate destruction. Again, this plays with the theme of preconceived notions of good and evil. You would think discovering latent powers would be a good thing, right? Maybe not. Maybe it's catastrophic. And I really find this entire theme intriguing.
So what does everyone else think? Do you want to reshape that second log line, or just toss it and recommend using the first one? Are there any holes in the first one that need to be plugged?
Theresa
As prominent and powerful figures in the world of magic – both human and non, good and evil – are assassinated, a chaos witch finds herself caught in the crosshairs with only the protection of a demon standing between her and death.
or
When a hit list targeting the most powerful names in magick - both good and evil - falls in to the hands of the dark realm, a demon relic hunter is assigned the task of finding and retrieving the only human on the list -- a chaos witch whose untapped power will either be the key to stopping the slaughter... of the very thing that destroys them all.
First impressions: I think the first one would make me predisposed to request a submission, and the second one would confuse me.
The first one gives me a strong sense of conflict and connection between the hero and heroine. I like the notion of a chaos witch, though I'm not sure what it means. But I would like to find out. It's intriguing. The phrase is also used in the second pitch, but it stands out a little more in the first. I also like the idea that this evil force is indiscriminate and that the demon is the protector -- these bits, coupled with the phrase chaos witch, makes me think this book will really dig into our preconceptions of what is good and what is evil. That could make for an interesting read, even a challenging one.First impressions: I think the first one would make me predisposed to request a submission, and the second one would confuse me.
The second one gives me a lot of questions. Who made the hit list? Someone evil, right? So does it start in the hands of one evil creature and "fall into" another's? The phrase, the hands of a dark realm, confuses me a little. Are we talking about henchmen or kingpins? And notice that the demon is now a demon relic hunter. What does that mean? Is it a demon who hunts relics? Or a hunter of demon relics?
So I get a little lost in the second log line. But there are a couple of ideas contained in it that strike me as important, and that ought to be included somewhere in a pitch. First, she's the only human on the list. This seems important. Second, her power is untapped, which hints at transformation plot. Third, her power is unknown, yes, but more important, the ultimate effects of her power are unknown. Could be good, could be ultimate destruction. Again, this plays with the theme of preconceived notions of good and evil. You would think discovering latent powers would be a good thing, right? Maybe not. Maybe it's catastrophic. And I really find this entire theme intriguing.
So what does everyone else think? Do you want to reshape that second log line, or just toss it and recommend using the first one? Are there any holes in the first one that need to be plugged?
Theresa
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Log Lines #2
Here's a pair of log lines from Murphy.
Threatened, a highly principled lady must go against her beliefs and blackmail a dangerous man brought down by grief, who is the only one that is strong enough to protect her.
or longer version
Desperate but determined, when she discovers her step-brother’s incestuous plans for her, she seeks out the much feared ‘Terror’, a man rumored to be ravaged by grief over the disappearance of the boy he pledged to protect, and boldly blackmails him into agreeing to sire the heir she needs to secure her lands - as barter for the information she holds regarding the missing boy’s fate.
Hmm. These are good starting points, but they're not quite there yet, are they? They show why it's so hard to write log lines. If they're short enough to follow easily, they might not give enough information. If they're long enough to provide good information, they can get a little tangled.
But let's tackle these from a different angle this time. As we discussed in last year's pitching clinic, one of the things I do during a pitch is listen closely for the story questions. A good, complete pitch will answer most of the big story questions, but there are almost always one or two details left unresolved. This is not a problem. I like it when I can ask questions and keep you talking about your story. I like listening to how you respond, because the manner often tells me as much as the content. Can you give a succinct and complete answer? Have I stumped you?
If a log line is meant to capture my attention right out of the gate, and if questions are a natural response to a pitch, then a good log line not only delivers a capsule summary of your story, but it also gives me a hint of the questions that might be answered in the rest of your pitch.
Let's take a look at the two sentences and see what questions they might prompt.
Threatened, a highly principled lady must go against her beliefs and blackmail a dangerous man brought down by grief, who is the only one that is strong enough to protect her.
My main story questions are:
1. What is the threat against the principled lady?
2. Is the man made dangerous by grief, or was his danger nullified by grief? (The sentence could be interpreted either way.)
