Rachel line edits

‘You can’t go!’ cried her mother, not for the first, or the last, time.

‘Mother! Stop!’ She turned a look on her mother to silence her. Her usually beautiful face was taut with panic. ‘I have to go to Findlay. I can save him!’
‘And how will that look? A soldier everyone knows; a soldier on his deathbed; a soldier who has been declared by the King’s Imperial Guard to have the Grey Death!’ Her mother rushed to her a grabbed her by the shoulders, and lowered her voice to a horse, harsh whisper. ‘A soldier saved by the Earl’s eldest daughter.’ Her mother took a deep breath. ‘The King’s herald will race to denounce you for your Myght.


Theresa refers to exclamation points and the like as "bling punctuation"-- and you don't need much of it if you have strong enough prose. So let's start by eliminating the ! .
‘You can’t go,’ cried her mother, not for the first, or the last, time.

‘Mother, stop.’ She turned a look on her mother to silence her. Her usually beautiful face was taut with panic. ‘I have to go to Findlay. I can save him.’

Now we can see better!

First-- and there's nothing wrong with this, but I want to point it out, because it's something I miss seeing-- notice the inverted quote tag (cried her mother, rather than her mother cried). I like that. You used to see that a lot. It gives a nice formal feeling to the prose. Not that it should be used much anymore, because it doesn't feel contemporary, but I like it. (There goes Alicia, getting all nostalgic about quote tags.)

Now you have "Mother, stop," but I don't see what Mom is supposed to stop doing?
Also-- you have two women here, so you have to watch out for pronouns. Who is "she?" Use names when possible. We don't know whose face is usually beautiful, for example.

‘And how will that look? A soldier everyone knows; a soldier on his deathbed; a soldier who has been declared by the King’s Imperial Guard to have the Grey Death!’
Your dialogue isn't matching up here. Mom says you can't go, daughter says stop. Daughter says, I'm going to save him, and Mom says and how will that look. See, the "call and response" aren't interlocking. It's like they're not really listening to each other. Try some echoing, some repetition from one line of dialogue to the next:
"You can't go." (etc)
"I have to go, Mother." (etc) "I have to save him."
"Save him? And how will that look?" (etc.-- Notice you have, too late in the paragraph, "A soldier saved...."

See how the dialogue locks together now? We actually do that. We pick up something the other has said, we finish sentences, we supply words, we echo. One key to plausible dialogue is hearing and replicating the rhythms of real conversations. Remember that your readers hear conversation every day, and they are subconsciously pretty expert at knowing what sounds real. So you have to become an expert at it too. Here's a post I did about the echo in dialogue.
Here's some nice echoing:
A soldier everyone knows; a soldier on his deathbed; a soldier who has been declared by the King’s Imperial Guard to have the Grey Death!’

Her mother rushed to her a grabbed her by the shoulders,
Proofread, proofread, proofread. Then proofread again. Try reading aloud. You can't rely entirely on spellcheck as it will not flag anything (like "a") which is a word of some kind.

and lowered her voice to a horse, harsh whisper.
More proofreading needed. I like the alliteration. The terms are redundant, sort of, but the alliteration and rhythm indicate the writer has some voice. :)

‘A soldier saved by the Earl’s eldest daughter.’ Her mother took a deep breath. ‘The King’s herald will race to denounce you for your Myght.

Now I'd be thinking that "saved" could be replaced with "healed" if she's a healer and she's going to heal him. That is, have the "saved" before that and the echo, and then the transformation, the narrowing to the real truth there. Always be looking for continuity but transformation-- what links together but also progresses to something new.
‘The King’s herald will race to denounce you for your Myght.'
This feels like too long a line. Not sure why, but it does. I'd suggest just
‘The King’s herald will denounce you for your Myght.'

Notice the British quotation convention there-- single quote marks. Go with whatever is conventional for the publisher you're submitting to. And alas, you can't rely on Find and Replace for this, as the single quote mark has another very common use-- the apostrophe.

Alicia