chris's question-

Chris's question (and sorry about all the formatting problems-- I can't get them fixed!):

Dear Edittorrent,

I was hoping that you might be able to analyze my opening and help me with the use of 'had.' I like this opening, but it feels clunky and I can't pinpoint why...

It's for an MG.

I'm very grateful for any help, whenever you have a chance...

Thanks!!

:-)

Chris

“How many times have I told you-stay away from the corpses!” Mr. Pasternak stood behind Seth, his arms crossed over his chest.

Seth hadn’t heard his father enter the freezer. He was too busy zipping and unzipping body bags, looking for somebody whose nose was bigger than Morie Sorenson’s. He’d been looking for three years. He wished he would’ve taken a picture of Morie’s nose while he’d had the chance. His memory of it was beginning to fade.

“But Dad, nobody cares.” Seth motioned to the rows of dead bodies on both sides of him. “Except maybe Mrs. Heffinger.” Seth smiled and patted her on the head. “She likes me.”


Well, I like it pretty much. It's a cute opening. Just a couple thoughts-- This is maybe what feels clunky:
“How many times have I told you-stay away from the corpses!” Mr. Pasternak stood behind Seth, his arms crossed over his chest.

Of course, many times I've argued against starting with a line of dialogue, and this is an example of a clever line that might work as a hook, but ends up clunking. Why? Well, whose point of view are you in? Mr P's? No one's? Seth's? Or maybe omniscient?

We don't have a clue, so the tag there (Mr. Pasternak...) that tells us presumably who said this clunks. Let's say it's omniscient-- omniscient is good at setting the scene, telling where we are, etc. We don't have any of that. So it's probably not omniscient ("The freezer was dark and cold and the corpses ....").

It's probably not Mr. P's, because we pretty quick go into Seth's mind.

So it's probably Seth's POV, but notice that while you're pretty deep into his head the rest of the passage, that first line is nowhere, and confusing besides. Mr. P is his father-- Seth wouldn't call him Mr. Pasternak, would he? Plus if Mr. P is standing BEHIND him, Seth couldn't see that he's got his arms crossed.

Put us in Seth's body as well as his mind. Here's this sudden demand:

“How many times have I told you-stay away from the corpses!”
What does Seth do? Spin around? And how does he feel? Guilty? Scared? Amused? Don't wait until you fill in what he used to be doing-- establish the Right Now. If you don't want to establish the Right Now, then start farther back, when he's getting started examining the corpses.

But I know you want to start with that line of dialogue, and I guess it's pretty clever. So how can you do that, park the POV in Seth's mind, AND establish the Right Now before telling what he was doing?

I'd suggest start with the line. And then BE IN SETH'S BODY. DO SETH.

“How many times have I told you-stay away from the corpses!”
At this sudden demand, Seth spun around and saw his father there in the opening of the freezer, arms crossed over chest.

Now what? Think about whether it would be better to have Seth answer him (No one minds) first, and then backtrack to think about what he'd been doing. Why? Because a question (or demand) needs an answer, and if you postpone that, the reader gets antsy. Let's try it, just to experiment, and you decide if you've lost anything by rearranging:

“How many times have I told you-stay away from the corpses!”
Seth hadn’t heard his father enter the freezer, but at this sudden demand, Seth spun around and saw his father there in the opening of the freezer, arms crossed over chest.
He recovered quickly. “But Dad, nobody cares.” Seth motioned to the rows of dead bodies on both sides of him. “Except maybe Mrs. Heffinger.” Seth smiled and patted her on the head. “She likes me.”

He couldn't tell Dad the truth, that he'd been busy zipping and unzipping body bags, looking for somebody whose nose was bigger than Morie Sorenson’s. He’d been looking for three years. He wished he would’ve taken a picture of Morie’s nose while he’d had the chance. His memory of it was beginning to fade.

I don't know-- see what you think. But I would say the one real problem I see is that second sentence, where you have Mr. Pasternak. It messes up your POV approach and is going to confuse the reader. Begin as you mean to go on here-- if this is Seth's book, from the start, put us inside Seth. Try it and see if it feels better to you.

Good luck!
Alicia