That's not a lot of questions, but that's okay. There don't have to be a lot of questions, just enough to keep my mind actively involved. I get other important details from this log line that perk my interest, such as, the hint of inner conflict suggested by "highly principled" and "go against her beliefs." And I really like the way this sets up a contrast between the dangerous man who protects the lady from external harm, and the dangerous man who causes inner discord in the lady. There's a good balance of tension in this sentence.
So, not bad, but the end result is that this one is a tiny bit vague. Are her beliefs religious or ethical or other? Go against isn't very strong -- try a more dramatic verb like violate. And maybe just a teaser about the threat to the lady. Let's see what happens when we get rid of the relative pronoun, too, just for kicks. But we still want to keep it short and clean, so maybe something like,
Threatened, a highly principled lady must violate her moral code and blackmail a man made dangerous by grief but strong enough to protect her from her incestuous step-brother.
I don't know. What does everyone think? This version seems more linear and more concrete to me.
Let's take a look at the second now. It's really long and could probably stand a nip and tuck, but we'll leave that for the moment.
Desperate but determined, when she discovers her step-brother’s incestuous plans for her, she seeks out the much feared ‘Terror’, a man rumored to be ravaged by grief over the disappearance of the boy he pledged to protect, and boldly blackmails him into agreeing to sire the heir she needs to secure her lands - as barter for the information she holds regarding the missing boy’s fate.
I have a long list of questions in mind at the end of this sentence. I bet the rest of you do, too. Let's all help Murphy out here. Post your questions in the comments. I'll get the ball rolling with what seems to me to be the biggest question:
How is this blackmail?
Theresa
Threatened, a highly principled lady must go against her beliefs and blackmail a dangerous man brought down by grief, who is the only one that is strong enough to protect her.
or longer version
Desperate but determined, when she discovers her step-brother’s incestuous plans for her, she seeks out the much feared ‘Terror’, a man rumored to be ravaged by grief over the disappearance of the boy he pledged to protect, and boldly blackmails him into agreeing to sire the heir she needs to secure her lands - as barter for the information she holds regarding the missing boy’s fate.
Hmm. These are good starting points, but they're not quite there yet, are they? They show why it's so hard to write log lines. If they're short enough to follow easily, they might not give enough information. If they're long enough to provide good information, they can get a little tangled.
But let's tackle these from a different angle this time. As we discussed in last year's pitching clinic, one of the things I do during a pitch is listen closely for the story questions. A good, complete pitch will answer most of the big story questions, but there are almost always one or two details left unresolved. This is not a problem. I like it when I can ask questions and keep you talking about your story. I like listening to how you respond, because the manner often tells me as much as the content. Can you give a succinct and complete answer? Have I stumped you?
If a log line is meant to capture my attention right out of the gate, and if questions are a natural response to a pitch, then a good log line not only delivers a capsule summary of your story, but it also gives me a hint of the questions that might be answered in the rest of your pitch.
Let's take a look at the two sentences and see what questions they might prompt.
Threatened, a highly principled lady must go against her beliefs and blackmail a dangerous man brought down by grief, who is the only one that is strong enough to protect her.
My main story questions are:
1. What is the threat against the principled lady?
2. Is the man made dangerous by grief, or was his danger nullified by grief? (The sentence could be interpreted either way.)
That's not a lot of questions, but that's okay. There don't have to be a lot of questions, just enough to keep my mind actively involved. I get other important details from this log line that perk my interest, such as, the hint of inner conflict suggested by "highly principled" and "go against her beliefs." And I really like the way this sets up a contrast between the dangerous man who protects the lady from external harm, and the dangerous man who causes inner discord in the lady. There's a good balance of tension in this sentence.
So, not bad, but the end result is that this one is a tiny bit vague. Are her beliefs religious or ethical or other? Go against isn't very strong -- try a more dramatic verb like violate. And maybe just a teaser about the threat to the lady. Let's see what happens when we get rid of the relative pronoun, too, just for kicks. But we still want to keep it short and clean, so maybe something like,
Threatened, a highly principled lady must violate her moral code and blackmail a man made dangerous by grief but strong enough to protect her from her incestuous step-brother.
I don't know. What does everyone think? This version seems more linear and more concrete to me.
Let's take a look at the second now. It's really long and could probably stand a nip and tuck, but we'll leave that for the moment.
