Sunday, May 24, 2009

Jeannie's log line, because she has my mother's name :)

Jeannie says:
I see you are starting up with the loglines. I have since changed my book. Here are the old log lines
To create his perfect mate, Lucifer not only must first turn a frustrated artist into a vampire, but must convince her to give up her false notions about him, vampires and the universe, or he faces rejection...again. Fallen from Grace, now fallen in love, Lucifer discovers turning a frustrated artist into a vampire is only the beginning of a journey that will lead him to confront a merciless God, insatiable vampires and ultimately his own feelings of rejection.
Here are the new ones:
Clues found in mysterious rituals and ancient writings show a frustrated artist she's the reincarnation of a divine spirit destined to redeem the original fallen angel and bring peace, but first she must survive the vampires who will do anything to stop her. Vampires hunt a woman mentioned throughout ancient writings who's destined to redeem the first fallen angel and bring peace.

Thanks for doing this.

Hi, Jeanie.I like the first one because it's personal, because it shows a character who has a goal and a conflict. And I happen to have always had a secret hankering for Lucifer (the legacy of a Catholic girlhood :), so my interest was quickened just like that!
The second one is interesting, but very distant. Notice that you start with an impersonal noun (Clues) and you also have the last line, the conflict line, start impersonally, with vampires, not either major character. I'd go with the first-- It's strong on character and also has the buzz of Lucifer, and that great line about "fallen". Personal = high stakes.

For either, I'd give the frustrated artist a name, and since "frustrated" sounds sort of trivial, I'd go with a stronger, more conflict-filled adjective, like "Annie, a despairing artist/a failed artist/ a disillusioned artist...." Heck, I'm a frustrated artist. That is truly not as cool as a fallen angel. :)

Which do you like best?



Jeanne Ryan said...

I like the first ones too. I've been working on them for months and your process helped me nail them.

Unfortunately, the focus of the book has changed. Like the Da Vinci Code, a series of clues shows the heroine who she is, but unlike it, her identity has a purpose. Like Dracula, she's a reincarnated spirit who will redeem the vampire, in this case, Lucifer.

My biggest problem with the second set is the heroine comes across too passive. I realized this the day after I sent it.

Nine years after quitting her job at the World Trade Center five days before 9/11, highly intuitive artist Janet O'Malley continues to struggle with why she was spared, when a mysterious stranger shows her ancient clues to help her discover she's a reincarnated spirit destined to redeem Lucifer, but first she must give up everything, even her own humanity, and outwit a pack of fallen angels who are now vampires and will do anything to stop her.

It's too long, but I'm not sure what to leave out

Thanks for your help

Edittorrent said...

Do it as two sentences. Please. :)

Nine years after/five days before...

Too much detail. How about
Jasmine dodged death on 9/11, and she doesn't know why she was spared. The intuitive artist...
Or something like that. You don't have to tell everything. At the same time, "mysterious stranger" is a cliche and tells nothing much. Who is it? if the identity isn't important, go with her finding out -- don't mention how.

Simplify, simplify, simplify. And go with two sentences!

Unknown said...

I agree with Alicia. We don't need to know such specifics, like nine years. I will say that it sounds very interesting.:)

Riley Murphy said...

Hi Jeannie!

I'm going to give your log line a go. I like the bad guys that get a second chance and how much ‘badder’ can you get, than Lucifer?:)

Historic clues are uncovered in mystical writings that show a disillusioned artist that she’s the reincarnation of an ancient spirit who is predestined to redeem the original fallen angel and bring peace to his tortured soul, but to accomplish this she must battle dark forces that will do anything in their twisted power to stop her.

I wanted to use the term predestined because she discovers this from the ancient writings, right? So, it was something determined centuries ago. I liked Alicia’s idea about disillusioned - as I picture this woman not currently happy with her life because she doesn’t understand it - until she uncovers the truth of her destiny.

I did look at the other log line - the 9/11 one. If you go with that I would think about the use of the term intuitive after stating she doesn’t know why she was spared. If she is that ‘in tune’ wouldn’t she know it was her intuition that saved her?

In any case, hoped this gives you some ideas - or inspires someone else to hop on here and see what they can come up with.:)

Good luck!

Jeanne Ryan said...

I like using 2 sentences much better.

Janie's intuition helped her dodge death on 9/11, but she feels there must be a reason she was spared. Lucifer, in the guise of a grad student, shows her ancient clues to reveal her destiny--to bring world peace and redeem him--but she must give up everything and outwit fallen angel vampires.


Riley Murphy said...

Much more focused. Good job!


Unknown said...

I've just discovered this fantastic blog!

And, Jeanne, the last log line rocks. I'm intrigued. I want to know more. I'd buy it!