tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post6555859788148686618..comments2023-09-05T12:51:25.656-05:00Comments on edittorrent: Minor sentence fix-- what would you do?Edittorrenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-30368526671515867442012-03-17T14:48:50.655-05:002012-03-17T14:48:50.655-05:00Oh, yes, skimp here and splurge later. By then I c...Oh, yes, skimp here and splurge later. By then I could afford storage for my bikes and tools.Joan Leacotthttp://joanleacott.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-8486884273326708712012-03-16T08:48:37.836-05:002012-03-16T08:48:37.836-05:00I agree with Erastes on the dwelling sentence. Tha...I agree with Erastes on the dwelling sentence. <i>That's the state I'm dwelling</i> sounds like it's missing something.<br /><br /><i>That's the state where I dwell</i> sounds more complete to my ear and avoids ending in a preposition.Ashlyn Macnamarahttp://www.ashlynmacnamara.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-80229030957167543652012-03-16T08:23:09.207-05:002012-03-16T08:23:09.207-05:00The first sentence, if I were copyediting it, I wo...The first sentence, if I were copyediting it, I would add the 'in' back in, because in my idiom you cannot dwell something, only in (and occasionally upon) something. And I'd pass it back, because I cannot work out whether this is state as in administrative area (unlikely), physical state (clothes strewn on the floor) or mental state. <br /><br />I'd look for a stronger noun - that'st the state of my home, or this is how I live/spend my time.<br /><br />In the second, I like your edit- it conveys everything we need with a minimum of words. If the author continues to describe the place, that's fine. If not, I'd look for a bit more - is just big enough to squeeze them in? Does it leave room for them *and* for her to turn around without brushing the walls? Any other description of its location or size or state that I can squeeze in for a bit more grounding? <br /><br /><i>And is it important to make even the minor sentences precise and concise? </i><br /><br />In my opinion, yes. Because the reader doesn't know whether a sentence is important until they've read it, and your storage closet could be the first triumph, the turning point in a life that had hitherto been fully of setbacks, or a setback for a greater disappointment.<br /><br /><i>Three days later, someone broke into the building and stole my bike, leaving - oh irony of ironies - my neighbour's brand new mountain bike chained to the lamp post outside. </i><br /><br />And if you don't take time to make every sentence flow, how will you learn the skills to add sparkle to the ones that really deserve it?green_knighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16499896006012152260noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-32376901846169808542012-03-16T07:01:13.664-05:002012-03-16T07:01:13.664-05:00My editors always change a clunky sentence, and i&...My editors always change a clunky sentence, and i'd expect them to. I agree with your second change, but the dwelling sentence, no--i'd definitely argue with my editor about that.Erasteshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02203293017233301227noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-48890446646030587512012-03-15T20:56:38.721-05:002012-03-15T20:56:38.721-05:00My thought is that if we use "storage" i...My thought is that if we use "storage" in there, we don't need "to store in" or any verb like that-- it's implied in the noun. Hmm. It's sort of funny how much work even workmanlike sentences can be.<br /><br />AliciaEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-42073042757456838982012-03-15T19:07:01.579-05:002012-03-15T19:07:01.579-05:00My first response was to use 'for'. I thin...My first response was to use 'for'. I think "in which" depends on the tone of the rest of the piece - if it's a higher register (ie they're tending to use 'whom' and other 'more correct' forms), I'd go with 'in which'. If they're using a simpler/lower register, I'd go with 'for'.<br /><br />I don't think merely deleting the trailing preposition is a good tactic unless it shouldn't have been there in the first place. My inner-reader stuttered over "That's the state I'm dwelling". Without the preposition, the meaning shifts, and you're now trying to "dwell a state", which isn't possible. They're not just optional decoration. A sentence that is missing required prepositions like the one above sticks out (to me) far more painfully than one that merely ends with an awkward preposition.Sofie Birdhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10569731263629196776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-38223685190765845422012-03-15T17:44:08.573-05:002012-03-15T17:44:08.573-05:00I'm in middle of second round of edits, so par...I'm in middle of second round of edits, so paring thigns down, clarifying etc. (taking out unecessary "was, that, just" and the like) and I'd do it like this:<br /><br />By then, I had accumulated enough money to rent storage for my bicycles and tools.Leonahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11786326364037397675noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-5704934992669563122012-03-15T17:37:36.772-05:002012-03-15T17:37:36.772-05:00Oh yes, it is important. This is where I myself ge...Oh yes, it is important. This is where I myself get tripped up. I need to throw some sentences in to get to the more important scene, and so some parts of my MS end up reading like a menu. Certainly a far cry from the "gorgeous writing" I hear agents waxing poetic about.<br /><br />I've heard the advice, "write the story first. Then write the sentence."<br /><br />We may initially write like we would speak (telling a story and all), but revision is to clean up all the bits and bobs and make each line something that neatly moves to the next. Ending in a preposition is never neat. So, fight the good fight Alicia!<br /><br />I'd go with:<br />By then I had enough money and was able to rent a closet to store my bicycles and tools.CourtneyChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09378719093957870376noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-42719400838985602092012-03-15T16:03:27.099-05:002012-03-15T16:03:27.099-05:00By then I had enough money to rent a unit in which...By then I had enough money to rent a unit in which to store my bicycles and tools. ?? Maybe?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17703102405965656616noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-9426118601312607152012-03-15T14:12:39.609-05:002012-03-15T14:12:39.609-05:00EVERY sentence is important, and EVERY word in tho...EVERY sentence is important, and EVERY word in those every sentences are important, as well.<br /><br />I'd have suggested the same change you did: I was able to rent a storage shed for my bikes and tools. To paraphrase...Susan Helene Gottfriedhttp://westofmars.comnoreply@blogger.com