Desperate but determined, when she discovers her step-brother’s incestuous plans for her, she seeks out the much feared ‘Terror’, a man rumored to be ravaged by grief over the disappearance of the boy he pledged to protect, and boldly blackmails him into agreeing to sire the heir she needs to secure her lands - as barter for the information she holds regarding the missing boy’s fate.
I have a long list of questions in mind at the end of this sentence. I bet the rest of you do, too. Let's all help Murphy out here. Post your questions in the comments. I'll get the ball rolling with what seems to me to be the biggest question:
How is this blackmail?
Theresa
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Log Line #1
Jordan sent us these two log lines.
Undercover as a priest, an FBI agent must root out the mob in a Catholic parish before his feelings for the parish secretary blow his cover.
(protagonist + goal + deadline/ticking clock)
When her priest is murdered, the parish secretary didn’t expect to fall in love with his handsome replacement—or to discover the new priest was really an undercover FBI agent.
(inciting incident + obstacle + black moment)
They're both fine, strong sentences, packed with juicy details and easy to follow. This makes it harder to choose between them.
The first thing I notice when comparing them is that one focuses on the hero, the other on the heroine. (By the way, can you spot the ellipsis in the preceding sentence? Pop quiz!) So perhaps the first thing to establish is whether the book is more about the hero and the heroine, and let that establish the ultimate decision.
Except, well, the bit about the murder in the second log line really snaps, doesn't it? What kind of person would murder a priest? That's a one-way ticket to hell, for sure. Anything that shocking and dramatic deserves a first-row seat in your pitch. So I want that tidbit in the log line.
I have the same inclination about the reference to the mob in the first sentence, but this could be due to my abiding love for mob stories. I don't know that others will perk up as I do after hearing that. Anyone? Or is it just me?
So part of me wants to move that mafia reference down into the second pitch, but there is one possible drawback. When I think of mafia stories, I automatically expect a certain structure. Antihero protagonist, mafia activity shown from the pov of one or more mobsters, strong mafia world-building, themes of redemption figuring in the crisis and denouement.
That's probably not what we've got here. And that's slightly problematic because mafia stories allow us to have mixed feelings about criminals. Drug cartels, gangs, and the like are almost always true villains. Mafioso? Eh. There's room for charming rogues there.
So if the mafia is meant to be a pure villain, I want this signaled in the log line, front and center, before I hear the rest of the pitch. Otherwise, I'll listen to the rest with an eye -- or, to be precise, an ear toward figuring out the way the mobsters will be presented in the text. One possible solution would be to use a different term. "Crime syndicate" might be a good option.
This leads us to something like:
When her priest is murdered, the parish secretary didn’t expect to fall in love with his handsome replacement—or to discover the new priest was really an undercover FBI agent investigating a crime syndicate that secretly operates out of her church basement.
It's longer, but it gives us a clear premise, at least two functional characters, the romantic conflict (forbidden love), a nice "secret identity" hook, even a slice of plot. I assume the heroine will have some trust issues she'll be forced to resolve after she discovers the hero's duplicity, so I already suspect I know something about the internal conflicts.
I have no idea, by the way, whether the mob is operating out of the church basement. That's my own insertion because I also wanted some hint of how the mob was connected to the church. The priest's murder may have been accidental, but the plot is stronger if it's not. Indicating a connection like this right away leads me to a question: did the first priest know the bad guys were right underfoot? Was he an accomplice or an interloper?
So what does everyone else think? Got any reactions/suggestions for this one?
Theresa
Undercover as a priest, an FBI agent must root out the mob in a Catholic parish before his feelings for the parish secretary blow his cover.
(protagonist + goal + deadline/ticking clock)
When her priest is murdered, the parish secretary didn’t expect to fall in love with his handsome replacement—or to discover the new priest was really an undercover FBI agent.
(inciting incident + obstacle + black moment)
They're both fine, strong sentences, packed with juicy details and easy to follow. This makes it harder to choose between them.
The first thing I notice when comparing them is that one focuses on the hero, the other on the heroine. (By the way, can you spot the ellipsis in the preceding sentence? Pop quiz!) So perhaps the first thing to establish is whether the book is more about the hero and the heroine, and let that establish the ultimate decision.
