tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post3573777651344413514..comments2023-09-05T12:51:25.656-05:00Comments on edittorrent: POV GlitchEdittorrenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-87222777821143402222010-03-16T09:12:09.462-05:002010-03-16T09:12:09.462-05:00My effort with the exercise. The pov is watching, ...My effort with the exercise. The pov is watching, so they had to have seen something to spark off the interest in the couple.<br /><br />A hint of chemistry was there, I sensed it: The way she leaned too far toward him as he kissed her hand, the hint of surprised recognition in his eyes.<br /><br />"Then, having spent an afternoon in the same room as them, watching the effortless manner in which they fell into familiar conversation -- two striking individuals against an equally spectacular backdrop -- I could not deny that they were more than casual acquaintances."Glynis Peters https://www.blogger.com/profile/01175378917872403609noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-7859743342616358712010-03-15T22:36:16.860-05:002010-03-15T22:36:16.860-05:00Not sure where my first comment went.
My suggesti...Not sure where my first comment went.<br /><br />My suggestion would be:<br /><br /><i>I didn't think much of it at first: the way she'd leaned too far toward him as he kissed her hand, the hint of surprised recognition in his eyes.</i><br /><br />That takes out the "when she first arrived," but I don't really think it's necessary. I'm also not sure if "I hadn't thought" might be more correct...but it just doesn't feel like how a person would naturally talk/think.<br /><br />For me, the bigger issue is how realistic the positioning of these three people is. I'd think that, in order to see a "hint" of something in someone's eyes, you have to be looking straight into them from a pretty close distance. That would put the narrator opposite him. Then, when a woman gives her hand to a man to kiss, she is usually standing directly in front of him and he typically leans forward slightly to kiss it...placing her directly between the narrator and the man. So how did she see that hint in his eyes? I suppose that the surprised recognition might have shown before he bent, so if he was tall enough, the narrator might have been looking over the woman's shoulder. <br /><br />That "hint" seems like it doesn't quite fit, though. Unless the narrator turns out to be obsessed by him and watching his every tiny movement...which might also be the case.Kathleen MacIverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16445884398825552734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-12200645788009334742010-03-15T22:23:12.145-05:002010-03-15T22:23:12.145-05:00@ Iapetus - Eh, it's telling either way. I'...@ Iapetus - Eh, it's telling either way. I'm not too worried about that because the sentence has lots of good narrative tension and does generate reader interest. A good bit of that tension comes from the contrast between the confession and the actions, though, and I wonder if we would lose that if it were revised for pov.<br /><br />@Josh Hoey - That expositional/ conversational first is a tricky beast. When it works, it works well. But it so rarely works. And I think one of the reasons we see so many first-person sleuths is that the pov tightly limits reader perceptions (in accordance with character perceptions), and that allows the author to manipulate red herrings and plot twists a little more readily. <br /><br />TheresaEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-74402469563384496692010-03-15T16:24:11.155-05:002010-03-15T16:24:11.155-05:00Personally, I like the sentence as is and none of ...Personally, I like the sentence as is and none of the suggestions has improved it, just turned it into "telling."<br />The sentence gave me these questions: why didn't she notice it at first, and what happened to change her interpretation of it? <br />So I like the mystery of it.Andrew Rosenberghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09215333688753781447noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-43053611546242019192010-03-15T14:44:47.158-05:002010-03-15T14:44:47.158-05:00It seems to me perhaps the punctuation is the prob...It seems to me perhaps the punctuation is the problem. It's not that she didn't notice the actions, but did not notice the significance (that they were more than casual). I think Dave's revision works well.feywriterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17224558691840388691noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-56693839902769338592010-03-15T13:52:27.132-05:002010-03-15T13:52:27.132-05:00I think it is acceptable for a first person narrat...I think it is acceptable for a first person narrative to break those confines of what the narrator saw "at the time".<br /><br />The deep third person narrative exists to put us in the viewpoint character's head at the time of the scene, but the first person narrator can be in a conversation with us. They can telling us what happened long ago, and as they tell their story, it can possibly be coloured by what they've learned about the the scene (or include any other wisdom they've gained) since they experienced those events.<br /><br />Of course, the "rules" that govern the first person POV may vary from book to book, and some first person POVs may limit themselves only to what happened at the time, but I don't think they should have to. Am I wrong for thinking this?Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15115214946940317282noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-85811923239274795282010-03-15T13:43:46.933-05:002010-03-15T13:43:46.933-05:00Dave, that seems like a good solution to me.
Heid...Dave, that seems like a good solution to me.<br /><br />Heidi, the second sentence is,<br /><br />"But having spent an afternoon in the same room as them, watching the effortless manner in which they fell into familiar conversation -- two striking individuals against an equally spectacular backdrop -- I could not deny that they were more than casual acquaintances."<br /><br />Jordan, can we read the two sentences together to accomplish what you suggest?<br /><br />TheresaEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-22517761634292312572010-03-15T13:18:27.001-05:002010-03-15T13:18:27.001-05:00Or perhaps the POV character recalled it because o...Or perhaps the POV character recalled it because of something that happened later - a disagreement, some unexpected dalliance, discovery of one of them dead - something that would change the unmemorable moment into an encounter of importance.<br /><br />A (probably wordy - my Achilles heel) rework could go something like:<br /><br />"I attached no importance to what happened when she first arrived: the way she leaned too far toward him as he kissed her hand, the hint of surprised recognition in his eyes."Dave Shawhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00773380114295267509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-16431698385107095122010-03-15T12:42:16.020-05:002010-03-15T12:42:16.020-05:00I'm thinking, perhaps, the author mentions som...I'm thinking, perhaps, the author mentions something in the next sentence about being informed of it by a friend later on. Or having the pov character's attention drawn to it by a friend after the fact?<br /><br />I like Jordan's thought on rewriting to have the character not realize it until later. Or not recognize the significance until later.Heidi Cautrellhttp://www.thedeepunderground.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-12689371488067510582010-03-15T12:28:47.531-05:002010-03-15T12:28:47.531-05:00Here's a stab at a fix: rewrite the line to ma...Here's a stab at a fix: rewrite the line to make it clear that POV character saw those things at the time but only interpreted them ("noticed") when she remembered the event later.<br /><br />Of course, that could be wordier and less powerful.Jordanhttp://jordanmccollum.comnoreply@blogger.com