tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post9087552117774960504..comments2023-09-05T12:51:25.656-05:00Comments on edittorrent: The Last Piece of Theory on Present Participial PhrasesEdittorrenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-87854752715107801742009-07-12T12:43:57.762-05:002009-07-12T12:43:57.762-05:00Shhhh, I've managed to fly (like the above men...Shhhh, I've managed to fly (like the above mentioned crows) under the radar, thus far. But like my heroine opening those gates - I'll be wincing if Theresa gets a hold of this one.:DRiley Murphyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15817930302085699222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-58913469651882434682009-07-12T12:25:58.231-05:002009-07-12T12:25:58.231-05:00Murph, that was a long one. I think that you guys...Murph, that was a long one. I think that you guys worked it out. If I had anything to add from the original I would have:<br /><br />Hollywood could have a field day filming horror movies here, she decided, wincing as the gates creaked and moaned, puncturing the oppressive quiet and causing a group of crows (which dotted the lace canopy of trees overhead), to burst from their perches and take to flight.<br /><br />I do get a good picture from the words and I think they are correctly grouped and I like the combination of them. If I think about spliting this into two sentences, I think you would lose the rythm. Only my humble opinion. What do you think? Is this posted somewhere else? I see where Theresa was going to have a look at it. I'd be interested to see what she has to say. Keep it long or make it short, that is the question.;)<br />BarbUnknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11703292678697973295noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-73156501872406630552009-07-12T10:51:04.065-05:002009-07-12T10:51:04.065-05:00You must have read my mind;).
She stared across t...You must have read my mind;).<br /><br /><i>She stared across the thrashing ocean into the rain, searching for another glimpse of the seawall</i>.<br /><br />Okay Deb:<br /><br />I like this one. But, if I were going to write it with the phrase <i> into the rain</i>, I would want to use a word that conveys actually looking into the rain. I mean, if she were staring she'd be really uncomfortable with the drops pelting her eyeballs, right? Peered, is good because it indicates that her eyes are straining and narrowed - squinted, maybe? I don't know because both of these words seem too hard to pair with the rest of your prose. Humm...? Nope, if I were going to write this I would take out the word 'across'. <br /><br />My take: She scanned the thrashing ocean, through the driving rain, desperately searching of another glimpse of the seawall.<br /><br />My thoughts? She was purposely looking for the seawall, hence the term scanned and she’d really want to be seeing that seawall, if she were out in a heavy storm - so desperate may work.<br /><br />As for your take on mine? I liked the simplicity of it, but it would stick out like a sore thumb amongst all my other 13 word sentences:). Haven’t you noticed how long winded I am in comments? It’s a curse, I’m afraid, but one that I must live with.<br />Murphy;)Riley Murphyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15817930302085699222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-39670579577947852892009-07-12T09:56:23.311-05:002009-07-12T09:56:23.311-05:00Good point! This is stronger, but I don't thi...Good point! This is stronger, but I don't think 'above' is quite right.<br /><br />She squinted into the rain, searching for another glimpse of the seawall above the thrashing ocean. <br /><br />Thanks for your help.Deb Salisbury, Magic Seeker and Mantua-Makerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01513482264195697450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-12295261861120324472009-07-11T23:32:05.885-05:002009-07-11T23:32:05.885-05:00Yes, that's better, but now that you've ex...Yes, that's better, but now that you've explained your goal, I want a better verb than stared. Stared is sort of vacant and passive. What about something that implies effort? Peered. That would work. Anyone have any other ideas for a more dynamic verb there?<br /><br />TheresaEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-80834447722552549392009-07-11T22:50:16.577-05:002009-07-11T22:50:16.577-05:00I'm trying to show how bad the storm is in the...I'm trying to show how bad the storm is in the fewest (and strongest) words possible. Is this better?<br /><br />She stared across the thrashing ocean into the rain, searching for another glimpse of the seawall.<br /><br />For some reason, tonight I can only come up with present participles to describe the ocean. :-)Deb Salisbury, Magic Seeker and Mantua-Makerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01513482264195697450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-57673617211449459472009-07-11T22:24:28.680-05:002009-07-11T22:24:28.680-05:00She stared into the rain, past the thrashing ocean...