Point was to reinforce this guy's ruthlessness and recklessness, his continued defiance of authority.
So he answers:
"I'm not a boy anymore. Not so easy to kill. I do what I want and no one dares to interfere. I've outlasted them all. Even your commander, who has retired to the golf course."
Hmm. Got all the elements, the answer, the hidden threat, the bit of exposition (commander retired). But.. but it doesn't have much power. This is supposed to be a dangerous guy making a threat to the questioner (don't interfere), but it fizzles. Why?
Because it ends on the golf course.
If possible, paragraphs (especially speech paragraphs) should end on the note you want to leave in the reader's mind. So let's flip the sentences, so that golf course "no big deal" comes before the implied threat.
"I've outlasted them all. Even your commander, who has retired to the golf course. Anyway, I'm not a boy anymore. Not so easy to kill. I do what I want and no one dares to interfere."
Hmm. Now that I look at that, the most powerful and dangerous and threatening word in there is "kill". Can I revise to end on that? Let's see.
(Need one more revision pass so that there aren't so many short sentences... but maybe that's the way to convey that ruthlessness.)
I'm not sure that these little revisions matter all that much, one by one. But I think if we go into revision with the mindset of revising for power, for that jolt of extra precision, we will find many opportunities. And altogether, they will create more drama and meaning.
Alicia
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I'd suggest another revision. In each version, the "I'm not a boy anymore" phrase is followed by the "not so easy to kill." That seems natural enough, because that's what the paragraph started out emphasizing. However, there's another phrase (sentence) that also conveys the sense of defiance - "no one dares to interfere." Here's another way to progress through the paragraph: from boy to outlast to example (commander) to do-what-I-want (paragraph framed by contrast) to finale.
Thus: "I'm not a boy anymore. And I've outlasted them all. Even your commander, who has retired to the golf course. I do what I want and no one dares to interfere. Not so easy to kill."
Assuming the short sentences are ok.
That sounds good, and making the last sentence the shortest sentence, I think, adds more force.
A
Coming from a screenwriting point of view, I'm finding it a bit wordy for dialog. I'd compress it a bit and add a bit of snarly attitude: "Adult me isn't so easy to kill. I've outlasted them all--your commander included. So go ahead...try to interfere."
CJ, very aggressive! Sort of snarling. :)
Alicia,
I *do* think these revisions are important because they contribute to the general tone of the book, to what the reader will take away - and 'not so easy to kill' as the focal point has more power than 'the golfcourse'.
However I am finding it interesting that you're revising differently than I do. You seem to look at the words that are there, and rearrange them until they work best, disregarding what doesn't work until you're happy.
I'm working from a greater distance and am much more likely to write a new paragraph when one doesn't work; keeping only the core ideas, if that, so I'd ask myself what I want to convey with his answer. Do I want to convey that he's dangerous and might go after anyone who tries to have him assasinated? Do I want to say that everybody shed the sharp edges of youth and that they've got a gentleman's agreement - they leave him in peace and he lets them retire 'to the golfcourse'?
What's the core idea here? Right now, they all - and I'm counting five - seem to have equal weight, which packs the paragraph too much for my tastes.
I might end up with something like
I've outlasted those who tried to interfere. Your commander-" He steepled his hands and smiled benevolently, "-retired to the golf course. Besides, you will find that I am not so easy to kill."
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