tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post1361413030055746229..comments2023-09-05T12:51:25.656-05:00Comments on edittorrent: Another Setting ExampleEdittorrenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-20869099784689408462011-05-06T11:03:36.271-05:002011-05-06T11:03:36.271-05:00Like Jami, I have learned a huge amount of my bett...Like Jami, I have learned a huge amount of my better writing techniques here and have a few more to master :D<br /><br />I think one reason JT is getting stuck is the previous alliteration and I had the same reaction to that part. Had to reread it twice. I can't really find anything wrong with it though.<br /><br />Nicely done :)Leonahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11786326364037397675noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-60563302154173530582011-05-05T19:17:08.846-05:002011-05-05T19:17:08.846-05:00Hmm. Let's take a quick whack at this.
EDITED...Hmm. Let's take a quick whack at this.<br /><br />EDITED<br />"I'm sorry." Daniel shuffled his shoes against the concrete floor. "I didn't want it this way at all." <br /><br />She ignored him and scanned the room. So this is what a police interrogation room looked like. Three steel chairs around an industrial table. It stank of smoke and sour sweat. She shoved the chairs against the back wall so she could have room to move.<br /><br />"No matter what happens," he said, his features twisted with some inner struggle, "in my heart I'll always be with her."<br /><br />The thud of the thick metal door slamming behind her was quickly snuffed by the soundproofing of the cold cinderblock walls.epichttp://www.epicblackcar.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-57855178815588993992011-04-27T16:40:09.807-05:002011-04-27T16:40:09.807-05:00Oh I can totally believe the smell before the furn...Oh I can totally believe the smell before the furniture. I think it was the fact that the chairs came before the table more than anything. I think I was associating the chairs in my brain with the smell rather than the room or table. Like, "the sour sweat and smoke with the three utilitarian steel chairs..." Of course, hello, that's the point of the comma. LOL. But for some reason it made me pause.<br /><br />JTJulie Harringtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02880895598847092028noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-27650100962695694652011-04-27T09:33:25.624-05:002011-04-27T09:33:25.624-05:00JT, that didn't bother me too much. I think it...JT, that didn't bother me too much. I think it's believable that we would notice a sharp smell before we would notice the furniture. This just indicates to me that the smell is strong.<br /><br />TEdittorrenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14295505709568570553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-65924925493663421462011-04-26T23:44:18.040-05:002011-04-26T23:44:18.040-05:00The only part I had to stop and re-read was this p...The only part I had to stop and re-read was this part:<br /><br /><i>As expected, the sparse room stank of sour sweat and smoke, with three utilitarian steel chairs around an industrial table.</i><br /><br />For some reason the order of the chairs and table in conjunction with the sweat and smoke threw me off.<br /><br />JTJulie Harringtonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02880895598847092028noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6824896765631412903.post-31020574182344131902011-04-26T17:35:57.361-05:002011-04-26T17:35:57.361-05:00*notices this doesn't have my name on it* Hmm...*notices this doesn't have my name on it* Hmm, I must have subconsciously chickened out on giving approval for listing my name. Yeah, subconsciously...that must be it. But now that you didn't rip it to shreds, I'll admit it. LOL!<br /><br />*applauds for Theresa and Alicia*<br /><br />A huge amount of what I know about writing, I learned from you two. :) So thank you both!<br /><br />In early drafts, that second paragraph was all static. Description used to be one of my big weaknesses, so I'm thrilled to see that I've finally learned enough to pass muster here.<br /><br />Thanks for your suggestion for that too-alliterative sentence, and I'll take a look at that last sentence to bring in her recognition of the room's soundproofing better. Thank you!Jami Goldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00957122956518765455noreply@blogger.com