I see you are starting up with the loglines. I have since changed my book. Here are the old log lines
To create his perfect mate, Lucifer not only must first turn a frustrated artist into a vampire, but must convince her to give up her false notions about him, vampires and the universe, or he faces rejection...again. Fallen from Grace, now fallen in love, Lucifer discovers turning a frustrated artist into a vampire is only the beginning of a journey that will lead him to confront a merciless God, insatiable vampires and ultimately his own feelings of rejection.
Here are the new ones:
Clues found in mysterious rituals and ancient writings show a frustrated artist she's the reincarnation of a divine spirit destined to redeem the original fallen angel and bring peace, but first she must survive the vampires who will do anything to stop her. Vampires hunt a woman mentioned throughout ancient writings who's destined to redeem the first fallen angel and bring peace.
Thanks for doing this.
Hi, Jeanie.I like the first one because it's personal, because it shows a character who has a goal and a conflict. And I happen to have always had a secret hankering for Lucifer (the legacy of a Catholic girlhood :), so my interest was quickened just like that!
The second one is interesting, but very distant. Notice that you start with an impersonal noun (Clues) and you also have the last line, the conflict line, start impersonally, with vampires, not either major character. I'd go with the first-- It's strong on character and also has the buzz of Lucifer, and that great line about "fallen". Personal = high stakes.
For either, I'd give the frustrated artist a name, and since "frustrated" sounds sort of trivial, I'd go with a stronger, more conflict-filled adjective, like "Annie, a despairing artist/a failed artist/ a disillusioned artist...." Heck, I'm a frustrated artist. That is truly not as cool as a fallen angel. :)
Which do you like best?