You know the feeling when you're talking to someone, and much later on, you think of a comeback to something they said? I've heard several writers say that they like writing because, while they’re drafting a scene, they can use the comeback no matter how long it takes to think of it. Trouble is, it doesn't always get added in the right place. This and other logic errors can contribute to dialogue flow problems.
Consider the following dialogue between a hero (Tex) and his mirror character (Rube):
“Bet you can’t wait to find out how wild that little filly is.” As Jane walked away, Rube leered at her, making Tex want to blindfold him with anything that might be handy. Like a fist. “And you’re just the man to break that horse.”
“Don’t talk about Jane like that.” Tex clenched his fists by his side.
“Wow, you must really like this one.” Rube raised his drink in a mock toast. “Sorry about that.”
“Anyway, we should be talking about the back forty, not about Jane.” Tex unclenched his fists. “When will you get to it?”
“Tuesday. Wednesday, if it rains.”
Rube could always be counted on to know exactly what the week’s schedule was. He was a good worker and a good friend. Tex was glad that Rube had apologized for talking about Jane that way. “She’s a lady, not a horse.” Tex knew he was pushing his point, but wanted to make sure Rube got it.
The progression in the dialogue doesn’t follow a smooth arc of action and emotion. For example:
* Presumably, Jane would walk away BEFORE Rube makes the filly comment.
* Tex’s thought about blindfolding Rube with his fist interrupts Rube’s dialogue, breaking the flow. Although often it’s a good idea to use action sentences like this in place of dialogue tags, the strategy backfires when the action sentence has more impact than the dialogue itself.
* Tex unclenches his fists and changes the subject, reminding himself that Rube is a good guy. But then Tex returns to Rube’s “filly” comment without any further prompt. Tex’s emotional arc jerks and skips as a result.
* In addition, “lady-horse” is a reaction to “filly,” not to a discussion of rain and the back forty. Having these comments separated by all those other ideas breaks the action-reaction sequence.
Here is an edited version of the dialogue sequence. Note that the sentences are identical and have only been rearranged.
As Jane walked away, Rube leered at her, making Tex want to blindfold him with anything that might be handy. Like a fist.
“Bet you can’t wait to find out how wild that little filly is,” Rube said. “And you’re just the man to break that horse.”
“Don’t talk about Jane like that.” Tex clenched his fists by his side.
“Wow, you must really like this one.”
“She’s a lady, not a horse.” Tex knew he was pushing his point, but wanted to make sure Rube got it.
Rube lifted his drink in a mock toast. “Sorry about that.”
Tex unclenched his fists. He was glad that Rube had apologized for talking about Jane that way. “Anyway, we should be talking about the back forty, not about Jane. When will you get to it?”
“Tuesday. Wednesday, if it rains.”
Rube could always be counted on to know exactly what the week’s schedule was. He was a good worker and a good friend.
See the difference?
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This is the second in the series of Redlines article reprints.
Read Redlines One Here.
Theresa
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4 comments:
I think that's how I'd have done it, given the chance. But I'd like to point out those last two sentences. They totally stop the flow of ... everything. Gah. Yuck.
Susan, I have to agree. They come across as heavy on the 'tell'. I suspect that they're supposed to convey that Tex is forgiving Rube, but it doesn't work for me.
Yeah, in fact, this was bugging me, as if I'd written it. Seems that the easiest fix, since we don't know where the story is headed, would be for Tex to say, "Why is it you're so good with the schedule and so crummy in how you treat your women?"
Something along those lines.
Oh, my. I might be inspired to play with scene. Ladies, may I?
Susan, my male instincts are telling me that Tex wouldn't say that immediately after the 'back forty' comment. Bringing women back up would be counter productive - he'd want to distract Rube from the object of his discomfort.
How about something like Tex clapping Rube on the shoulder and saying, "Damn, you sure keep up with that schedule! We better get to work so we don't blow it." Friendship and forgiveness conveyed in a very 'cowboy' manner, and Rube being led to forget about Jane and Tex's relationship, whatever it is.
Just a suggestion, of course. ;-)
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