tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post6413049560133173430..comments2023-09-05T12:51:25.656-05:00Comments on edittorrent: SkitteringEdittorrenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-3439072794292180992010-01-16T19:10:33.006-06:002010-01-16T19:10:33.006-06:00@Jordan - I decided to rwrite mine with a purpose....@Jordan - I decided to rwrite mine with a purpose. Did you get that from my example? That maybe there's more you need to read? <br /><br />I think Theresa wanted us to take that craptastic sentence and make it worth reading, if possible. LOLLeonahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11786326364037397675noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-88239092852942616682010-01-16T16:54:03.853-06:002010-01-16T16:54:03.853-06:00@Theresa—That's actually my point. The descrip...@Theresa—That's actually my point. The description you mention serves a purpose. This description doesn't (as you mention, especially not in isolation), and frankly, I'm not convinced it can (Murphy's efforts notwithstanding ;) )—possibly because it's more concerned with listing as many colors as possible and less with any significance beyond painting a picture without any specific meaning to the character or the reader.<br /><br />But this is also because it's not from a story. (We hope.)Jordan McCollumhttp://jordanmccollum.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-32596865057081659042010-01-15T14:52:06.629-06:002010-01-15T14:52:06.629-06:00Thanks Theresa. Blush.Thanks Theresa. Blush.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-10183824703234920952010-01-15T14:51:59.472-06:002010-01-15T14:51:59.472-06:00LMAO Now I've read the comments and it's h...LMAO Now I've read the comments and it's hilarious!! Murphy, your descriptions are delightful (okay, tongue in cheek here LOL). <br /><br />Seriously, the struggle to define and give voice to a craptastic sentence is bringing some colorful characters to the forefront. <br /><br />I learn something from everyone trying, not just a few. BTW, here in Central Washington, our sunsets are often "striped" to the naked eye. It's as if each ray of sun has collected a different prism and decided to display it. With the mountain back drop, it is visually stunning. If you have never seen one, I can see where the striped image would be confusing and hard to imagine.<br /><br /><br />Back to the drawing puffy clouds :P JK my couds are artistic and visually interesting.Leonahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11786326364037397675noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-74552190481271225722010-01-15T14:40:34.624-06:002010-01-15T14:40:34.624-06:00Okay, I had to do the exersice before reading the ...Okay, I had to do the exersice before reading the comments or I would chicken out. I tell you, Murphy intimidates the hell out of me.<br /><br />The lush heather glowed under the dying day. The sunset turning the purple to crimson blood as the orange and pink rays reflected off the innocent clouds. She contemplated the symbolism as she absorbed the day’s end into her being.<br /><br />I'm definitely in a morbid mood. Time to kill off a few more characters. Also, I'm in need of a good critique partner. I have a lot of good books that need a fresh eye and my husband has procrastinated long enough that I don't believe he's going to do it :( Major bummer cuz he's very good at it.Leonahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11786326364037397675noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-59592088216650414812010-01-15T14:13:07.594-06:002010-01-15T14:13:07.594-06:00I agree with Dave!
Murphy, I'm ROTFLMAO as ...I agree with Dave! <br /><br />Murphy, I'm ROTFLMAO as usual!:)emhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02680468150513341426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-64923506584576546692010-01-15T11:51:02.620-06:002010-01-15T11:51:02.620-06:00What a surprise. The spring desert was lush in its...What a surprise. The spring desert was lush in its purple heather skirts. <br /><br />Our day ended with a pink-and-orange sunset. The puffy clouds glowing faintly crimson. If only my ball gown could match such striped splendor.MitMoihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05748735568467215959noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-34375388271247052292010-01-15T11:16:44.042-06:002010-01-15T11:16:44.042-06:00Murphy, dear, didn't you get the memo? The go...Murphy, dear, didn't you get the memo? The goal is to get rid of rap, not make it better! LOLDave Shawhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00773380114295267509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-20333773270475112372010-01-15T10:05:40.654-06:002010-01-15T10:05:40.654-06:00What can I say,Theresa? You bring out the best in...What can I say,Theresa? You bring out the best in me. :D<br /><br />Lyrics of the Rap Masta A.K.A Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man: I’m stealing the great beginning from the Lieutenant on American Idol. :D<br /><br />When your pants fall down and they’re on the ground,<br />No need to mutter we got the fluff-n- nutter.<br />You can eat your fill - don’t mess your grill,<br />Taste that marshmallow you greedy fellow!