tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post2948859579385944884..comments2023-09-05T12:51:25.656-05:00Comments on edittorrent: FrohockEdittorrenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-38080247939048732712009-06-15T13:38:50.897-05:002009-06-15T13:38:50.897-05:00Yes, Adrian, you're right, and the sound of th...Yes, Adrian, you're right, and the sound of the fire would lead right into the heat-- nice and organic transition!<br />AlEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-72364740430732818482009-06-15T10:38:08.839-05:002009-06-15T10:38:08.839-05:00Would a "blazing hearth fire" make a bit...Would a "blazing hearth fire" make a bit of noise? It seems at odds with the penetrating silence.Adriannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-38856257832532064322009-06-15T07:48:13.379-05:002009-06-15T07:48:13.379-05:00Thank you, Laura! You picked up on something that...Thank you, Laura! You picked up on something that I was having a "duh" moment about last night when I was trying to implement Alicia's suggestions without losing the points I wanted to establish in that first paragraph. I realized the same thing, then tore my hair for a half hour over that one. I had to kill a darling last night. *smile*<br /><br />Alicia said her brain was like oatmeal, but I can see how she might have seen three different people (the twin, the sister, Catarina) in those references. I can also see how easy it would be for an editor or an agent to make the same mistake. I don't want a "huh?" moment in my first paragraph.<br /><br />I wanted to convey the closeness of the room, the claustrophobia that he feels from her control. Lucian is not alarmed by the noise, he's used to weirdness in his sister's house when we first see him. <br /><br />I'm not expecting another edit, but I did think you might like to see the rough of how it looks now with the Alicia's edits. I'm sure I'm not done with it yet *smile*:<br /><br />Lucian listened for the noise that had awakened him. He sat on the edge of his bed and pushed his hands through his heavy black hair. His palms were wet with sweat. The only sound was the crackling of the hearth fire. The blaze saturated the room with heat, but Catarina forbade opening windows. His twin sister was always cold.<br /><br />The seconds ticked into minutes, but Lucian remained still.<br /><br />Listening.<br /><br />Then he hears the noise, blah, blah, blah, goes into description of the room, opening the window, etc., etc., etc.<br /><br />Thank you all again. This was a wonderful exercise, because I've learned just as much reading the other edits of other people's paragrahs.<br /><br />All of you have a wonderful week!<br />TeresaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-8502154988152020362009-06-14T20:26:27.871-05:002009-06-14T20:26:27.871-05:00Laura, good thought. That makes a nice natural con...Laura, good thought. That makes a nice natural connection between the sound and the heat.<br />AEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-89207965120940969352009-06-14T19:19:45.408-05:002009-06-14T19:19:45.408-05:00Teresa -
Something I think could be used to addre...Teresa -<br /><br />Something I think could be used to address your issues here is the question of the fire. Fires aren't quiet. If a room has a fire, it's not silent. Maybe he can wonder about whether the noise he heard is the fire (which, incidentally, is way too hot for his liking), etc. Just a thought.Laura K. Curtishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08444534759113332744noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-66735062763877727552009-06-14T19:18:23.373-05:002009-06-14T19:18:23.373-05:00I'm sort of wondering if my relative doesn'...I'm sort of wondering if my relative doesn't want anyone spending the night, hence the heatwave. Last time, I had nightmares that the house was on fire. I ended up out on the porch in my pajamas.:)<br />AEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-39219857980488527292009-06-14T19:14:48.150-05:002009-06-14T19:14:48.150-05:00Alicia,
Thank you so much! I think you've hi...Alicia,<br /><br />Thank you so much! I think you've hit on what's been bothering me about this paragraph from the get-go when you said: "Now you might say, geez, that's a lot for one paragraph. Yep. That's why you should put the noise, the awakening, the listening, the sitting up, all the noise stimulus and reaction in one paragraph, and have another about the heat, and his reaction to that. Get him moving. You don't want him confronted with two physical stimuli and commit no action at all. His body does more than just perceive-- it moves too."<br /><br />I've got all the other action you talked about spread out later, but I'm going back in and see if I can't bring it together in a tighter format like you described. Awakening, listening, rising, etc., then go into the heat and his sister (oh, she's a piece of work, that one!). *smile*<br /><br />I know this has been a tremendous amount of work for you and Theresa. I want to say thank you for all the time you've spent on this project!<br /><br />So sorry you have a relative that requires the 87 temp. My husband learned long ago in the temp. wars that 79 was the limit for marital bliss.<br /><br />Have a wonderful week!<br />TeresaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com