tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post7166873372462101554..comments2023-09-05T12:51:25.656-05:00Comments on edittorrent: Odd sentence editEdittorrenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-3136345395356556732011-09-02T09:05:41.973-05:002011-09-02T09:05:41.973-05:00Adrian, help me here. I want to use this sentence ...Adrian, help me here. I want to use this sentence model in a class I'm teaching, to show the meaning change when something is 'diminished" or "demoted' from an independent ("but") clause to a dependent ("though") clause. <br /><br />Can you think of a more active pairing than I have? like:<br /><br />She (verb), but/though her (noun) was (adjective).<br />or--<br />She (verb), but/though she (verb).<br /><br />Muddy brain here (hay fever halcyon). <br />Maybe "She walked out, but/though her withdrawal was temporary."<br /><br />Hmm. Still quite static.<br /><br />She choked, but/though her nausea was shortlived.<br /><br />She vomited, but/though... no, let's not go there.<br /><br />She resumed her seat, but/though her posture was tense.<br /><br />Why am I so PASSIVE????<br /><br />Help! Is it that the construction I'm looking for just doesn't call for much action?<br /><br />Help!!!<br /><br />AliciaEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-58259546640948489512011-08-30T22:24:21.602-05:002011-08-30T22:24:21.602-05:00Adrian, I know, reply is weird, but that is what i...Adrian, I know, reply is weird, but that is what is happening in the passage-- he says something-- it's sort of confrontational,and she replies. and here, that she stays even though he says something confrontational is kind of important. (Remember, I write romance. Dialogue can be, or should be, action also.)<br /><br />I should have used a different word just to keep it from being confusing. In context, it makes sense, but taken out of context, it does sound odd, and weirdly static.<br /><br />Joan, yes, all in the nuance. I wonder if we can train ourselves to "feel" the nuance.<br />AliciaEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-55785973523444770162011-08-30T12:54:26.329-05:002011-08-30T12:54:26.329-05:00My example: Her feet were in agony, but she was to...My example: Her feet were in agony, but she was too tired to kick off her shoes. <br /><br />This sentence could use the same rearrangement you did to yours. She was too tired to kick off her shoes though her feet were in agony. <br /><br />Now that I see the revision, it still strikes me as wimpy. I'd get rid of the but/though all together. She was too tired to bend over and rescue her feet from the merciless shoes.<br /><br />This seems a more direct way of stating how tired the poor gal really is.<br /><br />As you say, it's all in the nuances. Thanks for making me think.Joan Leacotthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13931469692532851398noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-47710530463953495432011-08-30T10:36:06.171-05:002011-08-30T10:36:06.171-05:00The revision is definitely an improvement, but (!)...The revision is definitely an improvement, but (!) the thing I found most odd was the use of <i>reply</i>. For me, <i>reply</i> is strongly associated with a <i>verbal</i> response: something spoken or written. I found it hard to associate the word with a non-verbal action, especially one so passive as staying.<br /><br />Although I understood the original sentence, I found it so disorienting that I had to re-read it to make sure I hadn't misread it.<br /><br />At that point, I figured the rest of the post was going to be about how to rewrite the sentence without the word <i>reply</i>.<br /><br />I guess I read to the beat of a different drummer.Adriannoreply@blogger.com