Wednesday, September 29, 2010

An Open Letter to Snooki

Dear Snooki,

Romanceland was a-buzz today with the news that you'll be writing a romance novel. Because I have more experience than you at -- well, at just about everything that doesn't require antibiotics, but specifically, at this fine art of romance publishing, I would like to offer a few pointers. Spirit of friendship and cooperation and all. Welcome to the club.

First, it's important that the heroine is someone the reader can identify with. I know, "identify" is a big word not usually seen outside of police line-ups, so let me explain what that means. It means that the heroine behaves in a way which most women will find unobjectionable. No making out in hot tubs with random strange guys. Or girls. Or cute wine bottles with drawings on the labels that resemble lips. Of either the facial or nether variety.

Not that romance heroines are prudes, far from it, but they do tend to have beating hearts inside their bodies, and all parts tend to get involved in the romance. Not just the fun bits. So, yes, this means you'll have to discover other body parts besides hair and asses. Oh, look! A brain! Did you know such things existed?

This "identify" thing also usually means the heroine has a goal in life. This might be hard for you to grasp, but goals and accidents of fate are not the same. So, for example, when you fell down and landed in a reality show, this isn't quite the same as achieving a goal. It's more an accident of fate. Of the twelve-car pile-up variety. You know, the kind that most rational people really would rather not see, but then they cringe and look and hate themselves for looking. So here's a handy tip to help you figure out if your heroine has a good goal: if it makes the reader want to pour bleach on her eyeballs or whimper in a corner. it's probably not working.

And the hero? Oh, the hero. Brace yourself for a few shocks here, Snooki. Most romance heroes are intelligent guys. I know, right? What's the big deal about brains if he's got a six-pack and he's juiced? Well, funny thing, that. See, eventually the hero and heroine will be sober -- I know, I told you it would be shocking -- and they'll probably have something like a conversation. In this case, it helps if the hero has a vocabulary of more than 60 words. Ditto that for the heroine. (Please tell me you already have a vocabulary of more than 60 words. You're supposed to be writing a book, after all.)

So this sort of leads us to the plot. According to the press, your book will be a tale of "a girl looking for love on the boardwalk." Given your past exploits on the boardwalk, we take this to mean "a girl who falls off a bicycle while attempting to use a beer bong." Wow! We're in great shape here! You see, we already have the skeletal makings of a plot. The heroine's first goal could be to stay on the bicycle. And her next goal could be to figure out how to ride a bike and use a beer bong at the same time. And her third goal could be to join the circus.

Lookit that. You've got the whole plot thing in the bag already. Not that bag. Hide that bag. You don't want to get arrested again, sweetie. Once is enough -- more than enough, actually, for most heroine types.

No, really, put the bag away.

Yes, I know there are different kinds of bongs. I don't need the visual aides.

Really. Put the--

Oh, I give up. Have at it, and anything else you want, too. God knows it could hardly make your book any worse than we anticipate.

Love and ki--no, skip the kisses until you get that rash checked out.
Just plain old love,
Theresa

25 comments:

ann foxlee said...

omg, I think I just hurt myself laughing!

Kristin said...

Love, love, LOVE this! Theresa, you totally rock :)

Edittorrent said...

Oh, poor Snooki! You are presenting such a dire prospect. Both sober!!!
A

Jami Gold said...

OMG. Could I laugh any harder? Um, no, I think not.

Leona said...

You know how you see something-a name for example-out of context and you know its familiar but can't quite place it? That's what happened to me with JamiG's twitter. But I followed her link... LOL NOW I remember who Theresa is!

Bethany Michaels said...

Whenever I read that some quasi-celebrity like Snooki, Lauren Conrad or Pamela Anderson has landed a book deal, I just feel sorry for the ghostwriters who get stuck with those gigs. I'm sure the money is good, but I wonder how many times the real writer has to look at that check and all its zeros to not jump off the roof three pages in.

JewelTones said...

I'm ashamed of myself for even knowing who she is. Totally, utterly ashamed.

JT

Indigo said...

Hilarious as all get out. I agree with Jewel, it's embarrassing that I know who Snooki is. At the same time, you hit her personality on the nail. (Hugs)Indigo

Rachael Herron said...

HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Best.

Edittorrent said...

@Bethany - Yes, and do you think the ghost would ever put this on her CV? How could you even spin that? I can't fault anyone for making money at this game, but still.

T

Bethany Michaels said...

@Bethany - Yes, and do you think the ghost would ever put this on her CV?

+++

I wouldn't own it--I'd just cash the check and hit the bar!!

Elena said...

Haha! I wish I would have read this before blogging my own Snooki post today so I could have linked to it!

Edittorrent said...

@Leona, I can't find you on twitter. Follow me so I can follow back.
https://twitter.com/TheresaStevens

Jami Gold said...

Leona,

I'll cut you slack because I know real life has been busting your butt. Glad I was able to get a laugh into your day. :)

Jami Gold said...

Bethany,

Yes, I've thought about trying to get into the ghostwriting gig, but then I think of things like this. Um, no.

JewelTones,

Ha! I didn't have a clue who she was, and yes, I'm proud of that fact. (Had to Google her.) :)

Keena Kincaid said...

Oh, this is hilarious. I'm glad someone was able to put their reaction into printable words.

My non-writer friends are all saying, "wow, so it is easy to write a romance." Sigh.

Eva Gale said...

You know what I need in that book? A page of snookieisms.

"OMG, I feel like I'm a pilgrim from the 20's or something!"

And I want a written letter of apology from her teachers.

Anonymous said...

Well the silver lining is that there are snookie fans out there who may never have read a book otherwise.

So one book is better than none, right?

Edittorrent said...

By that logic, anon, we should pass out Penthouse magazines to junior high school boys. I mean, it would get them to read something. Better than nothing, right?

Well, on second thought, maybe not.

T

Jami Gold said...

Colleen Lindsay posted this Venn diagram of Snooki's reading demographic on Twitter: http://flic.kr/p/8FkR2G Hysterical!

Patty Blount said...

So, so gratifying to see I am not alone in my envy or snark.

Thank you for the biggest laugh I've had since hearing this heart-breaking news.

Snooki. Writing a book.

My world has lost all meaning.

Kelly Breakey said...

I am thinking her book of a girl finding love on the boardwalk won't include staying in a hotel that rents by the hour and leaving her "tip" on the nightstand right?

Melanie Atkins said...

LMAO! Do her fans read? Can they?

Laura Hamby said...

Oh dear Lawd, I laughed all the way from the beginning through all the comments.

I heard about this on the radio this morning, as I was taking my boys to school. The only thing I know about Snooki is how to spell her name with just an "i" at the end. I had to laugh because the morning show people were making fun of this (Go figure, huh? Who else would think to make fun of this?)...and the deejay had a great question...

"Do crayons have spell check?"

Grace Tyler said...

Oh. I hadn't thought of being envious. Thanks. I think I'll just slash my wrists now.