ali's line editing

Ali:

Hi, here's mine:

Normally, Cass new better. Someone as powerful as a Rada Loa was a good someone to not piss off. She knew this. She did. It was just hard to keep control while swimming in the hangover fog.
The sting of slamming her hand against metal rose up from her palm and bled into her fingers and wrist. The Bronco showed a new dent in its side. Cass let Legba’s words sink into her aching head and took a step back to give him some space.

Normally, Cass new better.

Proofread. The occasional typo isn't going to make me say no, but might as well not give an editor the chance to reject.

"Normally"-- that might be the best word, and it's inoffensive, but I might try out "usually" or "generally". Normally implies this is an abnormal situation, which it might be.

Someone as powerful as a Rada Loa was a good someone to not piss off. She knew this. She did. It was just hard to keep control while swimming in the hangover fog.

That should probably be not to piss off, and not just because of the split infinitive. The sentence is a bit rhythmic, more "voice-y" if you know what I mean (if you don't, I mean it sounds like you have a voice, which is good, or at least the sentence has a nice attitude), and for some reason-- I've never been any good at poetic meter, so ignore me here-- the not to has a better rhythm that to not. It's probably actually the ellision of the hard consonant (t) that makes it flow, where "to not" has those two hard dentals-- hard to get a flow with those. And it does get rid of the split infinitive, which is NOT a big deal (it's one of those silly grammar rules that connect with Latin grammar, where infinitives are one word), but like ending on a preposition, splitting an infinitive should be avoided as much as you can, just because.

She knew this. She did.

Okay-- I kind of want "she did know this" just so the second is longer than the first, but there are reasons to do the opposite. Go with what sounds right to you.

It was just hard to keep control while swimming in the hangover fog.

Keep control of what? Of her temper? Of the situation? Add something anyway, first because we need to know what, but also because it'll lengthen the sentence, and that's good after two short ones. Also it sounds better, and I don't know why. Longer, better here. Rhythm. You're going for voice here, replicating the way her thoughts sound --- weary, pained-- so every sentence, I think, should be rhythmically right. Of course, my notion of rhythm might not be yours. (You know, "rhythm" looks funny-- all consonants. I know the "y" is a vowel here, but it still looks like a big nutty blob.)

The sting of slamming her hand against metal rose up from her palm and bled into her fingers and wrist. The Bronco showed a new dent in its side.

Where's your action? This is all reaction/effect. You're losing your tight viewpoint here. Be in her. Yeah, maybe if feels like it happened volitionlessly, her hand just rose up and impacted that metal (and I know impacted isn't a transitive verb, but heck, you know, there really isn't a good substitute, so I'm using, so there. Never let it be said I can't sin boldly sometimes). But don't get slack here. If in fact this happened without her intending-- show that. Show that hand acting on its own, and her feeling as she watches and feels it happen. You just had her think that she was finding it hard to maintain control, right? Well, here her hand is out of control. She should care.

Is it her car? Think about having her yank her hand back and stare at the new dent in the car. Get HER into it. The dent didn't just appear. She SAW it. Stay active. Stay in her. The deeper you are taking the narrative POV, the more you're promising the reader an internal and active/perceptive experience. Stick with it.

Alicia