tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post7070839689038721905..comments2023-09-05T12:51:25.656-05:00Comments on edittorrent: DaveEdittorrenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-6004670668722556562009-06-14T19:30:32.676-05:002009-06-14T19:30:32.676-05:00No worries about her gender - there are characters...No worries about her gender - there are characters where gender is an arbitrary choice that could go either way, and she's one of them. She wouldn't be offended that you couldn't tell in a passage that didn't identify that attribute, either.<br /><br />I really do appreciate it, Alicia!Dave Shawhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00773380114295267509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-56829382745374097802009-06-14T17:36:39.209-05:002009-06-14T17:36:39.209-05:00I did consider that Fujimoro might have been a wom...I did consider that Fujimoro might have been a woman, and there's nothing that clearly made her seem like a man-- it was just me being sexist, you know. Superior officer, must be a man. <br />Everything you say probably make sense when the whole scene is out there. Just put in whatever is necessary for the reader to get whatever you mean.<br />As for the language-- it's never easy to make clear they're conversing in a language different from the one the scene is in-- the best thing to do is just make it clear to the reader. Don't be too cryptic about it. If you want the reader to know that Sally is shifting to English because she's subconsciously anxious, say what you need to say to make that clear. <br /><br />AEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-16076194860280177872009-06-14T12:33:48.263-05:002009-06-14T12:33:48.263-05:00Oh, by the way - Sally is very small, 4 feet 10 1/...Oh, by the way - Sally <i>is</i> very small, 4 feet 10 1/2 inches and 92 pounds soaking wet, but you're right that that's not what I meant. LOLDave Shawhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00773380114295267509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-26307231932883967472009-06-14T12:30:16.802-05:002009-06-14T12:30:16.802-05:00Thanks, Alicia, for the link to the poem. I'm...Thanks, Alicia, for the link to the poem. I'm sending it to my brother and sisters. I think all of us grew 'tired of being brave' last year.<br /><br />On your edits, that's exactly the kind of thing I need to clarify my thoughts on how to edit this. Eliminate the generic and the 'precious' - thank you!<br /><br />It's interesting how confusing a piece of a scene can be when taken out of context like this. Yes, this room is Lieutenant Junior Grade Sally Hendrix's quarters, which Lieutenant Commander Sandra Fujimoro has entered for the first time. Fujimoro has set herself up as a mentor of sorts to Sally, who is on her first tour of duty. Sally doesn't know it, but Fujimoro has been assigned to watch over and develop Sally by someone very powerful who wants to 'fashion her into a necessary tool', to paraphrase his thoughts. Sally would feel appalled and betrayed if she knew this about her new friend.<br /><br />Sally and Fujimoro have spoken several times previously, but always in Japanese, Fujimoro's primary native language and a secondary native language for Sally. The point is that Sally's so shaken up that she's forgotten her manners, using her own primary language with a guest. Do you think that if you'd had this prior knowledge from the story that the line would work better, or do I still need to clarify Fujimoro's internal logic about it?<br /><br />Sally's rats are emblematic of her. She's a slightly botched genetic experiment, and her pets are genetically altered specimens from the same lab that designed her. They make her feel less alone in the universe.<br /><br />As for the breakfast thing, it's 4:30 in the morning, after a long night during which Sally killed 4 men who attacked her, and Fujimoro then helped free her from a legal system that saw her as a murderer rather than a victim who killed in self defense, hence the emotional upset. Sally's offer is really a cover for her own need to eat, as her extreme metabolism under stress has burned through most of her reserves. I'll definitely make it clearer that Sally's offering food as well as drink, though.<br /><br />Thanks again, Alicia!Dave Shawhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00773380114295267509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-33061599135415140042009-06-14T11:22:01.451-05:002009-06-14T11:22:01.451-05:00Just post a few lines here-- from inside a scene, ...Just post a few lines here-- from inside a scene, not the first paragraph, please. :) I'll see it. There are a lot of people ahead of you, so it might be awhile.<br />AEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-74610561639224341782009-06-14T11:15:07.922-05:002009-06-14T11:15:07.922-05:00I only found this site yesterday and have been rea...I only found this site yesterday and have been reading madly to catch up. It's fascinating and is helping me in my editing process. <br /><br />The pet rat lines definitely infuse the story with interest and conflict. Who sleeps with rats, and how does he know about it? Wonderful.<br /><br />Can anyone submit a few lines to you and if so, how does one go about it?Leonahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11786326364037397675noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-28913688897968095652009-06-14T06:45:14.711-05:002009-06-14T06:45:14.711-05:00I definitely agree about the pet rats. Great line...I definitely agree about the pet rats. Great line - 'I had forgotten about the pet rats'. I want to know more.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14565683058021299230noreply@blogger.com