Except, well, the bit about the murder in the second log line really snaps, doesn't it? What kind of person would murder a priest? That's a one-way ticket to hell, for sure. Anything that shocking and dramatic deserves a first-row seat in your pitch. So I want that tidbit in the log line.
I have the same inclination about the reference to the mob in the first sentence, but this could be due to my abiding love for mob stories. I don't know that others will perk up as I do after hearing that. Anyone? Or is it just me?
So part of me wants to move that mafia reference down into the second pitch, but there is one possible drawback. When I think of mafia stories, I automatically expect a certain structure. Antihero protagonist, mafia activity shown from the pov of one or more mobsters, strong mafia world-building, themes of redemption figuring in the crisis and denouement.
That's probably not what we've got here. And that's slightly problematic because mafia stories allow us to have mixed feelings about criminals. Drug cartels, gangs, and the like are almost always true villains. Mafioso? Eh. There's room for charming rogues there.
So if the mafia is meant to be a pure villain, I want this signaled in the log line, front and center, before I hear the rest of the pitch. Otherwise, I'll listen to the rest with an eye -- or, to be precise, an ear toward figuring out the way the mobsters will be presented in the text. One possible solution would be to use a different term. "Crime syndicate" might be a good option.
This leads us to something like:
When her priest is murdered, the parish secretary didn’t expect to fall in love with his handsome replacement—or to discover the new priest was really an undercover FBI agent investigating a crime syndicate that secretly operates out of her church basement.
It's longer, but it gives us a clear premise, at least two functional characters, the romantic conflict (forbidden love), a nice "secret identity" hook, even a slice of plot. I assume the heroine will have some trust issues she'll be forced to resolve after she discovers the hero's duplicity, so I already suspect I know something about the internal conflicts.
I have no idea, by the way, whether the mob is operating out of the church basement. That's my own insertion because I also wanted some hint of how the mob was connected to the church. The priest's murder may have been accidental, but the plot is stronger if it's not. Indicating a connection like this right away leads me to a question: did the first priest know the bad guys were right underfoot? Was he an accomplice or an interloper?
So what does everyone else think? Got any reactions/suggestions for this one?
Theresa
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
We Did the Mash
How's the homework coming?
By now, you should have several possible log lines mashed together from the pieces of your worksheet. Would you like some feedback on them? If so, send two -- just two, please -- to
edittorrent@gmail.com
In your email, please also indicate if we can use your first name when we give you feedback on your log lines. We'll be posting them here and allowing others to comment, too.
Theresa
*who should have picked a different title for this post, because now I have "Monster Mash" as an earworm.
By now, you should have several possible log lines mashed together from the pieces of your worksheet. Would you like some feedback on them? If so, send two -- just two, please -- to
edittorrent@gmail.com
In your email, please also indicate if we can use your first name when we give you feedback on your log lines. We'll be posting them here and allowing others to comment, too.
Theresa
*who should have picked a different title for this post, because now I have "Monster Mash" as an earworm.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
How to Put It Together Into One Neat Tweet
In our last post, we gave you homework. You all did your homework, right? Of course you did. You are all prodigies and wouldn't slack on such a thing. (Secret message to Laura: This means you. *ggg*)
I'm going to pretend I'm pitching something and will craft a fake list for us to use as an example.
The protagonist:
Heroine: Laidback earth-mother
Hero: meticulous craftsman
The goal/reward:
To convert the heroine's garage into mother-in-law quarters.
The obstacle(s):
She needs $10,000 as a down payment.
The antagonist:
Crappy economy and frozen credit.
Consequence of failure:
Mother-in-law will be in spare bedroom, and heroine will lose her workspace for her art.
Motive:
Heroine promised dead husband she would always care for m-i-l.
Challenge to self-image:
Until this all happened, my character used to think he was: family-oriented and generous.
Inciting Event:
Nursing home kicks m-i-l out because she keeps stealing the other patients' candy. She's a handful, that one.
Ticking Clock:
Nursing home is paid up for six weeks. After that, m-i-l is out.
Important steps taken:
Heroine hires hero to do the rush build.
Heroine tries/fails to get financing.
Heroine tries/fails to get dead husband's family to help.
Heroine tries/fails to get hero to cut corners on plans.