<br /><br />When your pants fall down and they’re on the ground,<br />No need to mutter we got the fluff-n- nutter.<br />I won’t call you puffy - but it might be a toughie<br />As your pants don’t fit - you annoying little shit!<br /><br />When your pants fall down and they’re on the ground,<br />No need to mutter we got the fluff-n- nutter.<br />You can eat it naked or take the time and fully bake it,<br />Some may say you’re a sucker - but ain’t that better than T’s shout out: puffy mutherfucker? <br /><br /><br />Stay-Puft- (tinted yellow with old age) Marshmallow Man- Rap- Monsta - OUT!Riley Murphyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15817930302085699222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-44735402366268071092010-01-15T09:22:06.207-06:002010-01-15T09:22:06.207-06:00hmm i dunno. Something more along the lines of
Th...hmm i dunno. Something more along the lines of<br /><br />The orange sunset transformed the lush heather to crimson under the tinted clouds.<br /><br />Meh, still needs work, but i like it better than the original. That one had too many colors, which rendered them all meaningless.Sarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-14336017172030522152010-01-15T08:50:06.204-06:002010-01-15T08:50:06.204-06:00Sunlight struck the heather, stunned her with a br...Sunlight struck the heather, stunned her with a bruise-purple smack.<br /><br />Probably only makes any sort of sense if you've read the original sentence.Whirlochrehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09846196906206886945noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-50208640527820871412010-01-15T03:52:21.802-06:002010-01-15T03:52:21.802-06:00With a nod to Tolkein or maybe Peake...
The heath...With a nod to Tolkein or maybe Peake...<br /><br />The heather was purple in the shadows and crimson where it caught the glow of that striated sunset; but, though she walked in lush fields, she saw only the arid lands she had left behind.Stella Omegahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13301654872790964794noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-87570445687082921722010-01-15T00:08:34.033-06:002010-01-15T00:08:34.033-06:00She stared, unseeing, at the heather glowing crims...She stared, unseeing, at the heather glowing crimson under the burning sky.Karenninahttp://karenninaposa.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-79926588820501611872010-01-14T21:20:47.766-06:002010-01-14T21:20:47.766-06:00@writeidea
I really like the way you made it about...@writeidea<br />I really like the way you made it about the character -- the emotional state, the interpretation of the landscape. This is a strong way to incorporate description.<br /><br />TheresaEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-39517743154780776712010-01-14T20:25:42.066-06:002010-01-14T20:25:42.066-06:00Em,
I can't even tell you how many sayings fr...Em,<br /><br />I can't even tell you how many sayings from this blog have seeped into my real life - crapatolla, mantasy, craptastic, etc. LOL! We should have an edittorrent dictionary...<br /><br />Murphy,<br /><br />Hallelujah! I proclaim you cured of the "over-describing" virus. LOL! Seriously, your sentence was great, but your reasons for <i>not</i> including things were priceless (the Rapper name? Hysterical!).<br /><br />Jami G.Jami Goldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00957122956518765455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-6935956196604372902010-01-14T19:56:56.130-06:002010-01-14T19:56:56.130-06:00I love this!
The lush purple heather glowed faint...I love this!<br /><br />The lush purple heather glowed faintly crimson under the puffy clouds of the pink-and-orange sunset.<br /><br />@ Theresa and Murphy, LOL! I don't mind puffy. Craptastic and hokie doodle? Priceless!:)emhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02680468150513341426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-52640078210900946152010-01-14T18:19:26.923-06:002010-01-14T18:19:26.923-06:00She hunched over and examined the purple heather. ...She hunched over and examined the purple heather. To her exhausted eyes, it appeared to pulse and glow, but the illusion might only be a reflection from the exotic sunset.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-71277994790981736112010-01-14T17:30:20.650-06:002010-01-14T17:30:20.650-06:00Jordan, sometimes description is something more th...Jordan, sometimes description is something more than mere landscaping. I remember the final line in the A. Manette Ansey book, Vinegar Hill -- well, I don't remember it verbatim, but it was something like, <br /><br />She held her daughter's hand and looked out over the flat coin of the lake.<br /><br />Flat coin of the lake -- that was a resonant image, and that book would have suffered without it. It was an image of hope and peace, and it connected to some of the key themes of the book. I remember struggling with that book (like most of the Oprah books, it was grim and depressing), but that final image was the payoff that made it all worthwhile.<br /><br />Taking an image out of context might not yield the same impact. If you haven't read Vinegar Hill, that descriptive detail would not mean much. But, well, deleting description isn't always the answer. Even with a sentence as crappy as my sample.