Here's a handy submissions tip.
Don't pretend to be your own agent.
We've seen a rash of this lately, and there are frequent tells, including using the same email account or phone number for the "agent" and the author. Or creating a phony web url for the "agency." Or the "agent" who pitches the work and invites us to contact the author directly to close the deal.
(sigh)
Theresa
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I just have to say this: people's stupidity never ceases to amaze me. I can't believe even ONE person would do this, let alone a whole bunch of them.
Why not just skip you altogether, publish it yourself and sell it to bookstores? Under a fake name, of course.
You know who did this (sort of)? Clive Cussler invented an imaginary film studio dude who "came across a script he thought would work better as a novel."
Okay, is fuckery even a word? Hmm...if it were, I'm thinking it would mean a place to go and get fucked. Hey, now that I think about it? It is a word - because all that went there soon got fucked for life by Theresa - when she speedily rejected their asses and made note of it...well, at least that's what their telling their family right about now.:D
News flash, people! DON'T PISS THERESA OFF - SHE DOESN'T TAKE PRISONERS!!!!!
Signed,
Murray (agent to Murphy as she’s busy right now) Theresa, Murray here - I just thought I’d mention this. Murphy and I have to share the same email address - because hers was hacked by some really mean people who were trying to steal her most ingenious new story. Hey, want to read it? I'm good with 10% - I'll share the other 5% with you under the table if you buy it. Call me! ;;) Oh yeah, and about that? They got into her phone account too, so I magnanimously decided to share my number with her. If she answers don’t be alarmed - I’ll be in the same room with her, but I’ll probably have a cold. We’re actually attached at the hip! Promise. Thanks! :D
Why would you do that especially in the case of publishers who take unagented submissions?
I'm shocked. I like how Murphy put it. She really should do that blog on how to write comedy. IMHO :D
**making notes furiously to not piss Theresa off and add Murphy to list as well...
@Theresa and Murphy: ROTFLMAO!!!
Ditto what Lenona said!:)
I'm not pissed off. I'm extra-salty and slightly seussian. ;)
Theresa
Dear Murray,
Let's meet for drinks and you can pitch it in person. Have your author join us at about the 15-minute mark.
Smooches,
T
Whoa! What a word! You got me at the title. I may have to cover my eyes for the rest.
Jordan, I thought of that too-- Clive Cussler! That was a funny story. :)
A
Hi T, Murray here. That's a great idea. I'd have to confer with my client first and between you and me, she's a little on the shy side. Maybe too shy to meet us. Don’t worry though, I'll try hard to get her to agree to the meeting -- but hey, about that? If she does come for drinks? Don't be surprised if she turns up wearing a full burka...she’s really into doing the research for her next book. That’s one of the things I love about her - she’s so dedicated and resourceful too.:D
Until then...
Murp...I ah, mean, Murray.
Hi Jordan! Murphy, um, told me to say hello for her.
You guys are too much!:) Thanks for the laugh.
Murray, could you give me a call? You sound like just the agent I need. LOL!
So, I was sharing this with my hubby and friends and they have a question: Is the fuckery the opposite of the nunnery? Hmmm...
Yeah they were guys that could probably write a smashing mantasy LOL
Hey, uh, Murray, I'm looking for an agent willing to overlook my many flaws and do all my work for me as I'm REAL shy and maybe you could do the book signings too?
That's absurd!
Makes you wonder what other identities these people have for themselves.
Hope there's a few merciless draconian overlords in there to spank their bottoms when it all goes tits up.
Oh, how boring life would be if I didn't visit the comments of Edittorrent!
Murray, can you intimate to Murphy it really would be unparalleled for her career if she wrote a post for Theresa and Alicia on how to slip in comedy ;)
I cannot believe folk are so stupid. It would never cross my mind to do such a thing.
I can’t believe that Murray hijacked my comment spot! And not very well, either...
And I quote: I'm extra-salty and slightly seussian.
Man what an intro! Murray snooze you lose! Sheesh! So, on the heels of this great intro - is my Ode To ‘T’ The quasi Seussarian:D
Working Title: WTF in Publishing
Fakery - Fuckery,
What can I say?
People work hard to screw up my day.
There’s the agent who lies,
The author that denies -
with me in the middle all knowing and wise.:D
Fakery, fuckery what can I say?
If you pull it on me - I’ll fuck up YOUR day!
P.S: Theresa, I’ll do the meeting - and yes I’ll be wearing a burka, but so will Murray...my agent is very supportive that way. You don’t mind, right? And, um, you don’t suppose the establishment we’re meeting at will have a problem serving long straws for our dirty martinis, do ya? I really prefer the twisty ones - but for this - I’ll make an exception and not be a prima donna! If it has to be a straight two foot straw up my burka - I’ll manage somehow.:D
Murphy
Murph, you owe me some dry cleaning money! I just spewed my coffee all over my desk and skirt, thanks!;) The women in my office liked your poem.:) They said you could crash our office Christmas party if you wanted to.:) We'll be sure to have twisty straws for you. lol!
Amazing! What are people thinking?
Okay em and babs, say it with me now for the comedy post...
MURPHY MURPHY MURPHY MURPHY MURPHY
**STOMP FEET AND CLAP**
wv desco = Murray's disco
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