Final reversal :
Hero pulls out of job because he can't work like this and because he secretly thinks heroine should extricate herself from dead husband's family affairs.
Outcome:
She finally finds closure on her marriage, free to love the hero, sends m-i-l off to live with other family, and converts garage into art studio. Meticulously crafted by hero, of course.
He learns that he can't control every detail, no matter how hard he tries, and that sometimes a man has to give a little to get a little. *wink*
Now, here's what you do. Pick any two or three items on the list, and mash them together into a single sentence. Then pick a different two or three items, and mash those. Lather. Rinse. Repeat until you hit on a combo that sizzles.
And there's your log line. Lead off a pitch with a sizzling, story-specific log line, and whoever is listening will have a "hook" to hang the rest of the pitch on. (I don't mean hook in the secret baby/amnesia/billionaire way, but in the sense that this is the piece which will prop up all the other pieces.)
Added bonus: You can use the rest of the worksheet to draft the rest of your pitch. Why not? You've basically just created a handy little structural road map for your story. Might as well use it to get where you want to go.
Let's try a few, shall we?
When a laidback earth mother gets a six-week eviction notice from her mother-in-law's nursing home, she has to choose between finally letting go of her dead husband and honoring her deathbed promise to him to always take care of his mother.
Eh. OK. But where's the hero? If you use a line like this for a romance pitch, bring the hero in quickly after it.
When a laidback earth mother must take her dead husband's mother into her home, she hires a meticulous craftsman to build a garage apartment, and instead they end up building a new life together.
A little hokey, but it definitely conveys the premise.
When a laidback earth mother hires a meticulous craftsman to construct a garage apartment, the two of them battle over everything from appliances and color choices to their growing attraction to each other.
When her dead husband's family refuses to care for their ailing matriarch, a laidback earth mother must come to terms with her widowhood and find a way to love again.
As you see, once you start playing with piece, you might find yourself riffing in ways that leap off the worksheet you filled out. That's okay. The worksheet is meant to inspire, not to limit.
Now it's your turn. Mash away! Keep going until you find an opening sentence that really speaks to you.
Theresa
I'm going to pretend I'm pitching something and will craft a fake list for us to use as an example.
The protagonist:
Heroine: Laidback earth-mother
Hero: meticulous craftsman
The goal/reward:
To convert the heroine's garage into mother-in-law quarters.
The obstacle(s):
She needs $10,000 as a down payment.
The antagonist:
Crappy economy and frozen credit.
Consequence of failure:
Mother-in-law will be in spare bedroom, and heroine will lose her workspace for her art.
Motive:
Heroine promised dead husband she would always care for m-i-l.
Challenge to self-image:
Until this all happened, my character used to think he was: family-oriented and generous.
Inciting Event:
Nursing home kicks m-i-l out because she keeps stealing the other patients' candy. She's a handful, that one.
Ticking Clock:
Nursing home is paid up for six weeks. After that, m-i-l is out.
Important steps taken:
Heroine hires hero to do the rush build.
Heroine tries/fails to get financing.
Heroine tries/fails to get dead husband's family to help.
Heroine tries/fails to get hero to cut corners on plans.
Final reversal :
Hero pulls out of job because he can't work like this and because he secretly thinks heroine should extricate herself from dead husband's family affairs.
Outcome:
She finally finds closure on her marriage, free to love the hero, sends m-i-l off to live with other family, and converts garage into art studio. Meticulously crafted by hero, of course.
He learns that he can't control every detail, no matter how hard he tries, and that sometimes a man has to give a little to get a little. *wink*
Now, here's what you do. Pick any two or three items on the list, and mash them together into a single sentence. Then pick a different two or three items, and mash those. Lather. Rinse. Repeat until you hit on a combo that sizzles.
And there's your log line. Lead off a pitch with a sizzling, story-specific log line, and whoever is listening will have a "hook" to hang the rest of the pitch on. (I don't mean hook in the secret baby/amnesia/billionaire way, but in the sense that this is the piece which will prop up all the other pieces.)
Added bonus: You can use the rest of the worksheet to draft the rest of your pitch. Why not? You've basically just created a handy little structural road map for your story. Might as well use it to get where you want to go.
Let's try a few, shall we?
