tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post7023143617244010991..comments2023-09-05T12:51:25.656-05:00Comments on edittorrent: Log Lines #5Edittorrenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-4753553635154552582009-04-21T18:48:00.000-05:002009-04-21T18:48:00.000-05:00Number two immediately had me picking at the plot:...Number two immediately had me picking at the plot: if these things are so rare, why would they destroy two of them? And what's the fuss (life or death situation) involving a glass bottle anyway? <br /><br />See, this is why I like fantasy. I'm immediately willing to accept that kind of setup if magic is involved; but for ordinary goods, it will take a lot of work to make me believe that people will kill for a glass bottle.<br /><br />The first one has a lot more items that make me go 'how did these people get into that situation? What are they hunting?'green_knighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16499896006012152260noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-4440416365476004912009-04-21T11:44:00.000-05:002009-04-21T11:44:00.000-05:00How about 'jump at?' the opportunity...I like dead...How about 'jump at?' the opportunity...I like dead-end or 'in a rut'. I went back to the earlier post that Murphy was refering to. I do like the phrase 'enslaved by', strangely, it reminds me of Jabba the Hutt for some reason.Babshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11119070165876734820noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-9306416575263484132009-04-21T11:40:00.000-05:002009-04-21T11:40:00.000-05:00I agree that #1 resonated best, but I was somewhat...I agree that #1 resonated best, but I was somewhat turned off by vagueness of some of the descriptors. I like bottle rather than collectible, because it's more specific. "Fragile and highly-collectible bottle" automatically has me wondering what the Hell is so special about a <I>bottle</I>. Also, I would prefer specifics in the place of "fortune and glory." Are they getting a fat paycheck and bragging rights? Or will the UN be presenting them a Nobel prize and accompanying check? The specifics always sell things better, because they reveal so much about the tone of the novel, the writing, and the characters.<br /><br />Good luck, Ian!Samantha Elliotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02936997985968728006noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-91673166939582741592009-04-21T11:24:00.000-05:002009-04-21T11:24:00.000-05:00All these comments are very useful. Murphy's pitch...All these comments are very useful. Murphy's pitch line feels overly long for something to say between elevator floors, say, but would be a good part of a query or synopsis. <br /><br />Laura's observation about "get" is great too. I replaced the first get with "discover", because that feels even more opportunistic. I'm leaving "getting killed" alone, because it has different implications than "dying." Anyone can die from falling into a river or having a heart attack. Getting killed implies you had help in your dying. And that's much more accurate an assessment of the risks in this book. <br /><br />Love the analyses-keep 'em comin'!Ianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14497045412007902460noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-66167989935383989362009-04-21T11:07:00.000-05:002009-04-21T11:07:00.000-05:00I much prefer Log Line #1. It's tight, gets you i...I much prefer Log Line #1. It's tight, gets you into the characters right away and really gives you a great summation of the main action and conflict. <br /><br />JTJulie Harringtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02880895598847092028noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-25479044262767776072009-04-21T10:58:00.000-05:002009-04-21T10:58:00.000-05:00I like #1 best. I don't love "get", tho, and it's ...I like #1 best. I don't love "get", tho, and it's used twice. I think there's a stronger way to phrase it without using "get" in the first instance (I substituted "grab" below). I just think there are better verb choices that would enhance the strong words Ian's already used (mercenaries, dead end jobs, fortune and glory, pursuit, highly-prized collectible)---heh, yeah, I liked most of the words he used, so I'd really like him to find a terrific word to replace "get" in "get the opportunity" to add even more OOMPH to this log line. :D<br /><br />I also liked Murphy's rework of the log line, btw.<br /><br />Three young mercenaries trapped in dead-end jobs GRAB(?) the opportunity for one shot at fortune and glory, so long as they can avoid getting killed in the pursuit of a fragile and highly-prized collectible.Laura Hambyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18044336755858031990noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-68848625089051654742009-04-21T10:24:00.000-05:002009-04-21T10:24:00.000-05:00Here’s why I like #1 the best. I read “mercenaries...Here’s why I like #1 the best. I read “mercenaries” and I think, ooh, that’s different, and then I read “dead-end jobs,” and think, hey, I can relate to <I>that</I>. Then “one shot,” so we know the stakes are high. “Fortune” and “glory” are good, universal themes. I want to “avoid getting killed,” don’t you? Plus, it shows us just how high the stakes are. They’re in “pursuit,” yummy, there’s a chase! “Fragile and highly-prized collectible” tells me they better not be all butterfingers and break it, and lots of other people will want it, hence the pursuit and avoiding getting killed parts. I like the word “collectible,” it sounds fancy and ancient, even though bottle is more specific. Because when I read #2, I thought, really, all this over an empty beer bottle? I haven’t read Ian’s earlier versions, so this is my first take on these log lines, and I really dig #1.Lisa Katzenbergerhttp://fictioncity.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-17225414011460946732009-04-21T10:22:00.000-05:002009-04-21T10:22:00.000-05:00I like the first one better and the combination th...I like the first one better and the combination that Murphy came up with except I would probably add 'fragile and highly prized' to it like Ryan mentioned.:)emhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02680468150513341426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-4330051354486407722009-04-21T08:00:00.000-05:002009-04-21T08:00:00.000-05:00I went back (earlier post) to look at the other on...I went back (earlier post) to look at the other ones Ian posted because I had a feeling there was something there that he had taken out of these two - or maybe put some additional things in? It doesn't matter I guess. I had some ideas prior, so I'm working at looking at all four (just in case anyone says: where did that come from?)and I hope no one minds - Ian?;) <br />I liked a number of things: mercenaries in dead end jobs (but tightened)the amount of 'collectible' bottles when only one has to be recovered and spaning the globe getting away from wealthy and powerful enemies and term'enslaved'...so, this is what I came up with:<br /><br />A select group of mercenaries in a rut, have to retrieve 1 of 3 collectible bottles and destroy the other 2 as they span the globe evading wealthy and powerful enemies in their quest to accomplish this task; otherwise they will be enslaved by the collector forever.Riley Murphyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15817930302085699222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-35573377250768094042009-04-21T07:31:00.000-05:002009-04-21T07:31:00.000-05:00i liked " fragile and highly-prized collectible" m...i liked " fragile and highly-prized collectible" much better than "only three collectible bottles." <br /><br />Also, I feel the stakes for the mercenaries in the first. "trapped in dead in jobs" and "opportunity for one shot at fortune and glory" are more concrete than "it seems like the entire world is allayed against them." The word "seems" really waters the second one down.<br /><br />I like the "destroy the other two" in the second one. It leads me to wonder about these bottles. <br /><br />JeanieJeanne Ryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16871446109563078108noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-37536699153094352032009-04-21T06:27:00.000-05:002009-04-21T06:27:00.000-05:00My completely unprofessional opinion: The first lo...My completely unprofessional opinion: The first log line had more immediacy and impact. If Ian's novel is selling an action/adventure piece, or thriller--yes, number one will grab more people's attention. I hadn't thought of your p.o.v. Theresa, but you make an excellent point that if the story is more cerebral, Log Line 2 is the better set up.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00560147197082915677noreply@blogger.com