tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post7107417285288512267..comments2023-09-05T12:51:25.656-05:00Comments on edittorrent: Opening sentences-- KeriEdittorrenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-26697645861000433232008-03-06T15:52:00.000-06:002008-03-06T15:52:00.000-06:00This mostly works for me. I've got a strong sense ...This mostly works for me. I've got a strong sense of the character - she's a bit wussy, but no wimp, not *quite* at home on the farm, but could come to love it; and I've got a sense of where this is going - she's got to keep her man (or decide she doesn't want him); and find her place and comfort level. We also immediately have a hint of conflict - the floozy invites Jared, and he's quite happy to accept; so I wonder whether he's clueless, prone to playing around, and how strong their relationship really is. That's enough to keep me reading for a bit longer.<BR/><BR/>That said, I would like to see it tightened up a little - 'that itching experience' sounds a little convoluted to my ear; I'd want something more personal, more ideosynchratic. 'I headed that way' also is a little impersonal, a little too neutral, and I think I'd replace it with 'I followed him' or putting it in context with the wider surroundings - what season is this, who else is there, what's the occasion? And can you work any of them into this passage?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-82884883109774587782008-03-05T11:54:00.000-06:002008-03-05T11:54:00.000-06:00Alicia, your timing on posting this opening is per...Alicia, your timing on posting this opening is perfect! I'd written this opening when ya'll put a call out for it a while back and forgot all about. Just yesterday I was thinking of a contemp I wanted to start after finishing my WIP, this fits the characters I had in mind! And yes, it's the start of a romance<BR/><BR/>Hay rides are very popular in rural areas, especially during Halloween and Fall Festivels.<BR/><BR/>Wonderful tips to make improvements!Keri Fordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03342480359177235075noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-84364149707996668482008-03-05T09:35:00.000-06:002008-03-05T09:35:00.000-06:00Yes, we have hayrides in our small rural town in A...Yes, we have hayrides in our small rural town in Alberta, especially around Christmas and 'Beef and Barley' days.<BR/><BR/>I guess I identified with this because of it. I liked this opening because I could 'see' it, and I work with horses so could feel the prickling hay and experience the rashes.<BR/><BR/>What I 'got' from it was that I immediately took a dislike to Jared, who is obviously manipulating the situation, but I wondered what the mc had done to make him act that way.<BR/><BR/>Yes, the tenses threw me, too, but I would have read on. I could feel the mcs angst at what was happening. I would have said this was a romance, which I don't often read, but I liked the set-up.<BR/><BR/>Sue<BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/>The last time I went on a hayride I had hay in places I could only see with a mirror. And don't even get me started on the rashes. I refused to go through that itching experience again. But then Jared bumped me in the arm and smiled as he walked toward the hay were Barbara, the biggest floozy in town, patted a space at her side.<BR/>I survived the dead grass last time, I could do it again. Tucking my shirt in, I headed that way.makoiyihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01593724562129833517noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-2137038392200645352008-03-05T09:06:00.000-06:002008-03-05T09:06:00.000-06:00Doesn't have to be a historical - hayrides are sti...Doesn't have to be a historical - hayrides are still run in some of the more rural areas of North America, such as where I grew up. I'm not sure if there are still places where 'floozy' would be in a young woman's vocabulary (it isn't in my 16 y.o. daughter's), but I could conceive of it in a sufficiently conservative town, especially if the girl has a lot of older relatives or neighbors that would use it. Perhaps more to the point, many urban and suburban readers would like to <I>think</I> such areas still exist, whether they do or not. To me, the hayride and 'floozy' signal conservative small town or rural, and could be contemporary or historical. Just an amateur's opinion, of course. ;-)<BR/><BR/>Congrats on your opening making the blog, Keri!Dave Shawhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00773380114295267509noreply@blogger.com