When a laidback earth mother gets a six-week eviction notice from her mother-in-law's nursing home, she has to choose between finally letting go of her dead husband and honoring her deathbed promise to him to always take care of his mother.
Eh. OK. But where's the hero? If you use a line like this for a romance pitch, bring the hero in quickly after it.
When a laidback earth mother must take her dead husband's mother into her home, she hires a meticulous craftsman to build a garage apartment, and instead they end up building a new life together.
A little hokey, but it definitely conveys the premise.
When a laidback earth mother hires a meticulous craftsman to construct a garage apartment, the two of them battle over everything from appliances and color choices to their growing attraction to each other.
When her dead husband's family refuses to care for their ailing matriarch, a laidback earth mother must come to terms with her widowhood and find a way to love again.
As you see, once you start playing with piece, you might find yourself riffing in ways that leap off the worksheet you filled out. That's okay. The worksheet is meant to inspire, not to limit.
Now it's your turn. Mash away! Keep going until you find an opening sentence that really speaks to you.
Theresa
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Log Line Pitches, or, How to Tweet Your Novel
I've been mulling over the best way to present this topic because, to be honest, I have mixed feelings about log lines in pitches. When they've worked, they've worked very effectively. When they haven't, well, the results are usually confusion and distraction. Probably on both sides of the table.
So that got me thinking about what makes a log line pitch work effectively, but before we get into that, I want to make some attempt to define a log line.
Log lines come to fiction by way of dramatic writing -- tv and movies, that is, where pitching is a regular business activity. My exposure to this corner is a bit limited, so I might have this wrong, but my understanding is that they call them "log lines" because somewhere in a production corner, assistants keep logs of works in development, and those logs generally contain one-line summaries of the story in a page header.
Chances are, if you can encapsulate your entire book in a sentence, you've got a good handle on that book. If you start talking about your book and get lost in details, subplots, secondary characters, ideas for scenes you've cut -- well, that feels a bit uncontrolled and makes me wonder whether the finished product will be coherent.
So that's the first reason log lines are good. They can convince me of the coherence of the finished book. The second reason? They can provide a convenient frame through which I can view the rest of your pitch. In other words, present the log line first and use it to highlight the key aspects of your book. It can be my road map as I'm listening to the deeper details of your pitch.
But which details should you choose for the logline? That's the tricky part, isn't it? Someone, somewhere, got the idea to use a "this meets that" format as a way of shorthanding the process.
I really hate those.
For one thing, it presumes we've seen the same shows -- these almost always draw on movies and tv shows as examples, rather than books, which strikes me as odd because you're pitching a written story, not a filmed one. And you're pitching to literary people, and most of us are women, and frequently the family's entertainment needs trump ours. This creates some little anomolies. For example, I can sing the words to SpongeBob SquarePants from heart, but I haven't been to the movie theatre yet this year.
DVD rentals? I have what I call my Blockbuster mantra. No soldiers, no chainsaws, no jokes about vomit, no severed limbs, no car chases, and especially, please God, no World War II. I reserve the right to ignore any part of this mantra based on the whim of the moment. But I hardly ever do, because who's got time to watch movies you only halfway want to see?
TV shows? Good luck pitching to me on the basis of a tv show. I watch The Office. Jim's a classic beta, but we don't publish many beta male heroes. Beyond that -- honestly, it just dawned on me recently that The Gilmore Girls and The Golden Girls are two different shows.
Do you see where the problem lies? Unless you want to draw comparisons to Chowder's attempt to cook Sing Beans or Squidward's love for his clarinet, we might not be speaking such a common language, after all. Not all editors are quite this out of touch, but I'm willing to bet that as a group, we log fewer than average hours of tv and movie watching.
When it comes right down to it, you're better off with a log line that is specific to your book and doesn't draw on material generated by other people.
And it's a lot easier than you might think.
Here's the first step. Take out a sheet of paper. We're going to start with a homework assignment. Your job is to fill in these blanks. I'll provide you with a few tips along the way.
The protagonist: ________________
(Use an adjective plus a common noun rather than his name. "Laidback wanderer" tells me more than "Bob Gomez.")
(Romance writers need to do this twice, once for the hero and once for the heroine.)
