Monday, May 25, 2009

Rasheeda's log line

Rasheeda's line:

When psychic with a conscience Jasmine Winters warns her worst enemy of an impending serial killer attack, she learns that killer may be closer than she thinks and now he's after her.
OR Psychic Jasmine Winters is about to find out which is harder: saving her worst enemy from a serial killer; learning someone she loves might be that serial killer; or finding out she's a target of that killer.

I like the second one because I like that list (though you need commas, not semicolons, in the list). And I'd maybe go with a dash for a pause before the last one, just so there's that breath of finality.

Psychic Jasmine Winters is about to find out which is harder: saving her worst enemy from a serial killer, learning someone she loves might be that serial killer-- or finding out she's a target of that killer.

Just a couple thoughts: I like "psychic with a conscience" and if you go with the second line, I'd use that before her name. And consider putting in some action-- you have "is about to find out," but that's pretty passive. Is about to discover might be stronger. Must discover? You have "Find out" twice in the sentence, and you don't want that.

And think about definite articles -- "a target" is indefinite, sort of formless. THE target sounds more focused, more critical. (And yeah, maybe he's got more than one target. Who cares? She's still THE target. Don't water down the danger.:)

Anyway, I do like that list! Think about strengthening the first part of that line. Does she find out through her psychic ability? Or some other way? You could add on something to the beginning, like "The crystal ball is telling Jasmine ..."

Again, experiment, and aim for precision and focus. But I do like the list! I think it's clever and sets up her conflicts in an intriguing way.


B.E. Sanderson said...

The book sounds very interesting. I like the second line better. My own tweaks would be to find a different way to word the end of each key element. Right now they all end with 'killer' and while it does provide a certain literary device (which I can think of the name for right now), it's distracting for me. Try something like:

Psychic Jasmine Winters is about to find out which is harder: saving her worst enemy from a serial killer, learning the murderer might be someone she loves -- or discovering she's his next target.

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Edittorrent said...

I like the way you present that list, BE.

Riley Murphy said...

I like the list idea too. But I wanted to shuffle around the order - if we’re going from hard to harder.

Psychic with a conscience, Jasmine Winters, is about to find out which is harder: saving her worst enemy from a serial killer, learning she’s his next target –or discovering this murderer might be someone she loves.

In this order it makes the first one tough, the second one shocking but the last, devastating.

em said...

Definately the second one and I like how it's been tweaked in comments:). I do tend to agree with Murph about the order but I'm not sure about worst enemy. How many dang enemies does this psychic have?

Edittorrent said...

Well, that's a question. Which is more devastating? That's what should go last-- you're right! And it's very interesting if discovering someone she loves might be a murderer is more devastating than being a target.

Riley Murphy said...

Hey no fair! I was thinking that she was a target anyway and then she founds out that the person targeting her was someone she loves...COME ON - there's a difference, right? If Mr. X was on the prowl to slay me (sorry I love that phrase) and then I found out Mr. X is really the love of my life Norbert Hedwig - how awful is that (besides the name, I mean)? And I'd be thinking it's easier to change being the target by getting to the bad guy first -- but heck, I'd never be able to change the love of my life from being the murderer... you see, totally devastating! And the hardest of the three to deal with.

Unknown said...

LOL, Murphy. Either way I should think you would be devastated.

Riley Murphy said...

Okay, so here’s the deal. Last night after reading Alicia’s comment (and giving it some serious contemplation.:)) I posted mine and then I packed it in for the night. And there I am still thinking about it as I climb into bed. So I say to the husband:

“Hey, what would be more devastating to you? Finding out you were the next target of a serial killer or that someone you loved was the serial killer?”

Now you gotta picture this. He laying there on his back, eyes closed and completely relaxed when he sighs, (the bizarre nature of the question doesn’t even phase him) before he replies, “Not more, just devastated.”

I’m thinking what kind of a lame answer is this? “No, seriously, which would be harder to accept?”

He shrugs, “The situation would make you have to accept the order. If you found out that someone you loved was a serial killer wouldn’t they have to kill you to keep you silent? Why else would someone you loved target you?”

Okay....can you hear the crickets chirping while I stupidly blink up at the ceiling? And then that sick feeling starts to descend when I realize that he is right. Man, I hate when that happens! :D So, I stand corrected. In my defense however, I will say that I was thinking about the bigger picture. If the stranger serial killer got caught, my life would go back to normal the way I like it – but if the discovered murderer was someone I loved, my life would never be the same again.

When I explained all this my husband he rolled over and grumbled sleepily, “Yeah, well if I were the serial killer I’d have to kill you before you found out, otherwise I’d be the dead one.”

And you know....? I'm thinking that makes a good point too.;)

em said...

ROTFL Murphy!:)

Unknown said...

Brilliant Murph, I can just see it. I bet you didn't tell him he was right.;)