Opening sentences-- Keri

Thank you again to our contributors. Please let us know if you have contributed an opening and now don't think this sort of deconstruction would be helpful to you so we can take it out of the queue- and it would be great if you could let us know -before- we spend the time working on it. :)

Keri, hope this is helpful to you, because it's already done!

Keri posted:
The last time I went on a hayride I had hay in places I could only see with a mirror. And don't even get me started on the rashes. I refused to go through that itching experience again. But then Jared bumped me in the arm and smiled as he walked toward the hay were Barbara, the biggest floozy in town, patted a space at her side.

I survived the dead grass last time, I could do it again. Tucking my shirt in, I headed that way.

A hayride promises an active scene-- that's a good example of a setting choice that invites action.

Okay, again, tense issues for me. Since most writers are writing in "literary past"-- that is, the convention is that narratives are told in the past tense-- a -real- past event-- something that happens before the time of the story-- needs more marking than just past tense. So "the last time" is one indication of "pastness," but then we have "I had hay in places I could see only with a mirror." How can you make clear (and it won't take much) that she didn't have hay in places when she WENT on the hayride, but as a result of the hayride?

Try "I ended up with hay in places..." to show that the hay-in-places is in a different time than the "went on hayride". Then "the rashes the next day" will also show that you're talking about the results of the hayride, not the hayride itself.


I refused to go through that itching experience again.

Any idea what I'm going to say next? :) It's that word "refused," because -- keeping in mind that you're in literary past here-- the refusing could be after the first hayride, or in the minute before she actually accepted. I suspect you mean:
After that, I refused

That is, the "After that" is that marker of a past event before the time of the scene.

Now "itching experience" stopped me. I guess "itchy experience" sounds more colloquial. Also "itching," being a participal, indicates a contemporaneous action... so what's the experience? The hayride? Or the aftermath of the hayride? Itch-producing experience, awkward as it is, probably most closely represents the hayride. So I don't know exactly how to fix that, other than to be direct-- "After that, I refused to go on hayrides." Or "After that, I spared my delicate places by refusing ..."

But then Jared bumped me in the arm and smiled as he walked toward the hay were Barbara, the biggest floozy in town, patted a space at her side.

I like the way this sets up a conflict between her former awowal and her current desire.

Bumped me in the arm and smiled as he walked toward-- watch your blocking there. "As" implies that all these happened at the same time, but if he's walking away from her, can she see him smiling? And "bumped me" doesn't make clear what body part does the bumping. I mean, you can bump with your hip (but unless he's as tall as Shaq, his hip probably can't bump her arm, can it? :), or you can bump with your elbow. Or? Not a big deal, except that the reader wants to visualize the action.
toward the hay were Barbara, the biggest floozy in town, patted a space at her side.

Toward the hay or haywagon? And see if you can sneak in more physical info -- patted the seat at her side? Patted the floor by her side? Watch for generic words-- space, time, thing, people-- and see about replacing them with sharper, more meaningful terms.

I survived the dead grass last time, I could do it again. Tucking my shirt in, I headed that way.

Just a little point here-- think about putting something in front of "last time," like "that last time," something that makes it clearer that she is referring to the last time mentioned in the first paragraph.

And again,, participles indicate simultaneous action, so "Tucking my shirt in" sounds like it's happening while she's heading that way. That's fine, as long as you don't mean "I tucked my shirt in and headed that way," which indicates sequential action.

One more thought-- "that way" is a bit unrevealing. Towards the wagon? Towards Jared?

Now I'm thinking this is a historical, because the hayride is a major form of entertainment apparently, and then of course there's the word "floozy". But the narrator tucks her "shirt" in. Hmm. Most women wore "blouses" in the past, but I am getting the sense of a tomboyish type who might wear men's clothes. And that's a very subtle way to convey that character aspect!
Alicia