The goal/reward: ________________
(What's the best, biggest thing the protagonist wants to happen? Aim for something tangible. "Find true love" is less compelling than "convert her garage into mother-in-law quarters.")
The obstacle(s): __________________
(Again, be concrete and specific. "She needs $10,000." Not, "she has low self-esteem and is afraid to love.")
The antagonist: __________________
(Doesn't have to be a person. Should be tangible. Snidely Whiplash or a blizzard.)
Consequence of failure: ___________
(If she doesn't get ten grand to build separate quarters for her mother-in-law, then That Woman will be in her house. All. The. Time.)
Motive: ________________________
(This can be a bit more abstract. Motives are often based in emotions.)
Challenge to self-image: __________
(How does all this make your character question his character? Put another way, fill in this blank: "Until this all happened, my character used to think he was______.")
Inciting Event: ___________________
(The first event that kicks everything off. Nursing home kicks m-i-l out because she keeps stealing the other patients' candy.)
Ticking Clock: ____________________
(What do you mean, your character doesn't have a deadline? Give her one.)
Important steps taken: ____________
(Three things the protagonist does to achieve her goal. Take out a bank loan, hire a contractor, pick out appliances.)
Final reversal : __________________
(The last bad thing that happens before everything flips around and becomes happy again. Sometimes referred to as the black moment.)
Outcome: __________________________
(What does your protagonist get in the end? Might not be what she wants. Scarlett wanted Ashley for like eleven thousand pages, but in the end, she wanted Rhett.)
If you have questions about particular items on this list, fire away in the comments. But save your list for later. We don't need your answers just yet. Only you need them now.
Theresa
So that got me thinking about what makes a log line pitch work effectively, but before we get into that, I want to make some attempt to define a log line.
Log lines come to fiction by way of dramatic writing -- tv and movies, that is, where pitching is a regular business activity. My exposure to this corner is a bit limited, so I might have this wrong, but my understanding is that they call them "log lines" because somewhere in a production corner, assistants keep logs of works in development, and those logs generally contain one-line summaries of the story in a page header.
Chances are, if you can encapsulate your entire book in a sentence, you've got a good handle on that book. If you start talking about your book and get lost in details, subplots, secondary characters, ideas for scenes you've cut -- well, that feels a bit uncontrolled and makes me wonder whether the finished product will be coherent.
So that's the first reason log lines are good. They can convince me of the coherence of the finished book. The second reason? They can provide a convenient frame through which I can view the rest of your pitch. In other words, present the log line first and use it to highlight the key aspects of your book. It can be my road map as I'm listening to the deeper details of your pitch.
But which details should you choose for the logline? That's the tricky part, isn't it? Someone, somewhere, got the idea to use a "this meets that" format as a way of shorthanding the process.
I really hate those.
For one thing, it presumes we've seen the same shows -- these almost always draw on movies and tv shows as examples, rather than books, which strikes me as odd because you're pitching a written story, not a filmed one. And you're pitching to literary people, and most of us are women, and frequently the family's entertainment needs trump ours. This creates some little anomolies. For example, I can sing the words to SpongeBob SquarePants from heart, but I haven't been to the movie theatre yet this year.
DVD rentals? I have what I call my Blockbuster mantra. No soldiers, no chainsaws, no jokes about vomit, no severed limbs, no car chases, and especially, please God, no World War II. I reserve the right to ignore any part of this mantra based on the whim of the moment. But I hardly ever do, because who's got time to watch movies you only halfway want to see?
TV shows? Good luck pitching to me on the basis of a tv show. I watch The Office. Jim's a classic beta, but we don't publish many beta male heroes. Beyond that -- honestly, it just dawned on me recently that The Gilmore Girls and The Golden Girls are two different shows.
Do you see where the problem lies? Unless you want to draw comparisons to Chowder's attempt to cook Sing Beans or Squidward's love for his clarinet, we might not be speaking such a common language, after all. Not all editors are quite this out of touch, but I'm willing to bet that as a group, we log fewer than average hours of tv and movie watching.
When it comes right down to it, you're better off with a log line that is specific to your book and doesn't draw on material generated by other people.
And it's a lot easier than you might think.
Here's the first step. Take out a sheet of paper. We're going to start with a homework assignment. Your job is to fill in these blanks. I'll provide you with a few tips along the way.
