Another one!
Hi. Here are my two loglines for my dark fantasy: 1. An innocent boy and his emotionless protector struggle for survival when a powerful demon becomes interested in the boy's destiny.
2. An innocent boy is caught in a violent tug-a-war between humans and demons when both sides believes he is their prophesized messiah.
Thank you. - Amber (you may use my name)
I like the second one more because I like the "tug-of-war"-- that so precisely describes what's happening. Notice though that you have "both"(plural) with "believes" (singular). "Each" might actually be better.
Is "prophesized" the word? Prophesied?
You're really using conflict words here-- tug of war, violent, between. That's good-- it's kind of bristly.
Alicia
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4 comments:
I like the second one better, too. I think it has real potential but I think it still needs something. I don't know enough about the story to tell you what, though, and maybe that's the problem itself.
When humans and demons both believe an innocent boy is the messiah from their prophesies, he's caught in a violent tug-a-war that... :insert stakes here:
Maybe something like 'threatens to tear his world apart' or 'will rip apart the seams of reality' or whatever urgent crisis this brings.
You might also want to show how this boy is innocent. Is he very young? Has he led a sheltered life? Was he studying for the priesthood? Perhaps word it like "When humans and demons both believe 6-yr old Max is their messiah..."
Hope that helps. =o)
I lean toward the 2nd one as well. I like B.E.'s suggestion above about rearraging the order so you can squeak in the stakes there at the end. Very clever.
JT
I liked the second one. I liked how Amber started with the innocent boy first.:)
I'm intrigued by the setup, but I need a sense of the characters. "Innocent boy" doesn't do it for me -- is he the hero? If so, what does he have to do to extricate himself from the tug-of-war?
I think the problem is I associate "innocent" with "passive," and nothing here is giving me a sense of whose struggle I'm going to be following.
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