tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post2968077152755499533..comments2023-09-05T12:51:25.656-05:00Comments on edittorrent: Log Lines #4Edittorrenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-2624208368943863172009-04-20T15:06:00.000-05:002009-04-20T15:06:00.000-05:00Wes: You're off to a good start. Erotic romance? ...Wes: You're off to a good start. Erotic romance? I didn't get that from you line but you said 'almost'. If you change or define the word alien better I think you may have a winner with this one.:)<br /><br />Murphy, I have to say that the new 'do' is you (I read Em's comment in the other post;)!Babshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11119070165876734820noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-23501517313736837902009-04-20T13:26:00.000-05:002009-04-20T13:26:00.000-05:00what I like most is the ending.
My only quibble i...what I like most is the ending.<br /><br />My only quibble is the word alien. Immediately I though sci-fi. I'd like a little elaboration on this point, so I can visualize the conflict better.Jeanne Ryanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16871446109563078108noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-77582941623881202852009-04-20T12:59:00.000-05:002009-04-20T12:59:00.000-05:00Babs,
There is most definitely romance! Sometimes...Babs,<br />There is most definitely romance! Sometimes I thought I was writing an erotic romance novel (well, almost). Maria is one of the primary motivators of Kincaid's actions. And like every romance in real life, there are positives and negatives.<br /><br />As Murphy posted, she warned me about using "alien". Guess I need to rethink that. But dictionary.com includes in the definition "unlike one's own; strange; not belonging to one". But I'm not a purist. I'd rather have the log line communicate well than be technically correct. "Foreign" would work. Again from dictionary.com: "Synonyms:<br />1. immigrant. 2. See stranger. 3. outcast. 7. exotic, foreign".Weshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03077791761104576436noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-7563237213250688582009-04-20T12:33:00.000-05:002009-04-20T12:33:00.000-05:00I agree about the word alien - I read it and then ...I agree about the word alien - I read it and then had to go back and reread the line. I would also like to hear more about the woman - if there is some romance here, or is that secondary to the coming of age?Babshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11119070165876734820noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-71735563950902516892009-04-20T12:17:00.000-05:002009-04-20T12:17:00.000-05:00Definitely a great start, as everyone has noted!
...Definitely a great start, as everyone has noted!<br /><br />Maybe we should describe María as a "devious Mexican woman," and hope that doesn't sound like a stereotype. <br /><br />Wes, when you said "Americans and other norte americanos were arrested for entering NM, and many were never of heard of again," I wanted to get a hint of that kind of danger in the log line. That's the kind of concrete obstacle that could help here (provided, of course, that your book actually focuses on that).Jordan McCollumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16523599384793856702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-90813030405949555532009-04-20T11:52:00.000-05:002009-04-20T11:52:00.000-05:00Hey Mystery Robin! Glad you finally made it out o...Hey Mystery Robin! Glad you finally made it out of the shadows...it took Alicia's post December 8th, 2008 on 'Synecdoche' to inspire me to bribe one of my kids (notice I didn’t say blackmail? And yes, I believe there was money involved, heck - with them? There’s ALWAYS money involved!) into setting up a blog account so that I could put my two cents in around here. <br /><br />I agree with you about the 'alien' and sci-fi thing. Wes, actually copied me in on his logline when he sent it to Theresa a few days ago and I mentioned this point to him. So, you are not alone on that one. In fact I'm glad you mentioned it because now he knows that I’m not the only one who had this reaction.;)<br /><br />Wes, I have one more thing I would add here. You have a line that you use, I believe that it is: ‘things were softer and less sudden.’? That kind of sums up where Kincaid came from as opposed to where he is. I really liked the phrase because it gave me a glimpse into, not only the character who thought such a thing - but told me about his ‘reality’ big time. Is there any way you can work that into, if not the logline, maybe your pitch? Just a thought...Riley Murphyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15817930302085699222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-82442804060571421022009-04-20T11:13:00.000-05:002009-04-20T11:13:00.000-05:00If I had anything to change about this it has been...If I had anything to change about this it has been already mentioned. I would like to see more information or more description in the line about the Mexican woman.emhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02680468150513341426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-62106679299600123482009-04-20T10:05:00.000-05:002009-04-20T10:05:00.000-05:00Thank you, Theresa and others for your thoughtful ...Thank you, Theresa and others for your thoughtful comments. I have found this whole topic of log lines to be very helpful. Thanks again.<br /><br />Yes, it is probably too lean, but I was concerned about cramming too much into it. The year 1821 is important because that was when Mexico gained independence from Spain. Prior to that Spain protected its merchantile system of forcing all trade with its colonies thru Spain. Americans and other norte americanos were arrested for entering NM, and many were never of heard of again. Kincaid's journey there was filled with risk. The Santa Fe Trail developed after 1821. It was for commerce to bring trade to isolated New Mexicans, whereas the Oregon Trail was for immigration and not commerce.<br /><br />Yes, it is a coming of age story, and one that ends in disillusionment and deceit.