The protagonist: ________________
(Use an adjective plus a common noun rather than his name. "Laidback wanderer" tells me more than "Bob Gomez.")
(Romance writers need to do this twice, once for the hero and once for the heroine.)
The goal/reward: ________________
(What's the best, biggest thing the protagonist wants to happen? Aim for something tangible. "Find true love" is less compelling than "convert her garage into mother-in-law quarters.")
The obstacle(s): __________________
(Again, be concrete and specific. "She needs $10,000." Not, "she has low self-esteem and is afraid to love.")
The antagonist: __________________
(Doesn't have to be a person. Should be tangible. Snidely Whiplash or a blizzard.)
Consequence of failure: ___________
(If she doesn't get ten grand to build separate quarters for her mother-in-law, then That Woman will be in her house. All. The. Time.)
Motive: ________________________
(This can be a bit more abstract. Motives are often based in emotions.)
Challenge to self-image: __________
(How does all this make your character question his character? Put another way, fill in this blank: "Until this all happened, my character used to think he was______.")
Inciting Event: ___________________
(The first event that kicks everything off. Nursing home kicks m-i-l out because she keeps stealing the other patients' candy.)
Ticking Clock: ____________________
(What do you mean, your character doesn't have a deadline? Give her one.)
Important steps taken: ____________
(Three things the protagonist does to achieve her goal. Take out a bank loan, hire a contractor, pick out appliances.)
Final reversal : __________________
(The last bad thing that happens before everything flips around and becomes happy again. Sometimes referred to as the black moment.)
Outcome: __________________________
(What does your protagonist get in the end? Might not be what she wants. Scarlett wanted Ashley for like eleven thousand pages, but in the end, she wanted Rhett.)
If you have questions about particular items on this list, fire away in the comments. But save your list for later. We don't need your answers just yet. Only you need them now.
Theresa
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Getting Ready for April's Pitching Clinic
We're going to do a pitching clinic in April. To get ready for this, some of you might want to take a look at what we did last year with practice pitching. As with all things on this blog, it happened more or less organically *cough*by accident*cough*. I posted a dusty old article of mine called Parsing and Pitching, and several people used the method to try to create a pitch.
Then we broke five of them down. Each of these posts contains additional information about pitching.
Pitch #1 describes the physical aspects of pitching from my side of the table, including the arctic climates in pitching rooms and the way that the "speed dating" approach can impact how I hear what you say.
Pitch #2 used a difficult-to-pitch project to show why clarity is so important.
Pitch #3 expanded on the concept of clarity by reassembling a pitch to make it easier to hear.
Pitch #4 was a pop quiz. We let the commenters try their hand at receiving the pitch and thinking about what questions they would ask the author during a live pitch.
Then we did a post about the nature and purpose of questions during a pitch.
And finally, Pitch #5 pulled it all together. Commenters gave a thumb up or down on a practice pitch, and were asked to identify the pitch detail that led to their decision.
In April, we will also take practice pitches, but we're going to start with a lesson in how to craft a log line pitch. Get your hooks ready, because fishing season is about to begin!
Theresa
Then we broke five of them down. Each of these posts contains additional information about pitching.
Pitch #1 describes the physical aspects of pitching from my side of the table, including the arctic climates in pitching rooms and the way that the "speed dating" approach can impact how I hear what you say.
Pitch #2 used a difficult-to-pitch project to show why clarity is so important.
Pitch #3 expanded on the concept of clarity by reassembling a pitch to make it easier to hear.
Pitch #4 was a pop quiz. We let the commenters try their hand at receiving the pitch and thinking about what questions they would ask the author during a live pitch.
Then we did a post about the nature and purpose of questions during a pitch.
And finally, Pitch #5 pulled it all together. Commenters gave a thumb up or down on a practice pitch, and were asked to identify the pitch detail that led to their decision.
In April, we will also take practice pitches, but we're going to start with a lesson in how to craft a log line pitch. Get your hooks ready, because fishing season is about to begin!
Theresa
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Pitch Party
Go here.
Really. It's fun.
Read the comment threads. And someone pass me a glass of water and wipe my forehead. Whew!
Theresa
Really. It's fun.
Read the comment threads. And someone pass me a glass of water and wipe my forehead. Whew!
Theresa
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