tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post1638116167706344205..comments2023-09-05T12:51:25.656-05:00Comments on edittorrent: Amber's log lineEdittorrenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-64097653325195175802009-05-30T19:04:38.611-05:002009-05-30T19:04:38.611-05:00I'm intrigued by the setup, but I need a sense of ...I'm intrigued by the setup, but I need a sense of the characters. "Innocent boy" doesn't do it for me -- is he the hero? If so, what does he have to do to extricate himself from the tug-of-war? <br /><br />I think the problem is I associate "innocent" with "passive," and nothing here is giving me a sense of whose struggle I'm going to be following.Elizabethhttp://underagereading.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-28869108476649725892009-05-28T13:02:19.666-05:002009-05-28T13:02:19.666-05:00I liked the second one. I liked how Amber started ...I liked the second one. I liked how Amber started with the innocent boy first.:)emhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02680468150513341426noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-60326585697392806992009-05-28T11:00:03.155-05:002009-05-28T11:00:03.155-05:00I lean toward the 2nd one as well. I like B.E.'s ...I lean toward the 2nd one as well. I like B.E.'s suggestion above about rearraging the order so you can squeak in the stakes there at the end. Very clever.<br /><br />JTJulie Harringtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02880895598847092028noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-461777871590145202009-05-28T07:52:30.373-05:002009-05-28T07:52:30.373-05:00I like the second one better, too. I think it has...I like the second one better, too. I think it has real potential but I think it still needs something. I don't know enough about the story to tell you what, though, and maybe that's the problem itself.<br /><br /><I>When humans and demons both believe an innocent boy is the messiah from their prophesies, he's caught in a violent tug-a-war that...</I> :insert stakes here: <br /><br />Maybe something like 'threatens to tear his world apart' or 'will rip apart the seams of reality' or whatever urgent crisis this brings.<br /><br />You might also want to show how this boy is innocent. Is he very young? Has he led a sheltered life? Was he studying for the priesthood? Perhaps word it like "When humans and demons both believe 6-yr old Max is their messiah..."<br /><br />Hope that helps. =o)B.E. Sandersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04336115135400388268noreply@blogger.com