I have trouble writing it when a character enters a room, and is supposed to delay before noticing something (like another person). You know, Mary enters the dining room, and she doesn't immediately notice her ex-husband there among the other diners. I can never make it plausible that she wouldn't notice right away. (Need to put things in the way-- distractions, etc.)
Also I have trouble with getting the character to do something minor while something else more important is happening. Like I had a character coming out of a store, and she's thinking about the interaction, and carrying the object she bought. And then, you know, two lines later she's parking the car. Ooops! She has to get in the car, but really, that's not important enough to have the actions narrated and I don't want to give it too much focus.
I flipped it over to see the little key. Slowly I walked out, turning the box this way and that. Something metallic rattled inside, but I waited until I was in a safer area before I pulled over into a McDonald's parking lot and unlocked the box.
Here's what I did, hoping to sneak it in there.
I flipped it over to see the little key. Slowly I walked out to my car, turning the box this way and that. Something metallic rattled inside, but I waited until I was in a safer area before I pulled over into a McDonald's parking lot and unlocked the box.
Anyway, what's hard for you? What's a difficult sort of little narrative task for you, and how have you done it?
Alicia
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6 comments:
What struck me in this _particular_ instance was that the supermarket lot seems as safe as McD, so I'd expect another beat - character is intrigued, drives off, gets overwhelmed by curiousity, and pulls over again.
Otherwise I think it's a brilliant fix because it provides grounding without distraction.
I'd say right now grounding is the thing I struggle wih most. In any new setting, finding a sentence or two that sets the scene for the reader and brings it alive without paying too much attention to it.
You could also say she set it on the passenger seat when she got to the car and waited until...
In my case, I have a hard time when I want to portray that my character is thinking things through. My husband pointed out to me the many times I have my character "ordering her thoughts." I've been slashing that expression and trying to describe the actual thoughts instead. It's starting to sound much better.
My most difficult part is getting from one place to another without putting to much into the move. Your example of getting from the door to the car, or my character leaving the house and going to the restaurant.
POV is still giving me trouble at times. I'll have just a few sentences in a different POV. Thoughts I need but have to change.
I think green_knight nailed it. The whole thing seems a little rushed. This mystery box seems a great opportunity for a little suspense. Take a few sentences wondering what's inside, and make the reader wonder, too. What makes the current area feel unsafe? There seems to be plenty hinted at here to talk about.
And with a couple extra sentences, little grounding details can be slipped in without shifting the emphasis off what's important.
I like Patchi's "passenger seat" suggestion as well. It's more vivid and specific than "my car".
I would've changed two words, substituting "I waited until I drove to a safer area." But that's not why I'm here. Evil red pen DM'd me his blog link just as I was writing my second post in a series to encourage people to hire professional editors. Now you and he are both in my post and followed on twitter.
BTW, I removed my captcha's and the spam comments never get farther than my email spam box, never onto my blog. I have trouble reading captchas, especially if I'm using a phone to read blogs.
Thanks!
Gk, yes "grounding" is a good term there. I have trouble with that too. I have trouble with any narration, I think.
Patchi, I call it "sitting and thinking." But I actually stop and "order my thoughts," so I'm in symp with your character.
Stephanie, yes! MOVING! It's so hard! How close do you narrate that?
Sher, I'm not good at reading captchas, or maybe it's that I'm a bad typist. Groan.
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