Creating fake summary paper introductions for a class, and came across a "need to fix" sentence, or rather I wrote it.
The "On the Road" gallery displays in a glass case part of the 120-foot long paper scroll Kerouac used to type his story, and includes the old Olivetti typewriter he used to type it.
Okay, too much used to type! Quick fix to eliminate some of the redundancy:
The "On the Road" gallery displays in a glass case part of the 120-foot long paper scroll Kerouac used to type his story, and includes his old Olivetti typewriter.
Now generally I like to put the longest element in a list last, so I might revise to:
The "On the Road" gallery displays in a glass case Kerouac's old Olivetti typewriter and part of the 120-foot long paper scroll he used for the story.
Just another in a long series of fascinating glimpses into my motley career.
Oh, notice that whatever comes first, that's when I have "Kerouac's," and I have "his" second. That is, I identify the name and then replace it with the pronoun. I really wanted to end "scroll he typed the story on..." but you know that blamed preposition. I must fiddle some more.
Will even one student appreciate my obsessiveness? Probably not. I also don't like "displays in a glass case," but I need to get the glass case in there because, see, in this imaginary paper I'm not going to write (I'm just teaching introductions here), there's a whole section on the glass case. I must stay true to the imaginary paper!
I don't, however, have to put all this into one sentence. Must remember that. Pixels on the screen: Not so expensive as diamonds. Can waste them.