<br /><br />TheresaEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-2889724936693143112010-01-14T17:02:44.118-06:002010-01-14T17:02:44.118-06:00The heather glowed in crimson hues under the fiery...<b>The heather glowed in crimson hues under the fiery sunset.</b><br /><br />Reasons:<br /><br />She looked - (axed because it’s telling)<br />Lush -axed because my CP has cured me of using that word (unless I’m describing a drunk woman).<br />Purple - unnecessary as it’s stated that the heather is tinted a different color anyway.<br />Faintly - um, does that mean light red? <br />Striped pink-and-orange? Nope. Well, I guess I’d include it - if she were looking through her jail cell window bars - but <i>looked</i> is no longer included - so, *sigh with relief* that too, is off the list.<br />Puffy? Can I just pause here to insert a: *gag me* I hate that! And tinted? Puffy tinted? Man, Theresa, that sounds like a Rapper’s name. Announcing: Puffy Tinted Marshmallow Monsta! <br /><br />Note to Jordan. *waves* This line must be included as the heroine has been looking for this elusive heather for 427 pages. It holds the cure (once steeped with camomile tea) to eliminate the alien virus that’s nearly wiped out the human race. And after she's witnessed, firsthand, what the virus did to the French, she figured she better start picking -despite the late hour. Hokie-doodle! She had an island to save! :D<br /><br />Murphy - sending a big shout out to JG - because she actually had the balls to use <i>leap-frogged across the sky cloud to cloud</i> as a sentence. What a visual! ;)Riley Murphyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15817930302085699222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-1982958915529006792010-01-14T16:24:19.654-06:002010-01-14T16:24:19.654-06:00Ohhhhh. Did you all here that penny drop?
These e...Ohhhhh. Did you all here that penny drop?<br /><br />These examples are good. I sat here trying to work out how to replace "she" and a better word for "looked" and I got nowhere.<br /><br /><i>Also wanted to note -- group exercises like this are useful in refining voice. Do you see why? We can compare notes and understand our own approach a little better as a result.</i><br /><br />Totally. This is great - if you posted the example with a fix, I would just think "yeah, I know you can do it but I can't" ... reading various approaches by other people makes all the difference.Sylviahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05925593802209715440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-88628514169475960532010-01-14T15:59:41.623-06:002010-01-14T15:59:41.623-06:00Jordan,
LOL! And I agree with you 100%. The bes...Jordan,<br /><br />LOL! And I agree with you 100%. The best descriptions are there for a reason, to show some sort of reaction from the character (the whole 'how does it make her feel' aspect).<br /><br />Jami G.Jami Goldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00957122956518765455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-37803461411670214562010-01-14T15:20:24.949-06:002010-01-14T15:20:24.949-06:00Um, wow. My quick fix would be the delete key. I k...Um, wow. My quick fix would be the delete key. I know, I'm harsh (and a cheater). It just doesn't look like the sentence actually serves any purpose other than to mention as many colors as possible.<br /><br />I do like writtenwyrdd's efforts to make the sentence serve a purpose.<br /><br />(Okay, yes, scene-setting is a purpose, but if I read that in a novel, I wouldn't see anything. It's like telling me their couch was green. Great. So what?)Jordanhttp://jordanmccollum.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-22023365877579544232010-01-14T14:50:25.397-06:002010-01-14T14:50:25.397-06:00Theresa,
Exactly - that's why I left the stri...Theresa,<br /><br />Exactly - that's why I left the striped part out of mine. :)<br /><br />Jami G.Jami Goldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00957122956518765455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-69314389330062185112010-01-14T14:37:55.156-06:002010-01-14T14:37:55.156-06:00In that case, Jami, it makes sense to focus on one...In that case, Jami, it makes sense to focus on one or the other of the two images. Stripey or puffy. Dealer's choice. :)<br /><br />TheresaEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-88819021837789707182010-01-14T14:12:03.375-06:002010-01-14T14:12:03.375-06:00I'm not sure this is actually in my voice, as ...I'm not sure this is actually in my voice, as it's still a bit overladen for my tastes, but this was my first take and I'll run with it...<br /><br />The pink and orange sunset leap-frogged across the sky from cloud to cloud. The glow from the nearest puffy cloud cast a crimson light over the lush field of purple heather around her.<br /><br />Jami G.<br />(Who's having a hard time visualizing a striped sunset with puffy clouds - sunset color is usually found <b>on</b> the clouds, not the empty sky, so stripes and puffy don't seem to go together. ;) )Jami Goldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00957122956518765455noreply@blogger.com