<br /><br />The obstacles and alien ways are many. Maria, the love interest, is one of my favorite characters. Kincaid is blind to her devious ways. One thing she does is seduce Kincaid into going on a slave raid to steal Navajo children to sell so her father will not need to sell himself into peonage, another type of slavery practiced there. Other strange ways are how Spanish missions enslaved pueblo Indians, and ricos, wealthy landowners, abused their power. Kincaid is viewed as a heretic by the clergy, but I'm even-handed. When Kincaid takes New Mexican's to St. Louis, his compannions are viewed as papists and face the same type of prejudice he has endured.<br /><br />Yes, I am influenced by Cormac McCarthy, but more so by A. B. Guthrie, Jr. who won a Pulitzer for THE WAY WEST (even though his debut novel, THE BIG SKY is better). He also wrote the screenplay for SHANE.<br /><br />This is way too much info, but I couldn't help myself.<br /><br />I look forward to additional feedback.<br /><br />WesWeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03077791761104576436noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-44858350228407398662009-04-20T09:35:00.000-05:002009-04-20T09:35:00.000-05:00Hi there - I'm a lurker coming out of hiding. :)
...Hi there - I'm a lurker coming out of hiding. :)<br /><br />I thought the log line was very tight, clear, and readable - the sort of writing that makes reading pleasurable. The only sticking point for me was the use of the word alien, and I can see I'm in the minority. Possibly, it's because I've been critiquing some sci fi/fantasy, but I initially thought of, well, aliens. <br /><br />So I personally would choose a different word there.<br /><br />I actually liked the use of "young man". It made me think of a George Bailey type headed out into the world. I liked "provacative Mexican woman" less. I'm just guessing there's more too her than that and I'd love to see one more word in there that hints at her complexity.<br /><br />Hope that's helpful!<br />RobinRobin Lemkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12254896327174187893noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-31163245654432520362009-04-20T08:51:00.000-05:002009-04-20T08:51:00.000-05:00Ha, Wes! And you thought it wouldn't be posted! ...Ha, Wes! And you thought it wouldn't be posted! Time to grill...er I mean, fill in my two cents. And hey JT, thanks for breaking the ice with this one and posting first - I'm glad someone's paying attention to my whining (you must have kids...or ah, a husband that causes you to be this perceptive);0.<br /><br />Like Theresa, I think alien ways needs to be clarified. The term, when I read it, never sat well with me. If Kincaid is adopting a new land, he needs to do more than survive their ways. He needs to overcome the obstacles that they present and accept them, so that he can build a new life in this land, right? <br /><br />Other than this? The term young man? Yeah, it could use some dressing up - but I think that is more a female perspective than a male one. Where are all the guys on this? Ian? Is he around? What is his take on the term? Does Wes need more than this, if this is a coming-of-age story, to hook you or get his point across at first meet? (as a guy, I mean) I'd really be interested to know what kind of additional description a guy would use to switch up the: 'young man' term. Not that the ladies around here aren't capable, but I'm curious. (insert me narrowing my eyes in thought...here). <br /><br />This was good Wes. I think it’s clear and to the point - well done!Riley Murphyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15817930302085699222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-17635193858621515982009-04-20T03:40:00.000-05:002009-04-20T03:40:00.000-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Skeptichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04570339590935432267noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-18776945923933428962009-04-20T03:26:00.000-05:002009-04-20T03:26:00.000-05:00On one hand I like it... it's tight and clean.
Bu...On one hand I like it... it's tight and clean.<br /><br />But... surviving is passive. It means "exist and don't die".. more or less. =)<br /><br />Without knowing more about the work, it's difficult to make suggestions, but I'm wondering about what the young man must DO, GIVE UP, or FIGHT to survive? Does he battle prejudice or compromise his morals or even change his way of thinking?<br /><br />In my opinion, the more *doing* the better.<br /><br />That said, it really is quite good. =)Nixy Valentinehttp://www.nixyvalentine.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-40346960244566129722009-04-19T23:56:00.000-05:002009-04-19T23:56:00.000-05:00And I save Murphy from having to go first. ;)
Th...And I save Murphy from having to go first. ;)<br /><br />The sentence itself is really tight. There definitely is no misunderstanding here at all. You know who and where and when and you get a little hint at the what, but nothing really jumped out at me.<br /><br />I'm pitifully horrid with history. I have no idea if something was happening in New Mexico in 1821 that would apply to the backdrop and I don't know if a man with a Mexican woman was considered socially unacceptable? If so, I can see where romantic and social conflicts could come from there.<br /><br />But I would definitely like to know more about the man. It says he's coming to be a trader and that New Mexico is alien to him. So where is he coming from? Is he Boston bred? Somewhere more up north like Montana? Or maybe he's really up north like Canada. <br /><br />So I'm with Theresa. I'd like to see a bit of the overall conflict get a mention in there.<br /><br />One other thing that Wes might consider is the description of the woman. Mexican is obviously important. I assume she is provocative as romance is brewing. Is she controversial? Is she infamous? What does she add to the conflict?<br /><br />I think I have more questions about where the story can expand than anything. But clarity so isn't the issue. :) It was very, very clear.<br /><br />JTJulie Harringtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02880895598847092028noreply@blogger.com