Ang's line edits

Ang said:

Norenn took in the smooth, white walls and the clean, oiled wood floors. The ceiling was high, adding to the grandeur of the simple fact of square footage. In a Scrape where most dwellings were little more than hovels with dirt floors, the High Major’s spacious home was a luxury bordering on sin. Norenn had traveled, and was no stranger to luxury, but the contrast wasn’t lost on her. Although she had been in finer homes than the High Major’s, she felt this home was the most extravagant she’d ever witnessed. Beside her, walking haltingly and uprightly, the High Major studied her expression with a mixture of pride and apprehension. The fact that these two things could exist simultaneously, and so poignantly, in a man of such importance, moved Norenn with an amused pity.

Norenn took in the smooth, white walls and the clean, oiled wood floors.

Notice that you have "adjective comma adjective" twice there, and the commas kind of mess up the flow. I don't think you need them. Usually color adjectives become sort of a unit with the noun ("white walls") and so no comma. With the second, well, if you can get by without the comma, do a Faulkner (he stacked adjectives a lot).

Norenn took in the smooth white walls and the clean oiled wood floors.

"Took in" might be a wasted opportunity. What's the action there? Did she turn her head? Did she stop to look? Maybe an emotion-embedded verb would help there. You do get emotion in the end of the paragraph, so might not need it here.

I'm thinking that what you're getting at here is that she's a visitor from somewhere wealthier, and she understands that in this place, his house is as fancy as it gets, and he's really proud of it, but it wouldn't be anything special (might even be sort of sad) back in her world. If so-- and I could be wrong here-- you might want to be a tiny bit more pointed in your adjectives there. That is, smooth white walls and clean floors -- that doesn't tell us much. There's a house a mile or so from me, which started out as just a regular middle class house in the neighborhood, but the owner started making money (the rumor is he owns a successful strip joint :). Instead of moving to a posher neighborhood, he bought the house next door (Theresa, you might remember this-- it's on Kessler just west of Emerson, can't miss it) and just kept ornamenting, with a second-story octagonal sunroom, glass everywhere, and nude statues over fountains. It's sort of a monster. I mean, it would look odd anywhere, but set down in the middle of a placid neighborhood, it looks like a 20-carat cubic zirconium ring. But everytime I pass, I feel what you mention at the end of the paragraph-- "amused pity." I think he's probably really, really proud of it. Anyway, don't waste your description on the generic. What about the walls would lend us to think of the house as what Norenn thinks of it? What about the floors? "Painfully clean," for example, adds that bit of striving that makes us sympathetic.

The ceiling was high, adding to the grandeur of the simple fact of square footage.
I don't know what that means?

In a Scrape where most dwellings were little more than hovels with dirt floors, the High Major’s spacious home was a luxury bordering on sin. Norenn had traveled, and was no stranger to luxury, but the contrast wasn’t lost on her.

I like "Scrape" as a term for village or town.

I have the sense that those sentences should be flipped, because you're putting effect (her conclusion about sin) before cause (her knowledge from travelling). Try it and see what you think:
Norenn had traveled, and was no stranger to luxury, but the contrast wasn’t lost on her. In a Scrape where most dwellings were little more than hovels with dirt floors, the High Major’s spacious home was a luxury bordering on sin.

Although she had been in finer homes than the High Major’s, she felt this home was the most extravagant she’d ever witnessed.
Okay, this seems (with the "sin" reference above) sort of disapproving. I might be wrong, but it sounds like she finds the contrast btween his house and those of his underlings immoralish. That's fine, but then you have:
Beside her, walking haltingly and uprightly, the High Major studied her expression with a mixture of pride and apprehension. The fact that these two things could exist simultaneously, and so poignantly, in a man of such importance, moved Norenn with an amused pity.

That sounds like she ends up sympathetic, not critical. That's fine too, but you might look at how you can telegraph that transition between negativish to positivish feelings -- I say "ish" because it's not like either of her responses is particularly extreme. But they are IN CONTRAST. There's a difference between the way she feels when she contemplates the hovels, and the way she feels at the end towards the High Major ("amused pity"). Such transitions acknowledge the shift in emotion or thought, so that the reader knows it's deliberate and doesn't think, "Huh? But she was just opposed to that, and now she's all for it." It's a way of making the POV progress (as the character thinks or experiences) without coming off as jagged or inconsistent. So even a little word like "then", showing that time has passed, can prepare the reader for the shift. Or you could go with something that shows that Norenn herself is surprised to find her emotion shifting. Maybe:

Then, beside her, walking haltingly and uprightly, the High Major studied her expression with a mixture of pride and apprehension. The fact that these two things could exist simultaneously, and so poignantly, in a man of such importance, moved Norenn with an unexpected and amused pity.

The "Then" doesn't yet work because there's maybe another revision needed to that line. (I should point out that this is how I'd edit my own work, knowing my own intentions here. But if if this came to me from a writer, and there was nothing in the passage that otherwise supported my sense that Norenn's emotions had undergone a change because she notices the High Major's sad little pride, I'd probably ask and see if that's what the writer had meant. If not-- if Norenn was not supposed to have shifted emotion-- I'd suggest a different set of revisions that would smooth that out, so that the reader isn't sent the wrong signal.)

Beside her, walking haltingly and uprightly, the High Major studied her expression with a mixture of pride and apprehension.
Okay, what can be improved here? First, if this is an old man (walking haltingly), can he walk and study her expression at the same time?

I like "uprightly".

Also if the progress of the paragraph is really towards the change in her emotion, you might start the sentence more with her--
Then she noticed the High Major walking beside her haltingly and uprightly, his expression a mix of pride and apprehension.
Well, that's sort of clunky. But it does make her viewpoint controlling there.

The fact that these two things could exist simultaneously, and so poignantly, in a man of such importance, moved Norenn with an amused pity.

"The fact that" is beyond clunky. I don't like it even in research papers, much less fiction. Always revise "the fact that" and "the reason that" and those legalistic phrases. And "things?" Whenever you use that word, if you're not talking about The Cat in the Hat (Thing 1 and Thing 2), find a better noun or write around whatever this "thing" is. What's the real subject here? What really moves her? And maybe you need a two-clause sentence or two sentences to do it. Or maybe just:
This moved Norenn with (to?) an amused pity.
"This" does what you wanted to do with "things"-- refer back to the mixture-- but it works better because this is what demonstrative pronouns (this, that, these, those) are supposed to do-- refer back.

I'm not sure of the preposition (with or to). Prepositions in English are often a bit confusing, with more than one working there but none working perfectly. Try reading aloud and figuring out which sounds right. Or do what I always do-- when in doubt, do without. There's some way to write that precisely as you mean without any preposition, probably.

Alicia