<i> She stared into the rain, past the thrashing ocean, searching for another glimpse of the seawall. </i><br /><br />The final phrase is a cumulative modifier, so that works as it is. I'm not wild about the middle phrase because I'm not sure it's possible to stare past an ocean. How about across the ocean instead? <br /><br />And you might consider phrasing it so you have only one comma separating the cumulative modifier from the rest of the sentence. Otherwise, you have that interrupting modifying clause separating the main clause from the cumulative modifier, and that's not ideal. It's not a technical error, but it could be improved. Maybe,<br /><br />She stared through the rain across the ocean, searching etc. <br /><br />Something like that.<br /><br />TheresaEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-14356872065529425292009-07-11T21:56:06.608-05:002009-07-11T21:56:06.608-05:00I'm into simplicity tonight. ;-) Or lots of s...I'm into simplicity tonight. ;-) Or lots of short sentences. <br /><br />Hollywood could have a field day filming horror movies here, she decided. She winced as the gates creaked and moaned, puncturing the oppressive quiet. A group of crows burst from their perches in the lacy canopy of trees and flew away.<br /><br />My theory here is that she doesn't know for certain what caused the crows to fly away.Deb Salisbury, Magic Seeker and Mantua-Makerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01513482264195697450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-80012296996403931372009-07-11T21:52:03.550-05:002009-07-11T21:52:03.550-05:00Okay, I think I like moaning instead of moans - do...Okay, I think I like moaning instead of moans - don't know why but, I'll forgo 'rusty' (I bet, if Alicia were looking at this she'd probably say: The fact that the hinges are moaning indicates that they're rusty so, the word is really not needed). And in terms of story or scene? It makes no difference one way or another. <br />Sold! To the edit without the addition of rusty.<br />Thanks!<br /><br />MurphyRiley Murphyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15817930302085699222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-25448417207447431322009-07-11T21:31:16.704-05:002009-07-11T21:31:16.704-05:00Murphy,
I think you could do rusty if you simplif...Murphy,<br /><br />I think you could do rusty if you simplified it even more:<br /><br />The moans from their rusty hinges...<br /><br />Jami G.Jami Goldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00957122956518765455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-67196573126308329632009-07-11T21:24:07.023-05:002009-07-11T21:24:07.023-05:00How's that? TOTALLY AWESOME! I like it. (and...How's that? TOTALLY AWESOME! I like it. (and don't tell anyone but I'm really hard to please).:D Hey, do you think it would be too much to add rusty in front of hinges? <br />MurphyRiley Murphyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15817930302085699222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-34328947948592169202009-07-11T21:09:58.298-05:002009-07-11T21:09:58.298-05:00Murphy,
If you're going to split it into 2 se...Murphy,<br /><br />If you're going to split it into 2 sentences (not a bad idea, BTW), you could start the second sentence with "The noise":<br /><br />The noise punctured the oppressive quiet and caused a group of crows...<br /><br />-Or-<br /><br />What I, personally, would do is split the two descriptions of the sound:<br /><br />Hollywood could have a field day filming horror movies here, she decided, wincing as the gates creaked. The moaning sound from their hinges punctured the oppressive quiet and caused a group of crows...<br /><br />How's that?<br />Jami G.Jami Goldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00957122956518765455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-88438481576189002582009-07-11T20:28:04.695-05:002009-07-11T20:28:04.695-05:00Hey Jami G!
I like your second one, thanks. I do ...Hey Jami G!<br />I like your second one, thanks. I do think I would be more inclined to break it up into two sentences. Putting a period at moaned and starting the next sentence with-um, with...what the hell?! I need the creaking and moaning to puncture the silence, right? You see? This is where the backspace button on my computer comes in handy.;)<br /><br />And Deb? Are you showing off? Posting and flaunting your simpler sentence that dangles and modifies better than my humongous monstrosity ever could? So short and clean - I'm jealous!;)Riley Murphyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15817930302085699222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-30540138499248947102009-07-11T20:08:40.231-05:002009-07-11T20:08:40.231-05:00Here's a simpler sentence than Murphy's. ...Here's a simpler sentence than Murphy's. It modifies. It dangles. Does it work?<br /><br />She stared into the rain, past the thrashing ocean, searching for another glimpse of the seawall. <br /><br />Thanks!Deb Salisbury, Magic Seeker and Mantua-Makerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01513482264195697450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-53927732041693903822009-07-11T19:33:54.695-05:002009-07-11T19:33:54.695-05:00Murphy,
Of course, the more I think about it, the...Murphy,<br /><br />Of course, the more I think about it, the more it seems that the final "and fly away" isn't absolutely necessary to get the idea.<br /><br />Hollywood could have a field day filming horror movies here, she decided, wincing as the gates creaked and moaned, puncturing the oppressive quiet and causing a group of crows to burst from their perches dotting the lace canopy of trees stretching overhead.<br /><br />But, yeah, it still needs work... :)<br />Jami G.Jami Goldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00957122956518765455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-46434032025669096862009-07-11T19:30:38.739-05:002009-07-11T19:30:38.739-05:00Teresa,
