But even within the paragraph, you want to make the progression as coherent as you can (usually). One aspect I notice (and edit) is time progression. There are three basic times, of course: Past, Present, Future. Unless I have a good reason to do otherwise, I think it's more logical to group the past together, and then progress forward in time (or the reverse). Mixing them up (like past-present-past) in the same paragraph might feel incoherent. (As always, your intent trumps. If you have a reason to mix it up, go for it-- this is if there's no prevailing logic otherwise.)
Let's see how that works. Here's a past-present-past paragraph:
When Danielle had gone to high school here, Pemberton was a factory town, with smokestacks smutting the horizon. Now as she parked the car, the sun set dramatically in the clear air. The factory had closed three years earlier. Danielle's father had worked there as a tool-and-die maker, until his lungs grew too congested and he moved to Arizona five years ago.
Notice that the first and third and fourth sentences are in the past, while the second is "now". Can we make that progressive (past to present, or present to past) yet still smooth, with the two "air" references together? I think I'd move the smutting reference a bit-- let's see.
When Danielle had gone to high school here, Pemberton was a factory town, with smokestacks smutting the horizon. Danielle's father had worked there as a tool-and-die maker, until his lungs grew too congested and he moved to Arizona five years ago. The factory had closed two years later. Now as she parked the car, the sun set dramatically in the clear air.
I could see that "present" starting too-- let's see:
As Danielle parked the car, the sun set dramatically in the clear air.When she had gone to high school here, Pemberton was a factory town, with smokestacks smutting the horizon. Danielle's father had worked there as a tool-and-die maker, until his lungs grew too congested and he moved to Arizona five years ago. The factory had closed two years later.
I don't know... but I do want to point out that usually, if you're going to use the name of the character and then replace it with a pronoun, put the name first, even if you've moved sentences around.
This is one of those editing experiences that seemed a lot more important before I started the blog post. :) But paragraphs can be incoherent in interesting ways, and fixing them is fun. Really!
Alicia
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5 comments:
I like the first version, with the now sentence at the end, because it highlights the clear air after we know about her father's lungs. In the second version, I don't know that the clear air is important until after I've passed it.
I would try framing the past events. Open in present, then present the past details chronologically, and conclude by coming back to the present.
I don't have much of a problem with the original. It would depend on the larger context and whether I'm just getting these few sentences of history (which illustrate change!) in a larger in-the-moment scene. I suppose you could put it more in the character's POV--make it clearer she's contrasting the sunset she sees right now with her memories of how different the place was.
Before I scrolled down to your examples, I first thought of moving the present sentence to the beginning - and I think I like that better - but I see how your first example works too. I'd probably decide based on the paragraphs before and after to see which way transitioned best.
What irritated me most about the paragraph was 'when she had gone to highschool, Pemberton was' because in my opinion it ought to be 'Pemberton had been' - those two things belong together, and she's neither at school nor is the town the same.
I can't say which of the two I prefer - the first one feels cleaner, but ends on a whimper, whereas the second - 'the factory had closed two years later' is a much stronger ending for the paragraph.
(Also allow me to point out that clean air makes for pretty unremarkable sunsets - it's the particles in the air that create great sunsets, so I'd look for something else to say 'now the air is clean' - view of distant mountains or deep breaths.)
GK, yes, smog does produce good sunsets. :) Everything I guess has a benefit. I think I was using that to indicate the time of day, but I could mention the diminished sunset.
A
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