Here are my two. You are welcome to use my name. In my case, Monster Mash is very appropriate!
1. When a celebrity assassin discovers the existence of a deadly weapon from the past, he has to dodge magic, B-movie monsters, and paparazzi to stop an assassination.
2. When a celebrity assassin discovers a map painted in magic in a painting, he is plunged into a desperate search for a weapon that could destroy his country.
Thank you very much for posting the original list. J It turned out that thinking about a couple of the elements helped me figure out a better ending for the book.
Linda Adams
Well, I'm obviously a sucker for odd things, but I immediately perked up with the first one because it had B-movie monsters and papparazzi. The second is serviceable but didn't fire any jets for me.
The term "celebrity assassin" was confusing-- that's one of those glitches in English, where you're not sure whether the first is a modifier (a famous assassin), or part of the noun (an assassin of celebrities). Either way, the question is-- if he's an assassin, why would he work so hard to prevent an assassination? I'm assuming he has a reason. So why not say? ...to stop the assassination of his favorite porn star? to stop the assassination of the movie producer who expressed interest in his screenplay? The goal needs motivation. Why does he want to accomplish this?
The second one has more motivation (though fewer Alicia-inciting buzzwords)-- this weapon is going to destroy his country. (By assassinating someone? Who?) Actually, though the stakes are clearly higher-- destruction of a country vs. an assassination-- killing a person FEELS more stakey than ho-hum, another country destroyed (it's actually very, very hard to destroy a country, after all, and takes so long). Maybe if you make it clear who is to be assassinated, you can give a sense of the danger to the country?
Experiment, and let's see. :)
Alicia
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8 comments:
Hmmm....I took this a different way. I kind of got the idea that the assassin was a celebrity. Like, Hugh Jackman by day and assassin by night - type of a deal...but as Alicia points out it needs to be a little clearer. Makes for an interesting premise though, a celebrity assassin would have a hard time getting away with taking out the bad guys if the papparazzi were always following him. Dodging B movie monsters makes me think of Scooby Doo:)...regardless of who the assassin is, I would probably change the phrase: stop an assassination to stop a plot to: kill (whomever)or destroy (whatever), instead.
Celebrity assassin? That makes no sense. In the first line you use assassin and assassination and in the second you use painted and painting. It just sounds wrong.
Murphy, is everything a good premise to you?
Linda,
I like the premise as well:). I just think that it needs to be clearer about the assassin part. Is Murph, right about a celebrity secretly hiding his career as an assassin?
** Is Murph, right about a celebrity secretly hiding his career as an assassin? **
Everyone knows he's an assassin and part of an order of assassins. But the order has been deemed as irrevelent by modern society, believing there is no longer a need for them (magic no longer exists). No one believes he's actually killed anyone (in this case, people who have picked up cursed magic objects and have turned into monsters).
But they're quite happy to believe that he's having an affair with the Empress. It's made him a celebrity--people ask him for his autograph; have fan clubs for him; write blogs about him; and he is attacked by fans. He's least likely to be an assassin in the eyes of the public and is viewed as a fluffball, and yet, he's on the front lines of monster bashing.
Okay, totally not what I was thinking:) (I love surprises) - although the mention of magic did have me wondering. So, question. Could you say the Empress’s celebrated assassin? That way it would be understood immediately, that there are (have been) other assassins and this is not only acceptable in the world you are writing about but, maybe it’s even a prestigious thing as well? Maybe adding the ‘Empress’ tag would highlight why he is a celebrity as opposed to the others of the defunct order.
When the Empress’s celebrated (or celebrity) assassin discovers the existence of a deadly weapon from the past, he must dodge ancient magic, B-movie monsters, and the paparazzi to recover it before it's used to destroy his country.
Linda: What a great PREMISE! The best of luck with it.
Hey Anon, **waves**:D
I do like how Murph, mixed the two - but is there anyway to get the painting with map in this?
After the Empress's celebrity assassin discovers a deadly weapon from the past hidden in the brush strokes of a painting, he must
dodge magic, B-movie monsters, the paparazzi and recover it, before its used to destroy his country.
I liked the part about the painting - but I REALLY liked the b-movie and paparazzi inclusion as these words give you such a great visual. It's all good stuff but I can appreciate where Linda is trying to keep it simple and clean.
I'm not sure you can fit this into the logline, but I'd like to know more about how this deadly weapon is going to destroy his country. In part this is because "deadly weapon" strikes me as a weak cliche (what's the point of a weapon if not to be deadly?) and I'm wondering if there's a more specific phrase you can use without taking up more space or adding confusion.
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