Yes, please share your past participles p...Teresa,<br /><br />Yes, please share your past participles post. We are a semi-captive audience after all. :)<br /><br />Murphy,<br /><br />That <i>is</i> a humdinger of a sentence, isn't it? What about:<br /><br />Hollywood could have a field day filming horror movies here, she decided, wincing as the gates creaked and moaned, puncturing the oppressive quiet and causing a group of crows to burst from their perches dotting the lace canopy of trees stretching overhead and fly away.<br /><br />It's still not great, but it has less clauses for the reader to trip over.<br /><br />Jami G.Jami Goldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00957122956518765455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-91396595935981315262009-07-11T18:45:40.328-05:002009-07-11T18:45:40.328-05:00Of course.:) I like things interesting.Of course.:) I like things interesting.Riley Murphyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15817930302085699222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-7395706902568585412009-07-11T18:08:28.174-05:002009-07-11T18:08:28.174-05:00Murphy, may I use your sample sentence on our fron...Murphy, may I use your sample sentence on our front page? Might be a good little post.<br /><br />TheresaEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-58812635936393085092009-07-11T18:06:12.946-05:002009-07-11T18:06:12.946-05:00I think it's more likely that the others are s...I think it's more likely that the others are sick of my pontificating than that they're too shy. Shyness has never been a big issue around here. :)<br /><br />We have authors from all over the globe, so we've had to learn a few things about non-American standards. The one that always gets me is the single quote/double quote reversal. My eyes tend to float right over them during line edits. <br /><br />TEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-33197880335991338172009-07-11T17:05:25.237-05:002009-07-11T17:05:25.237-05:00Hokie doodle! I forgot to mention that I loved you...Hokie doodle! I forgot to mention that I loved your use of the word craptastic! It says so much doesn't it?Riley Murphyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15817930302085699222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-28625696217925222342009-07-11T16:42:24.812-05:002009-07-11T16:42:24.812-05:00Okay, here's a convoluted son of a gun -if eve...Okay, here's a convoluted son of a gun -if ever there was one: <br /><br />Hollywood could have a field day filming horror movies here, she decided, wincing as the gates creaked and moaned, puncturing the oppressive quiet and causing a group of crows which dotted the lace canopy of trees that stretched out overhead, to burst from their perches and fly away.<br /><br />This should probably be revised at the puncturing point (no pun intended) with a new sentence break and insert the mention of a concrete subject to be specific to the‘noise’, right? <br /><br />And as for the Brit v.s American discussion? Years ago, I had a heated discussion with my father-in-law, who told me that pontificating wasn't a word. So, I carted the old Webster dictionary in my purse - to the next family gathering and he took one look at it and smugly quipped: "It’s no wonder you're misusing words.” (he's British btw, so he does 'smugly quip' but I've generously decided that I won't hold this fact against him) and to this day I dream up ways I can work pontificating into my dialogue during the holidays. Thankfully, I have a pompous brother in-law who makes that word work for me with surprising regularity.:DRiley Murphyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15817930302085699222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-55094125254030474692009-07-11T16:23:06.027-05:002009-07-11T16:23:06.027-05:00And I for one want to read your post on past parti...And I for one want to read your post on past participles, Theresa. <br /><br />Maybe I'm the only one, but I Doubt It. The others are just too shy to step forward and admit it.<br />AliciaEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-51625856859316346412009-07-11T16:21:52.812-05:002009-07-11T16:21:52.812-05:00I did a post, yeah these many years ago, about why...I did a post, yeah these many years ago, about why we often have both the -ed and the -t verbs still in the language.<br />Kneeled and knelt, I think were the ones we were dealing with then.<br />The Britishism I marvel at is "Whilst." We NEVER say that ('cept maybe in legal documents). And yet I see it all the time in Brit-prose.<br />AliciaEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-62090401222658170012009-07-11T16:09:08.098-05:002009-07-11T16:09:08.098-05:00Two nations divided and all that. Websters actuall...Two nations divided and all that. Websters actually has both, but I felt insecure enough to look it up.green_knighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16499896006012152260noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-31282673935475215102009-07-11T15:06:26.709-05:002009-07-11T15:06:26.709-05:00If it's an American cat, it leaped.
TIf it's an American cat, it leaped. <br />TEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.com